


A Means to an End

by Icelandichairdresser



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Actress Gwen, Alternate Universe - CEO, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Pendragon - Freeform, Awesome Morgana, BAMF Morgana, Child Neglect, Depressed Merlin, F/M, Gwen - Freeform, Insecure merlin, Insecure!Merlin, Jealous Arthur Pendragon, M/M, Merlin - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Morgana - Freeform, Multi, Oblivious Arthur, Original Character(s), Other, PA Merlin, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Possessive Arthur, Protective Arthur, Rich Arthur, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, ceo Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-02-28 14:23:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2735858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icelandichairdresser/pseuds/Icelandichairdresser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin fell in love with Arthur Pendragon in way that is both painful and beautiful. Merlin spilled coffee on him and Arthur had threatened to sue.Some how Merlin Became his PA then slowly Arthur stopped hiding behind  his playboy image and became this beautiful person that Merlin couldn't help but love. It was pathetic really the PA falling in love with the billionaire CEO. But Merlin Could live with it then, Gwen Happened. Gwen Smith the gorgeous and sweet actress came, Merlin knew he never had a chance. She was all that mattered to Arthur and well Merlin just wants to be put first once in his life.And he can't help but hope he is the first one dead in 2016. So he slits his wrists at 11:58.45 and waits.</p>
<p>When he wakes up in a mental ward Merlin is both angry and disappointed. Arthur is a mess not knowing how to live without the one person he didn't know he needed?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(this summary is shit but pls read)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: may be triggering contains suicide attempt, childhood neglect, and a mental hospital. If this is triggering to you pls don't read. If I forgot something pls tell me I'll add it. I OWN NOTHING. BUT I WROTE THIS FANFIC SO DONT YOU DARE STEAL IT.

 

Merlin knows love, he knows it well. He doesn't think there was a time he didn't know its presence. He knew the lack of it in his home where his mom was never home and always working. He couldn't blame her being a single Mother is hard, but he's 25 and he hasn't heard his mom say she loves him once. Probably because she doesn't. He loved Will for giving him a temporary home and when he died taking it, he still loved Will. He loves Arthur but even though that is a desolate infertile field to farm. He should feel luck, to have the privilege to get to love. Some people go their whole lives without knowing the feeling. But love for the most part is pain. Raw and unadulterated pain. Because if it was returned and not taken away then you don't full appreciate it and if it isn't returned.... Then it is like heaven and hell got mixed. Because you cannot help but long so fervently for a response but no that it won't ever be returned. And you know you shouldn't want it to be returned! They're happy with someone else, they love someone else and pain of love is worth it for them, more than worth it because instead of heaven and hell mixed it's heaven with smudges of hell. So Merlin can't bring himself to tell Arthur he loves him, he can't be an added bit of pain in Gwen and Arthurs love. Yet he can't stay because slowly it's becoming more hell than heaven and even the brief moments of heaven, well they are from seeing the happiness of Arthur when he is with Gwen. And that little narcissistic part of him that wants to wreck what Arthur and Gwen have and force all of his love or pain, for Merlin its the same thing really, into their heaven and make them feel it. Well it's getting bigger and Merlin, Merlin just wants to be put first once in his life.And he can't help but hope he is the first one dead in 2016. So he slits his wrists at 11:58.45 and waits.

~/~/~

Merlin fell in love with Arthur Pendragon in way that is both painful and beautiful. Merlin spilled coffee on him and Arthur had threatened to sue. Merlin got Arthur a new shirt same color, style, and thread count as the last one. Arthur was impressed and ordered Merlin to be his personal Assistant. Merlin being the poor student he was accepted. But quit after Arthur's pratish tendencies got to hard to bear. A small pay raise made him come back, and slowly Arthur stopped hiding behind his playboy image and became this beautiful person that Merlin couldn't help but love. It was pathetic really the PA falling in love with the billionaire CEO and pinning desperately.

When Gwen Smith the gorgeous and sweet actress came into play Merlin knew he never had a chance. She made Arthur a better person, he was less snobbish and actually gave a bit of a rats ass about his employees Gwen was nice to him, she saw all the things he gave up for Arthur. How he let Arthur keep him up till 3 or 4 am practicing his speeches even though he would have to get up at 6 sharp to file paper work for Arthur. She told Arthur to give him bonuses and more vacation time. The only time he ever remembers Gwen being mean was after a long night going over his speech with Arthur. Gwen told Arthur that he was being unfair to Merlin keeping him from home, he said that he had said "There is nothing for me there anyways, at least here I'm useful." Gwen had snapped at him and said "Well Arthur does have Someone and something here." Merlin had got the hint and told Arthur that he'd be happy to help when ever Arthur need but he didn't want to interfere with his sleep patterns to badly. Gwen was very smug that night. But the next day she couldn't meet his eyes and he knew she realized how much that hurt him. The extra padding in his bonus that payday just confirmed it.

-/-/-

Merlin quite liked dying, the fading and the black. It was painful, sure. But really everything was for him lately and it was comforting for this to follow the same trend. He was just relived he could find a way out. Then he hears his name and he can't help but start crying because who ever is up there cares enough about him to remember his name. That is better than Arthur who only learned a year after he took him on.

It felt like he was loved and he had missed it so much, so much he said out loud, "I hope you can love me up there, I really want to feel loved once, even if I'm dead." Those were the words that help Freya, a girl Merlin had let sleep at his house for a week when she was trying to get way from her home, found him in his bathtub and was able to call an ambulance and keep him alive. Freya came to his house to give him a bottle of champagne as a thank you, because she didn't to send it with the rest that she sent to those who helped her.

In the hospital bed Merlin thought that if he died "I hope you can love me up there, I really want to feel love once, even if I'm dead." would have been perfect last words.

~/~/~

Merlin didn't want a suicide note that no one would read, so he decided that before he went he would send all of the people in his life a email. That way some cop wouldn't read it and feel bad because no one wanted it.

It took him 3 days to come up with a email for Arthur.

Arthur Pendragon,  
I am sorry for the mess this will cause for you. I didn't tell you anything was amiss and try and get help because no place could fix what is wrong with me. I never told you I was depressed because if I did I would have had to tell you my plan for tonight. You probably would have called the police on me in some misguided attempt to "give" me another chance at a life I don't want. I took the liberty of narrowing down and interviewing all of high class assistants you have stated your wishes that I could be like told them the paycheck with a little slimed down (bonuses not included) and they all said that they'd be happy to assist you. The file attached called Arthur is all of my observations and their answers in the interview as well as their resumes. I also have a small document labeled My Opinion. It has my thoughts on the candidates for my soon to be former job. If you don't want to read it delete it. I would request that my paycheck for the service I provided go to bonuses for the interns who don't get paid, they work very hard. The other file I attached called For Arthur's Assistant is all of my advice for your new Assistant. I wouldn't be offended if you deleted it because you didn't want your next Assistant to be like me. I marked this as Urgent because I know how you much you need an Assistant and I'm sorry to take yours away from you so abruptly.

Merlin Ermys

 

It takes him 2 days to write an email to his Mother.

Hunith Ermys

I write to you to tell you that as your son I love you and that is not why I did this. You should not feel any guilt for my death. I write this to you simply because as much as we never speak and never really did and I read that sometimes even mothers who put their children up for adoption and never regretted it feel guilt or sorrow over the death of said child. I really don't want any sorrow or guilt because of my death. I died to escape those feelings and I think it would be terrible of me to bring those upon anyone else. On the file I attached contains my bank account information and stocks. It is all for you, you gave me a life that while I don't want, but I did something with. I thought as a metaphorical way to repay you I could give you what I did with my life. My will gives you my apartment and belongings as well as the money on the file in case you want legal proof to claim the money. I decided I'd wear my pjs so my clothes could be redone by a man named Gwaine, he is a tailor, and sold for money. Gwaines' contact information in the file as well. I regret to tell you that my electronics such as my phone and computer are the property of Pendragon Inc. and need to be returned. My food will be rotten and the furniture is the apartment buildings.

With love  
Merlin Ermys

It took him a day to write a letter for Will to Gaius.

Gaius and Alice Flower shop, I'm ordering Forget-Me-Not bouquet placed on the grave of Will Jones every 16th of december, for every year until the money I'm entrusting you run out. I regret not being able to face you to and buy and save any of your workers from the cold weather but I am glad to say I will be joining Will soon. I wish you all the best of health. The bank account information in the file attached. It also states in my will that, that money goes to you if you would like to make sure.

Merlin Ermys

It takes him a hour to write an email to Gwen.

Gwen Smith

In the file attached is a bank account with all of the bonuses I have ever received. That should, be given rightfully so to you, because you convinced Arthur to give them to me. I would only take the money I earned. You are a good woman Gwen and thank you for trying to let me have a nice life with money and vacations. And since I never used the money I thought I should give it to you, since you're the only reason I received it. Obvious I don't need it any more and though I know you are already wealthy I thought you should have it. You were one of the kindest people I ever meet. Thank you.

Merlin Emrys  
ps. Take care of him

It took him one minute to send them all out.

-/-/-

Merlin is beyond angry when he sees Freya and the first word out of his mouth is why.

"Why? Why the hell would you do that? I don't want to be fucking saved. I want to die godamn it Freya. This life holds to much fucking pain and do you really hate me that fucking much? Why, Freya? I was finally going to be happy and you fucked it up! It's going to be fucking hell before I finally escape. Hell, and I have already been through enough of that! You know what just go, go get out Freya, don't come back, ever."

Freya was sobbing when she left.

Merlin almost didn't care. Until he did. So he borrowed a doctors phone and called to a florist and sent her flowers.

Merlin was already planing his next suicide when they told him they were checking him into the mental ward.

=/=/=

When at 11:47 Arthur Pendragon receives a email marked urgent from his beloved PA with the subject I Apologize he immediately opens it. When he finishes reading it he calls an Ambulance and starts praying to dear god Merlin is okay. When his girlfriend comes up to him and tells him they should toast to a new year upstairs.

He mumbles "Merlin's Dead." and when Gwen asks him to repeat that he yells "Merlin fucking killed himself!" and everyone at the party heard. A glass shattered. Mostly everyone at the party knew Merlin, and liked him. He was the friendly, smart, and kind PA of Arthur Pendragon who was always there for anyone, even strangers, and would try to make everyone as happy as possible. He didn't exist anymore and somehow that seemed like the worse thing that could have ever happened.

When at 9 am Hunith Emrys checks her email and almost cries because her son contacted her she reads the email. Then opened the file found his apartment and got on the first flight to New York to see if she could see her son one last time even if he was dead. She just wanted to hold his hand and tell him she loved him. Even if the hands were bloody and cold.

When Gaius checked orders emails for his wife and his business at 10 am and reads Merlin's email. He calls his wife to the screen tells her to read it and they hold each other and cry. Because they miss Will just as keenly as Merlin. And Will made Merlin was just as much their child as Will was. And it hurts to lose another child.

At 1pm when Gwen finally gets time to check her email at the hospital she sees the email from Merlin she can't bring herself to open it. When she tells it to a worried Arthur he practically assaults her trying to get the phone. When he starts crying she takes it from his hands and reads it. She feels lost afterwards because she was despicable to Merlin, she said hurtful things and made snide remarks all the time. Yes she told Arthur to give Merlin more vacation time, mostly so she could spend some time with her boyfriend without him just being there. It seems that Arthur instead of giving him the amount of vacation time se suggested he gave him more money. Money that Merlin felt he didn't earn. So he decided to give to her. A multimillionaire, because she was what he considered nice to him. Gwen started crying because what if he considered her kind, did he think mean was. And how much of it was in his life for him to want to die.

-/-/-

"Why did you try to kill yourself Merlin?" the therapist asked. Merlin had filled out so many questionnaires, signed so many contracts,had to walk through a metal detector got strip searched because he forgot to take out a quarter from his jeans and he was tired. Tired of the fuss, terrified that this didn't go to plan and he just wanted to go home.

"I just thought, if no one wants me here than why be here?" Merlin didn't want anyone to question Arthur about their relationship.

"I want you here." the therapist pushed.

"No you don't, you want be out living my life in the 'real world', don't you?"

"Well yes."

"You don't want be here in your plane of existence. In your life. You want be gone. Maybe not from the world but you'd have to hate me for that. And let's be honest no one really has feelings about me. Other than what they think they should think, which really is only good things, since I'm not an unpleasant person."

"Lying to me about why you tried to kill yourself won't help you. But I won't push. You had a rough day." at that Merlin looked up at the woman he had been calling Therapist in his head. She had cold eyes, the sort of eyes that judged and sized what she would and wouldn't tolerate. Dr. Morgana Le Fay as the plaque on her desk proudly states was getting into his head.

"Someone I love could get hurt if I tell you." Merlin admitted quietly.

"They are probably are already hurting if you tried to kill yourself." Merlin imagined how Arthur was now, probably hungover, in bed with Gwen, on his computer looking at the candidates for his old job. The thought hurt like hell.

"They aren't hurting, they don't care about me." Merlin said trying to get rid of the lump in his throat.

"Oh, did they push you to do what you did because that isn't okay." Morgana said sharply, "That illegal Merlin what if th-"

"I'm in love with a man who's in love with someone and the pain on seeing them together paired with clinical depression that I got diagnosed years ago are what caused this." Merlin said not able to stomach the thought of what Morgana was suggesting, "He's straight to so this would have happened with or without the girl." he amended not wanting to blame Gwen.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. Can I go I'm tired and I want to sleep."

=/=/=

"What do you mean! I can't fucking know about his condition! I will pay more than your entire years salary if you just tell me!" Arthur yelled at the nurse.

"I'm sorry sir only family or his emergency contact can learn that information, and neither are here yet." The nurse said calmly, but Arthur could tell she was one minute for exploding, he recognized that from bad business deals.

"Who the hell is his emergency contact?!? Shouldn't they be here!" A vein on the Nurses forehead started to throb.

"Will Jones is Mr. Emrys emergency contact. Sir if you could please sit down and wait for Mr. Jones, or a family member arrive and grants you permission. "

Arthur went make to his seat next to Gwen, after pacing trying to see if the name was familiar. He remembers hearing tales of Will and him doing stupid things but he never talked about what will was doing now.

"Where the fuck is Will Jones?" Arthur said frustrated a few mothers glared at him and covered their children's ears.

"Arthur calm do-" Gwen started.

"Calm down! Calm down! Merlin tried to kill himself! Merlin, the man I have spent nearly every day for the last 4 years with and you're telling me to calm down Gwen. Merlin's been in my life longer than you have, I don't now how to live with out him. So know I won't fucking calm down." Arthur bellowed. Gwen picked up her bag and left crying. Arthur didn't really care, Merlin was just so. Untouchable, you don't talk bad about Merlin near Arthur because he will end you. Merlin had come to his aid more than any PA would do, he was there for good or bad. He helped him through so many problems Arthur didn't even know how to act when Merlin kept whatever problem that caused him to do this a secret. It hurt it did and yeah he was angry, and sensitive. So yes he wasn't going to feel bad for making Gwen cry, because this is about Merlin. Merlin who got him gifts for his birthday that he actually wanted. Who hugged him and stayed up late with him to help him with his speeches so yeah Merlin was worth it.

"For fucksake I'm just going to google him. Hope that will help me see my best friend." Arthur glared at the nurse. Arthur didn't like what he saw, Will Jones died 6 years ago in a car crash. His date of his death was the only week Merlin ever took off. Arthur used to wonder what he did but now that he knew he want to forget.

"Is Merlin Emrys here at this hospital?" a worried woman ran in eyes red from crying.

"Who are you?" the nurse said Arthur was already out of his seat walking up to the woman.

"Hunith Emrys his mother." she said giving the nurse her ID. Merlin never mentioned his mother once, Arthur had assumed he did it because he knew that was a sensitive topic for Arthur but now that he thinks back Merlin acted like he didn't even have one.

"Mr. Emrys is stable, he is in the mental ward. They were able to save him before he lost to much blood. He isn't allowed visitors till Sunday at 6 am to 6 pm. You can call the nurse station and asked to be put on with Mr. Emrys but you'll have to get the okay to talk to him from his therapist. I'll get you the phone number and a visitors pass." The nurse said now completely helpful.

"Oh thank god! He's okay, he okay." Arthur felt so amazing because Merlin was going to be okay. Merlin was going to be okay, he was stable he'll get better and be able to go back with to work for Arthur, unless the problem was the work... Arthur hated the idea of Merlin hurting if he somehow caused this he would do anything to stop it. Even let Merlin go, he'd still pester him constantly but Merlin would get better.

"And who are you?" Hunith asked trying to sound like she didn't think he was the real deal. But she couldn't really be sure, she hadn't been in Merlin's life for a long time. Hell, he could be The leader of a cult Merlin's in.

"I'm Arthur, I'm Merlin's best friend and we work together? Didn't he tell you about me?" Arthur asked hurt that Merlin didn't mention him to his mom. Arthur on more than one occasion mentioned Merlin to well everyone.

"We haven't spoken in 5 years." Hunith looked shamefaced like this was some great misdoing and for some reason that felt appropriate. Merlin was a great person and what ever he might of done he should be forgiven.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Can I have another visitors pass?" Hunith asked and the Nurse rolled her eyes and printed another one as well and a post it note with the phone number.

"Thanks you so much." Arthur said relived he could see Merlin and know that he was alright. That he could physically be near him, feel his presence and stop the pain that was radiating in his chest from the constant guiltiness. Why didn't he notice Merlin's pain? He spent everyday and most nights with the man, they talked about things that Arthur couldn't even trust Gwen with. Arthur told Merlin everything and Merlin didn't... Now that Arthur reflected on it he knew next to nothing about Merlin. He knew small things, like he liked comfort over luxury, cats over dogs, rose ridge tea over Lipton, etc, small things that didn't matter. It hurt Arthur to think he didn't know the one person who knew him best.

"Arthur, in Merlin's um, email he mentioned that his phone and computer where company property. Is there anyway I could get in contact with the higher ups so I can give the nurse a list of Merlin's friends so they can visit. I know it's a big company and I might take awhile but I think it would be good for Merlin to see all the people that care about him. If you could just give me the number t-"

"It's done, I can go through it and tell you who Merlin likes and who he doesn't." Arthur interrupted "Tell the police not to bother sending into the IT department, I'll just pick it up."

"What authority do you have to do such a thing, there are laws and technically that phone is the property of Pendragon inc. as a property lawyer I have to insist that we use the official channels, you could get arrested for that."

"I own the controlling interest of Pendragon inc. so I doubt it's against the law for me to retain possession of a phone I technically own." Arthur said already shooting off a email to the tech department, and a NYPD.

"What does Merlin exactly do to work with you?" Hunith asked a bit shell shocked.

"Oh he's my PA." Arthur said looking up from his phone at the baffled woman.

"I just, I just can't deal with you right now. I'm going to go... Where ever Merlin's apartment is and sleep. I can't. I can't, my baby almost died. I just, I can't deal with you. With, he almost left me. My baby boy tried to... I can't. I can't..." Hunith said gasping, almost breaking down. The dim waiting room seemed so inconsequential and pathetic.

"Come on I'll take you there." Arthur said pocketing his phone and closing his eyes. He called a cab and payed for it. He had no desire to see where Merlin almost ended. He called another cab and went home.

-/-/-

When Arthur got to his penthouse he didn't expect a crowd; Gwaine, Leon, Elyan, Percy, Freya, and the majority of the office staff were outside of his door. When he saw they all rushed to him then went to talk but didn't know what to day.

"Merlin's fine, he's in the mental ward. His mother is receiving his phone and is issuing the ability to visit Merlin to anyone on his contact list. Visiting hours at 6am to 6pm on Sundays but he has to be cleared by his therapist and the police before we can see him. " Arthur said Opening his door, the majority of the office staff thanked him and walked off, Gwaine, Leon, Elyan, Percy, and Freya all followed him inside his penthouse. It still looked like the party could start again at any moment, unused poppers where on tables, trays of full champagne flutes were on the kitchen counter.

Freya downed a champagne flute as soon as she sits down she begins to talk "I found him, you know. I was bring him champagne and celebrate a new year, a new me, no more abusive boyfriend, and thanks to him. And then when I let myself in and the apartment looked clean, too clean for it to be Merlin's. I called for him, I called his name and, and..." Freya started sobbing hard but was able to calm down, "he asked if he could be loved up there, he said he wanted to be loved once, even if he was dead. He sounded so awed like a blind man seeing the world for the first time. Like he thought it was so amazing he could be loved. I found in the bathtub, wrists slit, eyes closed. And my first thought it's just like Merlin to sleep in a bathtub when he has a good bed.' And then I freaked out, called the Ambulance and tried to stop the Bleeding. Their was so much blood. At the hospital he looked at me with so much hate, like I took away any chance of happiness away from him. The words 'I hope you can love me up there, I really want to feel loved once, even if I'm dead' just keep running through my head. How could such a lovable person think that... I love Merlin so much. Hell I had a crush on him until I found out. I just, I can't deal with it. The police keep asking me questions about him, like "who was he really?", "Who are his friend, his non-work friends?", "What does he do for fun?" and I realized I didn't know. I didn't fucking know. this person I claim to love is a mystery to me. Do any of you know anything?"

"He sent me his resignation email at 11:57 pm then cut his wrists at 11:58. His email read completely professional. Hell he apologized for the inconvenience of interrupting my party." Arthur said head against the grey marble.

"Why the hell didn't you invite him to the party? I thought you did, honestly can you blame him. His supposed BFF didn't invite him to a party!!" Gwaine growled.

"For fucksake Merlin knows the doorman, has a key, and always has an invite to every party I throw, He just never comes." Arthur said firsts curled up ready to fight.

"What Boss makes his PA do house calls maybe is YOU weren't such a controlling lit-" Gwaine started.

"STOP IT JUST STOP IT!!!" Percy interrupted, "Merlin tried to commit suicide Arthur didn't fucking slit his wrist! I'm fucking tried of you to fighting over him. We all have to go to the police station tomorrow for some questions and I don't want to be tired for that."

"Fine, get out now, all of you." Everyone looks like their hit their limit "Okay! I get it. I have guest rooms down here. Second floor is off limits. Gwen comes send her home. Gwaine you will have to pay for the booze you steal." Arthur walked up the stairs and pass out on his bed mentally exhausted.

-/-/-

"So tell me about your childhood?" Dr. Le Fay said. Merlin looked at the ceiling, he hated therapy god he hated therapy. He was quite good at talking mindless babbling was his forte. Empty words devoid of meaning could save someone more times than he like to think. So could convincing. "I'm fine." "no I get that he's dead, I'm not waiting for him." "oh you have a work trip? That's fine." "no mom that's not my major." "Arthur is a Prat." "He's just my boss." so many lies. To many words clouding up the air so that misery wouldn't.

"My dad was gone, my mom worked a lot."

"And how did that make you feel?" Merlin looked at her, surprised at her conceding tone. She looked like she was challenging him, all weapons drawn.

"Excuse me." Merlin said.

"If you're not going to be earnest then why should I put effort into this?" Dr. Le Fay questioned.

"Fine. You want to know my childhood? My mom worked all the time 10/7. In my early years she took night law school and juggled 2 other part time jobs. When she became a lawyer she was always at the office. It was her way of dealing with the lack of my father." merlins voice lost the anger, it just sounded lost and bitter, "I learned to be crafty, I made my own dinner, did the laundry, made sure the bills were paid. When she forgot to restock the food bank account or I used up the money for bills I went hunger. Then I got jobs, as a researcher, a hacker, I sold college essays for a long time. That was my family, if you can call it that even. I spent my nights watching stupid tv shows and playing FIFA alone. I remember it was my 14 birthday and I got a monopoly board. I sat and played every part. All 6 players. I hate monopoly." merlin seemed lost in thought for a minute "So I'm used to people not putting effort into my well being."

"That could be classified as neglect you know?" Morgana said looking him dead in the eye.

"I know, but I just think I'm that sort of person."

"What sort of Person?"

"The kind that gets neglected."

"What do you mean by that?"

"The friends I make are so boisterous and their lives follow suit, I'm lost in the din." The parties, the girls, the boys, sex, love, work, friends, all that noise and Merlin could scream and still no would hear.

"Your mom requested a Visitors pass." Morgana said abruptly changing the conversation. Merlin knew she wanted to continue but she was good at her job, she knew when words would become lies and shame would poison any truth.

"I don't want to see her. She only will leave work for 2 weeks max, I'll wait her out. " One weeks for will. Two weeks for Merlin.

"And the others?"

"What others?"

"The other people who wanted to visit?"

"Let them in, I doubt they'll be able to make it. Sunday's are important in their world." Sundays meant brunches, and socialites. Merlin remembered being invited to one, but he was underdressed and left hungry. People assumed he was a caterer so he did the work. Arthur saw this and asked if he would be his maid too. Merlin laughed but it left a sour taste in his mouth, more proof his affections were pipe dreams.

"You don't think they will come?"

"I don't think they'll remember."

"It won't matter if they remember or not since the police are still investigating. A successful prime-of-life man with billionaire friends and no outward signs of depression. They think you were pushed to do this." Morgana states using an old psych trick, ask a question without really asking.

"I wasn't." Merlin's said looking in the corner.

"Okay well the police are probably going take them down to the station to get their statement. How crappy for you self proclaimed 'best friend' Arthur, the tabloids won't ever stop hounding him." Morgana said with a sneer at Arthur name.

"What do you have against Arthur?" Merlin said a bit shocked Arthur would call him his best friend, but Arthur probably was trying to get media coverage, everyone knows Leon is Arthur's Best Friend.

"We share genetics." Dr. Le Fay said.

"That was you? Oh, god Arthur was so mad at Uther for not telling him about you. He didn't stop talking about you for weeks." Merlin said smiling to himself at the thought of Arthur's exclamation about he would have probably hit on his half-sister if he didn't know. He was so ridiculous.

"I'm sure he was." Dr. Le Fay said with tight lipped smile, "Thats the end of our session today, Nurse Emma will need you to take your meds and decide what activities you want to do."

=/=/=

"Is this Arthur Pendragon?"

"Yes this is him."

"This is Camlot PD were going to need you to come in for some questioning about the suicide attempt of Merlin Emrys."

"I'll come in when ever you need me." Arthur said stirring his coffee with his star, it didn't taste the way Merlin made it. It was to to strong, and to hot. He couldn't bring himself to drink it.

"In an hour if that's okay with you?" The police officer asked obviously a bit shocked, Arthur Pendragon was notorious for refusing to bend to anyones whim.

"Could we possible do it sooner, I just want this whole thing to be over. "

"I'll see." Arthur sighed at the hold tune, "Mr. Pendragon? You can come now or in an hour."

"I'll be their in 10." than he hung up.

=  
"Why would he stay your PA when had he a proper savings, being a writer was always his dream?"

"I don't know. Merlin and I, we just, we fit y'know. He gets me and I get him, we spend so much time together we practically live together. In any universe I think we'd still be best friends. Maybe he stayed for that? Maybe for our friendship, hell the hours are terrible, the people are shit, and god knows why he does it, he doesn't like anything with money attached to it. The clotpole would rather wear Walmart over Hugo Boss."

=

"Did Mr. Emrys every mention his intentions to you?"

"His intentions to kill himself?"

"Yes."

"No,didn't ever even seemed depressed. He was so full of life. I thought he was happy."

=

"Keep in mind this is all confidential no one will ever see this but the detectives. Are you in a romantic relationship with Merlin Emrys?"

"No! I have a girlfriend, whom I love, mind you. I love Merlin but not like that, he's my... Not that! Where would you get such an strange Idea."

"Sir this won't get out to the public, we have to know, it is vital to our investigations."

"Honestly! Merlin and I were never like that. Who would even think?!"

"Mr. Pendragon are you seriously saying that you don't have romantic feelings for Merlin Emrys?"

"Yes!"

=

"Is it possible This way about his job?"

"Merlin once told me about how he loved books, he loved the way emotions could be shown. How to him a word was a thousand images. He was so drunk, he would never have told me that if he was sober. He could have quit, yes I would have whined and complained but, ultimately he could have quit."

-/-/-  
"Mr. Merlin, I'm gonna need to tell me what you want to do today?" the nurse said. Merlin stared lifelessly at her. All he could think about was that She was wearing blue, this whole goddamn floor was in pastels, even the people.

"Mr. Merlin!" The nurse said snapping him out of his daze.

"What are the choices?"

"We have creative writing, sketching, board games, and tv." the nurse said dully. Merlin thought about writing, he thought about how he loved it. How it was breath , breath, breath, when he was constantly drowning. Now it felt like death, death, death, because all he could think about was Arthur. Every time he had tried to write blond hair and and goodness so pure poured from his pen. And it hurt, it hurt like needles and knives on a burn.

"I'll do the writing."


	2. Communicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So I'm Super happy that yall liked this. Please kudo this and share it around. I really want this one blog to rec it soooooo. Anyhow tell me what you think, pls point put any spelling errors and stuff like that. This is unbeta'd so their is bound to be a few. With Love Lizzie.

 

Writing was always easy for Merlin, words never ceased. One word should show thousands of stories to him in a flash. Now it was all one story, one of blue eyes and pure pain. When he signed up for creative writing he hoped for another story, another muse, his hopes weren't plausible. It had been 2 weeks in the hospital, the therapy went no where fast, and the police still hadn't closed his case making it so he still couldn't have visitors or any communication with the outside world.

The prompt today was love, Merlin had a million story's that would fit that prompt but he found that putting the blood from his still bleeding wounds into a pen was harder than anything he'd ever done. The fact that he did nothing during the majority of the day scared the doctors. He knew that they thought his purpose for living was gone and he knew if he wrote something perhaps he would be allowed visitors or callers but it just seemed so pointless. He loved writing, it was empathy, power, everything but it was also bleeding. Pouring your emotions into a piece of paper. When your emotions are so painful it's hard to let it out because then you'd drowned, and unlike Noah you don't have a ship for this storm.

"Never been in love?" a man asked. He had long hair and was so gorgeous Merlin could cry, he was also a patient, on his paper he had written sense and nothing else.

"Excuse me?" Merlin replied. The attendants head snapped up, the attendant was told to pay attention to him, said he was high risk. Merlin conceded that yes he was at high risk for suicide and would continue to be at high risk for suicide for a long time. It didn't mean it wasn't annoying, Merlin didn't have anyone to pretend for here so he didn't try and be good. He seemed so high risk because he didn't care enough about anyone here enough to try. His voice was only heard rarely in therapy or when asked something directly by doctors. For him to respond to a patient was absurd. The silence made his wrists stop aching and helps him escape, at least for a little bit. So it was strange that someone could envoke a response.

"I'm sorry, I'm Lance. You didn't write anything so I assumed..." Lance drifted off.

"It's fine, I'm Merlin. And I don't want to write about my experience with love." Merlin said words feeling foreign on his tongue. It hurts, when you talk after being silent for a while. Like your body forgot and did it wrong, one or two words didn't hurt, but sentences felt like torture. Merlin swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat.

"You don't want to write about faith, hope, religion, trust, truth, weakness, equality, safety, empathy, power, submission, hunger, meanings, or dominance either it seems." Lance counting on his fingers as he recalls all the previous prompts.

"They all turn into the same... I can't write my story, I love to write but I can't, not when it's all..." Merlin remembers those attempts. How faith turned into his belief in Arthur, hope into his foolish pining, religion into the faith Arthur belonged too that would never except him, trust as in the time he trusted himself not to fall and he did etc. It all made his want to take his pencil and use it to kill himself with. An easy way out so the constant, humiliation, humiliation, humiliation, and pain, pain, pain didn't light him aflame.

"How about you write mine then, I'm bad with words and I need to see it on paper." Lance sounded so hesitant as if he were asking the world. Merlin used to want to exactly that for a job, then Will happened and all he wanted to do was remember him as properly as possible. He wanted to collect people's stories and sell them in books. To catalog how people are, and how what we do affects us later.

"Look I don't know..." Merlin started, he didn't want to write anything, if he wrote his story somehow inside of Lances it would hurt Lance. Writing could untangle a web of emotions easily, but it could just as easily tangle them. If someone thought they felt a certain way when they didn't it could force people to act in ways that didn't help them.

"Look my therapist won't let me phone my Ex until I write something coherent about what happened. I really need this and if you could just do me this one solid, please?" Lance seemed so sincere, so non crazy that Merlin felt the need to agree, so he picked up a pencil and Lance began.

{Sense}

The worst possible feeling is the feeling when two people you love fight. It's like your a part of the fight as well. Your both sides of the war and the land they filled with land mines so deep the land itself forgets their existence. You feel each wound gushing pain like fountains and your own pain seems stupid. When your parents fight everyday yet still stay together what you grow up thinking love is warped. What Mommy and Daddy have is a type of love to you, a type so broken and sad that it will never be fixed but still a type. You learn to make yourself small and not to speak without being spoken too. It's the perfect place to never visit. That type of love follows you it follows you in everything you do. You lessen your pain and refuse to fall in love. The idea of love sickens you and it feels like your without any warning sinking when your first girlfriend says she loves you. You pray to god she doesn't. When you think of love your thoughts go to the the color of contempt on your mothers face,how lonely the sound raised voices is, and the smell of the bag your father always threatened to leave with. The first time you fall in love she is a goddess. She can make affection and partnership be delivered in a way that doesn't ring out like the sound of a slap. When she says she leaving you do not stop her, you expect her to come back that, you learn that your parents never used abandonment as a weapon because it's to powerful of a force to mess with. When you start working with at a firm where equality between lower levels and upper levels differ all you can notice is the similarities between your childhood and your workplace. You realize you have PTSD. You forget to get help. Suddenly your learning about the love a doctor has for their patents.

"Merlin, this is amazing! I never was able to word that right. It feels as if I wrote it but.." Lance trailed off all the jubilance fading out of his eyes. Old ghosts still haunting eyes that were supposed to shine. To many things seen that could not be unseen. Far more violence that shouldn't have existed.

"You did in a way, you wrote the emotions the way your voice cracked, how your face looked when you told your story. I can write that, you can be it." Merlin said. He was hadn't been this happy in years. The words came freely and it didn't hurt him to write. It was like when Will died he took Merlin's ability to write as well. He was left with nothing, stripped bare and alone. He didn't know where he found the strength to overcome what happened to him, and how in a situation so bafflingly easy compared to that, he bent. He surrender, he let every impuse take him. It was strange how life worked out, how when he was willing to let everything go, he received a gift.

"I can't thank you enough for this, it's... Incredibly helpful, I could voice how I felt exactly but this, this sums it up so well. It baffles me. Your way with words is like magic." Merlin remembered Will uttering words like that, how he traced the outlines of Merlin's ribs, and cradled his hand looking at them in the light. Declared him magic, said he created everything and the world was his to command. He remembered how he grasped Wills face in his hands and wondered how he got something so beautiful. What act of kindness had given him Will. He told Will if he was magic, Will was a spell book.

"Magic Merlin, I'll make that my stripper name, it's great because I'll still be me."

=/=/=

It had been 14 days since Arthur saw Merlin and if he didn't see Merlin soon he'd have a psychotic break. Not just a fake one to see Merlin but an actual one. Things were in shambles since he... Arthur didn't want to think about what he did. That was impossibly why he couldn't stop thinking about it. It's like when someone says not to think of the color red and you immediately think of the color red. It haunted him, the thoughts of Merlin alone in his bathroom, how the tiles would stain pink. How his skin would be ice. And that seemed fitting, that Merlin would leave the world in a haze of beautiful violence. All pink tinting, ice cold, dead. Not choked on his own barf, or spattered on some road way.

Gwen and him weren't speaking which for the first time was not Arthur's fault, he didn't care enough to bother with his father, and his business itself wasn't running as smoothly. He threw himself into his work and Merlin. When he wasn't sleeping he was either going through why Merlin could ever even think about... or he was in working. Without a PA the entire process took ages and the thought of getting a replacement even if was until Merlin got better seemed like a betrayal. He had of course looked at the files, read Merlin's notes on each possibility but could hardly get though the first batch. Merlin's voice kept seeping into the reviews, he couldn't stop picturing him all elbows and too wide grins. All alive. Some times he'd look and see Merlin's desk and not be able to breath. Merlin's presence, support, it was all so essential such a huge part of him that without it, life felt dull. Arthur knew he wasn't the only one who missed Merlin, he knew about the flowers being sent to Merlin only to be redirected to Ms. Emrys. It seemed like such a weak way to comfort people, flowers where lively beautiful things killed and given to her gift wrapped, much like her relationship with her son.

Arthur would be lying if he said he wasn't a bit angry at Ms. Emrys. If she hadn't ignored him or done whatever thing that lead to their distance perhaps he wouldn't have not done... what he had done. If Arthur didn't need Ms. Emrys permission to see Merlin he would have ripped her a new one, defaced her parenthood, blamed her for Merlin's... but he couldn't, she was his only hope at seeing him. Plus for as much as he want to blame nurture over nature, Merlin's depression was probably genetic. A curse placed on the line by some spiteful god. Some sadist, someone Arthur could never get his hands on. So he settled on Mr.s Emrys.

It seemed unfair that such a responsibility was given to a woman who couldn't possible know what would be best for Merlin. If anyone he deserved that privilege. Merlin was his, his to protect, his to love, just his, he knew he shouldn't claim Merlin, and that technically he didn't have any claim. Yet Merlin was his as acutely as he was Merlin's, they were the different sides of the same coin.

He knew this dynamic was the main reason he couldn't see Merlin, or anyone who had any relations to him couldn't (he didn't know why Ms. Emrys couldn't, probably because of some childhood trauma), he was told that much by his mole in the NYPD. While his source didn't elaborate Arthur could tell what they thought, cold, manipulative, spoiled, CEO forced/manipulated his poor sweet innocent PA to be his side of ass and said CEO shunned and humiliated said PA until the PA became suicidal. The theory would work if it were any one but Arthur and Merlin. Arthur had worked in a women's help center in college he knew the horrors of those types of relationships, if he for some reason decided to date Merlin he would fire Merlin first, he was a business man and business should not mix with pleasure, and Arthur didn't even shun Merlin in their current extremely loving platonic relationship or act as if Merlin was less, he was proud to be seen with Merlin, Merlin knew that. Merlin was too strong willed to bend to any abusive mans hand, he fought with vigor, Merlin would also never get involved with his boss purely because was quite adamant about equality in relationships, and finally Merlin simply didn't care whether not he was shunned by Arthur in public or if he would he would bring it up.

The only person who could possible change Arthur's and Merlin's dynamic so Merlin felt inferior was Gwen, sweet Gwen, all nice modest inch of her was considered Movie star glam. Arthur knew Merlin hadn't been in a relationship in a long time and perhaps being faced with Arthur's prominent success at find a partner is what drove Merlin to... Arthur didn't like to think like that, Gwen would never try to hurt Merlin. She was too sweet, too nice for any of that.

With thought of how kind Gwen was he texted her inviting her for lunch, the first time he'd make contact with her for 2 weeks

-/-/-

"So you wrote something for once in creative writing." Morgana said, while he didn't want to give her that satisfaction he doubted she would stop pressing, and Merlin would rather surrender now than in a few weeks later after a grueling stalemate. Silent stares were meet with blank ones. Dr. Le Fay was loosing but she fought with a vigor Merlin found impressive.

"It was a favor for a friend." Merlin said eyes daring Morgana to question further. Morgana's eyes challenged right back.

"You're making friends now? Why, you barely interact with the people you have to so why make friends?" Mainly because he was lonely, he used to be rarely alone, his every waking moment with Arthur or if not with Arthur than with reminder of Arthur's affection. He didn't know how much it hurt not to have Arthur calling him over to fix his tie or pat his back. How much it hurt to be without Arthur's casual touches and heartfelt affectionate compliments, or his teasing insults. It wrecked Merlin in a way, it reminded him of to many quiet nights were he kept himself busy to try and forget that it was only him. Lance reminded him of the best parts of Arthur, his nobleness, his honesty, and his honor. It didn't hurt that Lance was as affection starved as he was and gave amazing hugs. Merlin knew if he wasn't so in love with Arthur, or so damaged by other attempts at love, he would fall so quickly in love with Lance that his head would spin. Since that was not the case and never would be the case him and Lance were friends. Friends who were close but alas just friends.

"I like Lance and the topic was hard for him to work on." Was Merlin's terse reply. The topic was harder than hard for him to work on. It was the pain the Merlin had failed to bottle up in his own self. Lance could still barely take about, he used vague terms like, war zone, and torn apart.

"It was love isn't it, who was your first love, why couldn't you write about him?" Morgana said not yet willing to stop pressing. Merlin just stared at her, he knew that she knew about Will. It crossed the line, saying that, forcing him to talk about something so painful. Merlin had great respect for Dr. Le Fay, while her forceful techniques where unpleasant and left something to be desired, they worked. He just never thought she'd go this far, this went out of forceful unconventional therapy, this was torture. If he could he would have left the therapy room right then. If he had that choice he would spit on her.

"Well, Dr. Le Fay as you know my first partner died. If you must know I could write several books about Will, but writing about him here well he'd hate it, what happened to him wasn't a storm building up inside of me that exploded now. It had its effects but had I chosen a different path I wouldn't have slit my wrist and let it all go to hell. I'm sure you'll get off thinking of that, seeing as you like to torture your fucking patients." Morgana's eyes had fire in them now and Merlin realized his mistake. He had only meant to give her a inch but he gave her a mile. She had been out for reason, she wanted a reason other than depression and unrequited love. She wanted someone to say something to push me over the edge.

"What path did you choose?" Merlin stayed silent, fuming.

-/-/-  
Later slightly pained Merlin wrote to Will.

[Dear Will]

Dear Will,  
I need your help, your often blunt, crude and slightly insensitive advice has always lead to my best decisions. I fell in love. And honestly you'd hate him, he's insensitive, rich, rude,privileged, and one of the best men I have ever meet. Which you should note is very hard seeing as I know you.

The effort he puts into our interaction is not that of hardworking, he did not wine and dine me like you, or even take me out. He wooed me the same way teenage girls are wooed; a handsome boy doesn't put any effort into wooing, his very decency attracts the girls.

You told me once that I deserved to be wooed, that my presence in someone's life should be earned through hard work and that my time was precious. I miss that love you bathed me in, I miss it in a selfish way. I miss the confidence it gave me, the way it warmed my core in such a pleasant way, it was how I was able to do anything with my life.

I doubt I would even have the chance to meet the man I'm in love with now if you were alive. You would have insisted I kept in contact with my mother, worked at a job that needed my degree, and I don't know what I would do if I was told I could go back and save your life. I feel the loss of you every day, it's a constant pain in every second I am present, but I would just as keenly feel the loss of him. I know I should say I'd save you no matter the consequences because I know I would be happy with you, and seeing how without you this happened it would be less painful but... I love him. I don't love him how I love you I doubt I could ever love anyone like that again.

I loved you in a naïve we will be together forever trusting way that only first loves can claim, and I know had you have survived we would have stayed together forever, but what happened it changed how I love. I fell in love with you so slowly in the beginning, more and more each day then suddenly it was like a tsunami, tall, huge, destructive, and life giving. I know you wouldn't use tsunami as a word to describe how you fell in love, you'd use some word with a positive connotation, the thing about tsunamis is while they destroy they also spread fertile soil.

I desperately need to be a phoenix, what existed before was all pain and insecurity, our tsunami gave me fertile land to rebuild on. I remember when I started to fall in love with you; when we became friends you wondered where my mother was. From what you gleamed off me you thought she was like your family working to help you, making as much time as possible to see you while having to provide for you. When you realized she wasn't like your family, y ou mourned the loss of my family for me, because I couldn't. It was the best gift anyone had given me up to that point, you told me how sorry you were for me.

Do you remember when you came out to your parents, how after you introduced my as your longterm partner, how Alice told me to call her mom, and Gaius called me son? I was most in love with you then, when you gave me a family because mine wasn't there. You could have called me a boyfriend, they wouldn't have reacted like that if you didn't use the words longterm partner, I knew you did that on purpose.

I often wonder how you fell in love with me, I am not anything to write home about, and I never was. I know in the beginning you were attracted to me as a fellow comrade but what after that? I wonder sometimes if you loved me at all. Then I think about your godamn smile and cry because I know I'm not being fair. I miss you so much Will, too much. I still get angry at you for dying. I still wake up screaming at you to not get on the road, I know that even if I begged that day you still would have left. Sometimes I think it would be better if I had gone with you. To hear me admit that must be hard for you but it's true. Your death burned me, I know you feel so guilty about the pain and also the fact that deep down your somewhat glad that I'm branded, glad that somehow your memory is still intact. I know you feel repulsed by this truth, like you did when I got flowers tattooed onto my foot for you. I remember how happy you looked when you saw it, how proud you looked when you showed me the pen on your shoulder. How when we made love that night you said my name like a pray, like it was something worthwhile.

I wish that was the only tattoo that will mar my skin but I fell in love again and now I have to tattoo them onto me soon. Love is always going to imprint itself into the person feeling it, whether it visualizes the scars and changes said lover caused, or if it reminds the person of the love they share and the devotion they promised.

Either way it's a tribute to who said person is and to the people that made them that way. I think I'm going to get Excalibur tattooed over one of my scars on of my wrist and on the other scar a bouquet of forget-me-nots, lilacs, and white lilies, both pastel and in a tasteful Van Gogh style. You know what the bouquet symbolizes easily, you, my first love, and my mother. Excalibur as you've guessed is for him, he the stupidly noble type. I don't know how he'd react to my love, I think he'd end up hurting me. Not intentionally of course, but indirectly. He already did it once, he got a girlfriend. Now I know I shouldn't be angry, but I thought the only affection he could need, the only love he should need is mine. It felt like I wasn't enough, that my love wasn't enough somehow. It was like reliving my childhood everyday, undoing all the work you did. I look forward to you helping me rebuild in the afterlife.

See you soon  
Painful amounts of love  
~Merlin

  
=/=/=

When Arthur planned how his lunch with Gwen he thought he'd apologize, she'd forgive him and they would move on their merry way. Two things made that not possible, nothing could possible be merry in a world where Merlin tried to... and Gwen refused to meet Arthur's eyes.

"Look Gwen about Mer-" Arthur started fully ready to apologize.

"I know, I'm so sorry. I didn't think I was just jealo-" Gwen interrupted. Gwens voice was only half sincere, the other half was a mix of jealousy and guilt, with a pinch of bitterness. As if what she had done was only a minor crime, and h=in her eyes it was. She had been mean to a person with depression, that was not rare, the world does not pull its punches for anyone.

"What? Gwen what did you do?" Arthur's voice turned cold and hard. Gwen seemed to shrink into herself as Arthur got bigger. Arthur's muscled tensed, his lungs filled as his chest filled up. Gwen slouched, her breath cuting off too soon, her eyes closing.

"I well... Me and Merlin we had this understanding right? Like he would leave you alone so I could have time with you, and" Gwen started to rush her words" and he'd stay out of our personal lives. Um and "Gwen looked down sheepishly at her folded hands " I told him not to come to the New Years Party because you would want to spend more time with people you actually cared about. That they came first. I know it was a bad thing for me to tell him, but I didn't know he was fucking depressed!"Gwen said getting defensive "Who could blame me, my boyfriend spent more time with his co worker than me, and said co worker was practically a puppy around him. I know that I shouldn't have done it and I regret it but I was just jealous." Gwen peered up from her hands. Arthur was murderous, his face red, a vein bulging, the look of hate in his eyes unparalleled. It was the hate of the slighted, not eh hate of the quick to anger.

"We are done." Arthur said calling the waiter over trying and failing to maintain so form of control. He felt he had lost any semblance as soon as Merlin died, but this, this pushed him over the edge. He felt as if he was pouring his emotions in everyone's faces, showing them how reactive he could be. It was hell for someone who's business depended on his cold powerful image. He had to control himself, he couldn't show pain or weakness. Living like that is toxic, it pulls on a person and it leaves them gasping. Arthur is so bottled up you might as well call him a wine cellar.

"But Arthur!" Gwen said shocked and pained. Her eyes watering, and her nose getting red. Her voice was loud; a shriek, other patrons looked at them with a mix of annoyance and interest. Too many interested eyes.

"But nothing Gwen, Do you want to know what the police asked me? Why would Merlin want to be the first one dead in the new year, do you want to now what I said. Merlin is one of the few people I put before anything else before business, before social norms, an elite selective group of 3 my dad, my girlfriend and Merlin. He's the first on that list, so I have no idea. Well that group now has 2 names on it, leave now I can't look at you anymore after what you did. I'm going to leave now and it would be best if I never saw you again, I doubt I'd be able to control my angry." He had spoken in a hushed tone, voice faster and sharp. Gwen was now full on crying and Arthur knew he should probably do damage control, get the people in the restaurant to sign disclosure agreements or at least pretend to comfort Gwen but Arthur was too angry. He didn't care how he would look to the public; cold billionaire CEO dumps sweet Hollywood actor. Arthur gave the stunned waiter the paid bill and left the sniveling Gwen in the booth.

Arthur had to get to the police, he found a motive.

~/~/~

"You've been writing." Lance remarked to Merlin. Lance of course looked amazing all tousled hair and great face. Merlin on the other hand, Merlin was converted in graphite and ink, after his first letter to Will the words wouldn't stop coming. He told Will everything, from his college years without him,to the feeling of mental hospital beds. He relived memories in these letters, sometimes saucy memories, sometimes sweet memories, but more often than not memories of Will being Will best. Relived moments of Will being sarcastic,teasing him, or Will being passionate about some social issue in dire need of correction. It was more helpful then any therapy he had received.

"I'm writing letters to the first person I ever fell in love with." Merlin said briefly looking up before writing again. Lance gently pulled Merlin out of his hunched over paper position. Fingers gentle, grabbing his waist. Warm fingers touching his soft sides. It was a intimate moment, Merlin hadn't had a feeling like this since Will. The warmth that the feeling of another humans skin touching you were you are weak. It is incredibly comforting.

"What?" Merlin said trying to push past Lances very toned arms to continue writing, while still enjoying the warmth they provide.

"I haven't talked to you in four days, I miss my friend." Merlin paused, he understood why this was a big deal, here in the mental hospitals friendships are lifeboats. Everyone there is fucked up, no one there will judge you. For Lance it probably incredible important, he was just learning what love truly was. And his biggest source of platonic affection just stopped, they had talked about being neglected as a child and knew how much it hurt to not have a reliable sense of affection. If Merlin were to continue to ignore Lance it would be like waving food in front of a starving baby, it was helpless, it had to watch.

It must of felt like Merlin was doing this on purpose to wound Lance and... Merlin hugged him, Merlin buried his face into Lances shoulder and started to cry. He never wanted to do that to someone, he remembers how it felt to think he was loved and to have that completely ripped away from him. He never wanted to do that to anyone, ever, and here he was doing it to Lance. Merlin couldn't stop the guilt, he keep trying to hold onto Lance even when the aids tried to pull him away.

-/-/-

"So, you had to get an aid to carry you away." Dr. Le Fay stated looking cold and poised ready to strike. Merlin felt the dread already start to fade more and more. Panic attacks lasted for hours, and hours, they just trailed on getting less and less painful. The panic is still there though, it is still buried like a land mine waiting for something to make you explode.

"So I did." Merlin said, using the same trick. Legs tense, fingers interlocking and then not. The anxiety was so present in his body language, anyone could tell.

"You were crying on an patients shoulder and refusing to let go." Morgana said getting angry. Her techniques weren't working. Everything she tired with Merlin did work. It gave her wisp when the same technique applied on other patients revealed everything.

"That was me."

"Why?"

"I don't know, your the one who gets paid to specialize in going through my head." Morgana looked distraught, and Merlin felt guilt claw at his stomach, eating at his self proclaimed victory.

"Look! I need you to tell me what caused this, I have the police breathing down my neck saying that they have a motive and that your case will close, then I have you fucking assaulting another patient! And this whole fucking department breathing down my back because Pendragon Inc. promised to donate some huge ton of money if you get fixed. Then somehow word that you are here came out and a shit ton of billionaires are acting if your the god damn messiah and I can't fucking deal with it. The company Druids publishing is offering to give us a fuckton of money if you just fucking get better. This is my career at stake. For fucksake..." Morgana crumbled as her voice got progressively less loud and sadder as she talked. Merlin understood, in a way he didn't before, Merlin mattered in the elite world, what he did was some huge shock to the rich community. They acted like he was dead, donating to causes that would have help him only if they were proven worth. He new how Morgana felt as well, he had felt it many times before; the pressure to do what overall is good for your cause but falling over pesky morals. Dr. Le Fay was a good doctor, she pushed because she new she could be a better doctor but only if one patient got better. It was the question would you give up everything you prided yourself on in one situation, in Morgana's case her ability to help her patient, to be able to help more effectively in others.

"Look I'm sorry that happened, I should have recognized that it would have happened." with all the press that Pendragon Inc it wasn't odd that people were willing to donate. Morgana was just a pawn easily knocked off the board to get to their good publicity. It was a shitty feeling, being a pawn, another worthless piece of trash. Merlin knew that feeling all too well, it was a position that was comforatble to him, but to Morgana it must have felt unbelievably hurtful.

"No I'm sorry that was incredibly unprofessional of me. I just, you getting better is not something I can fake, I can't release you to the world as better or claim that your getting better when your not. But I can't pass up the funding. If you want to switch therapist I understand." Dr. Le Fay looked tired like she had just lost something huge. And perhaps if Merlin wasn't Merlin she would have. If he showed any doubt in her, her career would be over.

"Hey no, that's fine... Anyone would freak out like that if all that pressure was on them." Merlin said as reassuringly as he possibly could. He had once. Arthur had three charity balls, a meeting with his father, and a meeting with a big share holder in one week. He sat and cried for an hour when he got the schedule. He then got up and tried his best, Merlin barely remembers any part of tht week now.

"Yes, well I just need for you to work with me on this, I can't..." Morgana trailed off, eyes glancing from Merlin to her wringing hands.

"I didn't assault another patient, Lance has a history of neglect like me, we became friends etc. I was triggered because I neglected our friendship and I have issues with causing others pain." Morgana looked so thankful, she wrote in her notebook and looked up again.

"Thank you, so about the motive, would you like to hear it and have the right to deny or confirm?" Merlin smiled thankfully at Dr. Le Fay, he was glad to be given some control over his life.

"I'd like to confirm or deny." Merlin said Morgana fiddled with her fingers and nodded, more somber than she was a second ago.

"Mr. Pendragon, the one you work, with claimed that the famous Gwen Smith had been saying comments to you about your worth to Mr. Pendragon and that was a leading factor, can you confirm that, or are you denying that.?" Merlin's throat closed so Arthur knew, he fucking knew and he, he... He most have discussed it with her, oh poor Merlin, he is soo obsessed with you, yeah honestly he's pathetic. Or maybe they didn't discuss it at all. He knew and didn't even think Merlin high enough to care. It felt like he was a condom used for someone else's pleasure, he wondered if Arthur ever cared about him at all, if Merlin was just dirt he treated well because said dirt would fight back. It hurt like razor blades stabbed into every part of him. He remembered every knowing glance that Arthur and Gwen shared, had they been laughing at him?

"Merlin?" Dr. Le Fay asked concerned. She hadn't seen Merlin act like this before, he just sat stock still. Then he started to shake, then cry, it was strange seeing this continent of a man break down. It was like watching a earthquake from outer space, terrifying and disheartening. You couldn't help, you could only sit back and watch lives be destroyed. Morgana didn't think triggered would be a correct term for what happened to Merlin, when you pull a trigger it is violent, and fleeting. While the violence was the same the fleeting part was not. This pain that Merlin was going through would never be fleeting, this panic attack may end but the affects would stay for years.

Panic Attacks have that affect, you shack and cry and all you can feel is pain pain panic. It's all you can feel you can't feel, every thing else is locked away. It's just as bad as depression, because while depression numbs you to just sad, anxiety adds another unpleasant emotion. When Morgana called a nurse to give Merlin a sedative she is shaking herself.

=/=/=

When Arthur gets back to his penthouse after giving his statement all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. He wants to forget how the officers face changed with understanding, how he was treated as the victim after being the criminal for so long. He remembered how numb he felt when the officer patted his back and told him when Merlin or his therapist confirmed the story he and his associates would be cleared. Arthur did not want to hear laughter in his penthouse, he wanted the sobering silence that had continued as his guests stayed ever more.

Arthur closed the door to see Gwen laughing with Gwaine, Gwaine looking all together much merrier than he was this morning. Arthur reflected that it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that some people could bring people out of their despair just as easily as they could put them in. Arthur wanted his villains and heros to be as different as black and white. He hated how Gwen on a sunny day was the sweetest periwinkle-grey and on a stormy day the most chilling grave gray. He knew if people were really just good and bad the world would be a far worse place, but people who live like a trojan horse damage as well.

"Gwen I explicitly told you I never wanted to see you again, get out, and give me your key. If you do this again I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing." Arthur's voice was cold and calculating. Gwen's once merry expression faded, Gwaine looked ready to punch Arthur.

"Arthur how dare you-" Gwaine started, voice sharp like a knife.

"If you continue Gwaine, your visitation rights will be revoked." Arthur said voice still cold but with the edge of a sneer. Gwaine looked shocked, Arthur would threaten Gwaines business, his family, his money, his reputation, anything but Merlin. Merlin was rare, to scarce to do anything but share. Gwaine faltered in his attack.

Gwen didn't "I thought if I gave you time... It was a mistake, I said something mean so what? You shouldn't have put me on some fucking pedestal we all make mistakes. For fucksake your going to give up on this" Gwen gestured at her and him "because of that! I thought-"

"Oh you thought did you? Please don't make that mistake again. Also I'd try to act a little more remorseful when the police question you, make it look like your at least a little sorry about" Arthur started to get angry "how you fucking pushed Merlin to suicide. Fucking Merlin, the epitome of Goodness, the person who is too sweet for his own fucking good." Gwaine looks wrecked, looking between Gwen's shining eyes and Arthur's defiance.

"You see the way you talk about him Arthur, truly who can blame me." Gwen said voice cracking as she said his name.

"I can, now leave." Gwen stood up angrily and walked out the door. Arthur had never felt more proud of himself or more alone.

-/-/-

The next day Lance gives Merlin a hug as soon as he sees him. Lance keeps apologizing for Merlin's breakdown, while Merlin knows he should Merlin didn't care enough about to scold he for it. He just sags into the hug, soaking up as much affection as possible, the idea that Arthur knew still haunting him.

It hurt, it was so humiliating that he figured it out, that poor Merlin, couldn't deal. It truly wasn't mean what Gwen did, Gwen in the beginning was so confused about Merlin. She was always kind and often playful, but when Merlin touched Arthur or was too friendly with Arthur she looked so lost. Merlin couldn't bare it, that someone so sweet was looking lost and confused.

The more and more Arthur and her started dating the more she started treating more like a servant and less like a friend. It hurt doubly because, Merlin lost a friend, a sweet nice friend who payed attention, and then he was losing Arthur, bits and bits. When Gwen moved in with Arthur she got much worse, Merlin stopped feeling like her servant, but rather her donkey. He fetched, got scolded, and at first he didn't mind. He was too wrapped up in losing Arthur to truly notice, but certain things stayed with him. " Well Arthur does have Someone..." "The paps love to hate you..." "Arthur is trying to get away from anything that involves work...", "Arthur wants his actual friends at his parties not his work friends...", "with Arthur's it's all about family and friends, work is last..." it hurt in an abstract way. Gwen only said the truth, Merlin knew Arthur wanted away from work he complained about it enough, he knew that when the paps saw him he was always "Arthur's Gay Lover" even though he had told them multiple times it wasn't like that, he knew Arthur didn't want anyone from work at his parties, he had gripped and gripped about it, Merlin knew these things. Hearing Gwen say it changed the entire meaning though, when it was him and Arthur it was easy to forget Arthur didn't care for him, that he was no different that any other employee, Gwen reminded him.

She wasn't a bad person she just wanted things to be like normal offices are. Merlin knew the police would blame Gwen, say she pushed him, he also knew that she would face no charges or even rumors. Merlin didn't know what to think about Gwen, she was a sweet girl who didn't want her boyfriend to be panted after, but on the other hand she had in a way stolen his reason for living. Merlin in his heart of hearts liked Gwen without Arthur, she was a wonderful person, and Gwen was a good person, with her flaws but who doesn't have any flaws.

Merlin ended the hug and started writing a letter to Will, he wanted to finish it before group.

=/=/=

"Gwen! Gwen made him do it? Arthur Gwen is -" Percy started when Arthur called everyone to tell them the good news, that they could talk to Merlin in a couple of days. They all seemed so happy, then like they were all the same person they questioned how exactly it this came to be. Like they thought he had paid off the police to see Merlin. Arthur knew that this wasn't an impossible claim, he was losing it without him. Anyone could see how Merlin was the one who made him the happiest. When Gwen was mentioned they all reacted differently, Gwaine of course having proof cursed out Gwen, Freya took it with an easy understanding, Leon trusted him, Elyan was adamant that Arthur was lying until Gwaine confirmed it, no one took it like Arthur expected them to. All of them but Elyan accepted it a lot easier than Arthur thought they would, was Gwen showing signs of this type of Behavior had Arthur missed the signs. Elyans reaction was also an enigma, it shouldn't have taken over an hour to convince him, even if Gwen and him were close. Percy was by far the only person to react like Arthur thought he would, with a struggle for understanding but an eventual understanding.

"Gwen is a jealous girl who is not used to having to share affection, especially with someone she considers below her." Arthur replied, his jaw clenching at the thought. Merlin was the product of public schools, he had a useless degree, he was a PA, he wore hideous clothing, he was improper, obvious but he would always be above everyone else. Always be the one to give up his life for someone he hated, always willing to bleed for someone else's sake. Merlin was what was good with the world.

"I get that now but it just surprises me you know?" Percy said, yeah Arthur thought, it surprised me as well.

-/-/-

"So Merlin, I have news." Morgana started "You'll be getting phone calls tomorrow, I have cleared you for phone calls from anyone but Gwen, since there has been such heavy demand for your time you wont be doing group but instead be receiving calls."

"How'd you pull that off?" Merlin laughed, the sound feeling foreign in his mouth.

"I didn't pull it off, a large donation pulled it off, but only until visitors day, after that you'll be slumming it back in group." Morgana said with a smirk. Merlin grinned his face brightening like the sun. He was going to hear Arthur's voice, he was going to be able to talk to Arthur.

=/=/=

"Mr. Pendragon?" A voice asked as he picked up the phone.

"Yes." Arthur replied, looking at his whisky as he answered. He was in his living room, the gang around him, they had been silent before the call, you could hear a pin drop. It felt like they were grieving together, over both the new loss of Gwen and the older loss of Merlin. It was like they were banding together trying to find a way to live without those people in their lives.

"Merlin Emrys will have phone time from 12 pm till 3 pm for this week only and also have time during normal phoning hours such as 5 till 8." Arthur felt himself smile since the first time he got that email. He was going to hear Merlin's voice, he was going to be able to talk to Merlin. The idea of that felt better than any drug he took in his teens.

And he was going to do the real thing tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way should I stick to just Morgana or just Dr. Le Fay or do you like the switching up.


	3. The Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the chronicles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own any of these characters. This is unbetaed, but I will be editing as I go along.  
> Warning a character calls a philosophy voodoo crap. I hope you like it. Tell me what you thing! I love you all.

When Merlin woke up that morning even the air felt lighter. He was going to hear Arthur today! He was going to have Arthur in some way. That felt beautiful, Merlin knew how dependent he was on Arthur but he didn't think that he was.... He had spent almost every day with Arthur for years. Seeing Arthur, being around Arthur, it felt like a part of him, something that was distinctly Merlin; like his name or his finger print. It felt like part of him was missing without Arthur, like part of him died.

It was similar to what happened when Will died, except that it was less. With Will it was like all the parts of his life that Will touched where dead. It felt as if Merlin had died as well, he couldn't bare to drink or eat or do much of anything. Even sleeping felt like a betrayal. Merlin barely remembered the week after Will died. Everything was numb, he knew his Mom forced him to eat, drink and sleep, but nothing else. He knew he did the whole 7 stages of grief, but that time in his life seems clouded. Like the very memory of that time was covered in misery so thick he was blind. He knew abstractly that he had some closure, that he was able to live without Will, to fall in love without Will, to do anything without Will. He also knew he didn't have what anyone would call a healthy amount. He still wondered if he should have died with Will. He still questioned why he didn't when he had the chance. He felt like a seesaw rocking back and forth between whether or not he should live or die. It brought the question up Would you rather have euphoria then be dead or euphoria then misery with just a slight chance of euphoria again? That question haunted Merlin, it hounded him every time he heard the name Will, it was whispered in his ear every time he saw flowers. It was a ghost that never left him.

It was utterly terrifying for Merlin, that fact he was almost as dependent on Arthur as he was on Will. That Arthur held that power over him.

=/=/=

Arthur woke up and he could finally breath. Without Merlin it was like someone had put an unbearable weight on his chest. Like he couldn't breath, like his very existence depended Merlin, and in a way it did. Merlin saved him from a life of work and pressure. He was Atlas; he held the sky but unlike Atlas he did so no one else would have to. Without Merlin Arthur was left to hold all the weight, it felt as if he was drowning. So when Arthur woke up, he was no longer drowning, he could finally breath. He got up and with more vigor than he's had in days put together an outfit. It was 6 am and Arthur was more than read to hear Merlin's voice.

[-]-[-]

When Arthur first approached her Gwen was in awe, but also wary. She just finished her first big role in a rather awful Rom-Com, it was cheesy and cliche as hell but it was publicity. She had been warned just hours before about Arthur, been told that he liked to do this, liked to take new talent and spit it right out. The warnings didn't stop her fascination with him, she knew he was no good for her, but she had been so good for so long. She had done all the right things, went to school got a back up plan, only fucked nice guys. She was 21 years old and had never had a one night stand, or hell even good sex. Gwen knew she was new and naive about the Hollywood scene, she knew that she would be manipulated and lied to. But hot damn did she want to live a life with at least one regret.

So when Arthur approached her she took a chance.

=/=/=

Arthur's Penthouse had not been his own since Merlin got admitted. Mutual friends came and went but today they all sat and watched the clock. It was 7 am and they had 5 hours before they could call. The silence was stifling, everyone tense as if ready to fight do invisible bad guy they just learned was in the room with them. The only one not in the room was Gwaine. Gwaine had probably fucked off to god knows where to have sex with god knows who. Arthur knew logically it was probably a good idea, that is doing something instead of willing time to go faster, but it felt dishonorable.

"What do you think Merlin's doing right now?" Leon asked to break the silence. Everyone turns to Arthur expectant, he saw this trend, when ever Merlin was the one in question he was always the one with the answer. He didn't know how he ended up here, actually that's a lie, he knew why he was here. He had gotten the email, he was at the hospital, he talked to the head of the department, he was more that Merlins best friend some how. Best friends weren't like them, they were different, they were engrained together, every fiber of their being the same. Arthur had no questions on how he got here he just wondered what it meant.

"Dr. Pai said that patients had a range of activities to choose from, tv, reading, writing, art etc. " Arthur said remembering the over enthusiastic voice of the chairman. How he seemed to gush at the idea of a donation of that quantity. Arthur knew a liar when he heard one, Arthur was sure the amenities were not that great, and that some of the activities he listed probably didn't exist. It's funny what money does to people, it makes fools of us all, the moral to the immoral, the truthful to the liars, the honorable to the traitors.

Money has always talked too loud, Arthur barely can hear is own voice over the shouting. As a kid his money scorned those who didn't have it and made him think he was the one with the power not jut the one who wielded it. He lost that when he saw his Father layoff one man after another, watched their faces sink in a little further, watched worry full their faces, saw anger then contempt then desperation. His father told him this was good business and he felt as if good business was the term for torture. Arthur realized his father was the god, a vengeful god and he, well he was just a prince who used the gods power to increase his own. Arthur had never felt so insignificant or weak. He lost a lot of his cockiness that day,but it still caught up to him. Merlin, Merlin always pulled him back. Told him he was not god, but rather a man with power, and a responsibility to use it correctly.

"Merlin would choose writing, he loves writing. I read one of his old poems, it was amazing, and sad, so very sad and lonely. I wish I could only have seen! Seen what it meant, been able to protect him somehow." Percy admitted shamefaced. Arthur looked at Percy's guilt stricken face and felt a sense of camaraderie. He knew everyone thought they were in someway to blame. They didn't call that one time, they weren't nice enough, they didn't notice, it went on and on. Arthur felt this as well too some extent, but unlike the others he blamed Gwen for this completely. She had to be the reason, Merlin would never have done it other wise. Or would he? Merlin was always alone or at work, he couldn't do what he loved, he lost a loved one, he didn't have time for hobbies. Arthur shook the thought out of his mind, trying to focus on what was being said.

"I don't know, Merlin told me he hit a brick wall when it came to writing more." Freya said. The silence grew and suffocated the people in the room. The clock again became the primary source of attention.

"I think Merlin would still do the writing, he never stops until he does it right."

-/-/-

At that very moment Merlin was writing. He was continuing to write to Will. The more he wrote the more closure he got. As he wrote the to him he knew what Will wold say and how he would act. The very things he wrote were Will and his opinions. It felt good to not have to grieve so excessively at the thought of him, to just remember. It had been so long since he could think of Will without pain, to think of love without pain. It was odd, it was fantastic, it was life altering. Merlin now had a purpose, he wanted to publish it, to publish this book to Will, to show his scars covered in flowers. He didn't want to live, he just wanted Will to live on, he had a purpose. It felt amazing. Merlin wrote with vigor.

[-]-[-]

Gwen knew about Pendragon Inc. long before she knew about Arthur. Her father had come home one day and cursed out the Pendragon's with a hate she didn't even know was possible. Jared Smith turned to drinking to forget, he wasn't a violent drunk just a sad one. He would stare at her and her brother and cry, it was a form of torture Gwen never knew existed. So it was safe to say Gwen disliked the Pendragon's, when she learned that Arthur was one she was shocked. She avoided him for weeks, refusing to make contact. It took her Merlin coming to her apartment and forcing her to tell Arthur what was wrong for her to realize that Arthur was not his father. Arthur did not enjoy firing people, he hated hurting anyone, Arthur was a person more so than a Pendragon. Their relationship hit is biggest bump in those days, the only thing that kept her from running was Arthur saying he'd be exclusive. Still she was colder to Arthur, she demanded to know how many men he had laid off once in the middle of a date. Arthur was endlessly patient with her, no doubt thanks to Merlin. Merlin was her savior, he talked sense into Arthur, won her arguments for her. He was one of her of her best friends, he told her how to coexists with Arthur's whims, and his world. If Merlin weren't gay she would have left Arthur for him in a minute. Hell anyone could love Merlin, everyone did. Every director she was trying to impress, every designer she admired, they all loved Merlin, he had the best connections and was willing to introduce her. Merlin was god in her eyes.

-/-/-

"Sorry to pull you out of your activity like that, Dr. Pai thought it would be beneficial to have you in a "healthy mindset" when you get your calls." Morgana said sneering as she said her bosses name. Merlin sat hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt only looking up when Dr. Le Fay's voice turned into a snarl.

"Arthurs donation?" Merlin said, Morgana nodded looking both irritated and apologetic. Merlin just snorted and rolled his eyes. Of-fucking-course Arthur would throw money out the hospital, and of fucking course Arthur wouldn't realize that the game of you fix him I give you money would hurt the quality of his treatment. Merlin knew Arthur probably scared away the rest of his assistants and was looking to get his old one back. Merlin remembered the one month he was fired and decided to travel, no phone, no Internet, just him and all the places him and Will wanted to go. When he finally got back Arthur had gone through 20 different assistants, he was furious and demanded to know where Merlin was. Merlin felt so needed in that moment, he knew after a month of being back with Arthur's new found appreciation of him, he wouldn't ever be able to leave again. Arthur needed his skills too much and Merlin need Arthur too much.

"Well I guess while I have you I should ask, what are you Writing about? I hardly ever see you without ink on your fingertips or the smell of graphite on your person?" Dr. Le day said an amused smile on her face.

"I'm writing about everything, and anything, telling Will about it. Places we would have gone. People he would have met. How much I miss him. I would like to publish it, let him live on in it, I don't know if I could. Even if I change the names anyone could tell it me." Merlin said going from passionate to hardly emoting as the realization set in. He couldn't publish the letters, it had him written into every sentence, everyone would know, not just about Will, about everything. It would be raw and loud and terrifying and Merlin didn't think he could do that. The idea of anyone he knew let alone Arthur reading that book... it chilled him to his bones. The humiliation, the pain, it would be burning like fire.

"I wouldn't be so sure, people don't notice as much as you'd think. You talk about wanting Will to live on, do you think you could have closure without it?" Morgana asked tone soft. Merlin looked down at his hands. They had seemed so useless after Wills death, unable to bring him back. He thought about how he promised Will every time he wrote about love a little bit of Will would live on, how Will became a sun. His hands couldn't bring Will back, they could let his memory live on. Carry on the essence of the Man he lost.

"No, I don't think I could. I made so many promises when he was alive, I cannot fail them now that he is dead. That would mean..." that he was truly nonexistent. Dr. Le Fay scrutinized him, trying to find a way to help. Morgana was the helping type, to many days having to spend in silence while watching others suffered can do that to a person. Her Mother was Bipolar and after her Father died, she took a turn for the worst. She didn't get up, didn't eat, could hardly blink. Dr. Le Fay felt so hopeless too hopeless. When her mother tried to attempted suicide Morgana swore he was going to fix as many people as possible, or at least help them be consistently be happy. Dr. Le Fay later learned that she was the result of her mothers manic days in which she spent having affairs and being the best socialite possible. She only learned this after her mother died, this time before she could be saved. When she laid her Mother to rest she began her doctorate.

"Why are you so sure everyone would know it was you who wrote those letters." she asked, Merlin paused. His body quaking.

"No one else is as pathetic as I am." Merlin's eyes were steadfast in their resolve to memorize the pattern of the rug. Morgana felt her heart break a little more with each second, the pain he must feel she thought. The pain he must inflict on himself.

"How does telling someone you love about your life pathetic?"

"Because it's my life." He said his voice cracking on the word my.

"Merlin you anything but pathetic." Morgana said meaning every word. Merlin looked up as if he were testing to see if she was telling the truth.

"They would know, they would all know about him and how I couldn't... I couldn't help but..." love him. I couldn't help but love every inch of him. From the heads of his toes to the hair tuff that defies gravity. Merlin thought hopelessly.

"Merlin you are hardly the only person to fall in love with their boss. Not that I wold know." Dr. Le Fay amended thinking of Dr. Pai, "No one is going to see this collection and think oh that was that chap Merlin. No Merlin this collection is about Will, for Will. So you can get closure and he can live on. No one is going to know it was you I swear."

"You really think?" Merlin said looking Morgana straight in the eye, searching for confidence and honest.

"Yes, Merlin I would never lie to you." Dr. Le Fay said as earnestly as a person could be.

"I guess I should work on that then."

"I would have to agree its that guess."

=/=/=

When Gwaine came into the condo he announced "I want to talk to Merlin first." Suddenly everyone was yelling, screaming why they deserved to talk to Merlin the most.

"Everyone shut up!" Arthur yelled promptly shutting everyone up, but Gwaine of course.

"I do what I want."

"Gwaine go to hell." Elyan said.

"Alright, so we only have 6 hours of phone time, Mrs. Emrys and I get an hour each, the rest of you get 48 minutes, Gwaine you're last." Gwaine was about to protest "Seriously Gwaine don't test me. I'll call Ms. Emrys down here so we can discuss this with everyone."

=

Hunith Emrys didn't know what she expected when she walked into Arthur apartment, but she was shocked by what she saw. Leave it to a Pendragon to have a living place with the least character ever seen. The penthouse was beautiful no doubt, a large living room with a spiral staircase to the upstairs, a mix of dark wood, marble, and leather. Even the people, as weary as they looked fit the scene; Arthur all golden, Freya graceful like a willow, Gwaine in his tailored suit, Percy with his air of quiet power etc. she had worked all her life to be in the same class as these people, and was, but she could never become like them, or make them like her. But Merlin could and Merlin did. She could tell because as Golden as Arthur was he had bags under his eye, and as whimsical as Freya seemed her back was hunched, everyone was a mess just the very well hidden type. Hunith knew she was the easy to spot type, the red eyes and sweats type. If anything she was glad to displace Arthurs home if only a little.

"Ms. Emrys would you like something to drink or-"Arthur said getting cut off just as he was starting to go to the kitchen. All eyes were on her, everyone sizing up the woman who made Merlin, trying to see what she did so right. Merlin had always been a bit magic, no one truly knowing how he became so important to them. What about him drew them to him. So to see his creator, the one who made him it was a particular feeling; a feeling of half awe and half- really- you did- that?

"Why did you call me here?" She asked voice all steel, gaze a solid object. She was a presence, much like her son, only she was all solid, and Merlin was just how you felt near him. You could tell when you got an email from Merlin even when it was sent on Arthur's account, writing as professionally as possible. He was the warm breeze of comfort that hugged you when you most needed it, the promise that it would all work out, the feeling of triumph. Hunith Emrys presence was like a gun, powerful, strong but harmless if disassembled properly.

"We were discussing the time each of us should be have on the phone with Merlin. Do you have a preferred time?"  
"What call hours? I was told he still wasn't available." Hunith was a shade whiter. What if Merlin didn't want to see her. She had made more than a few mistakes, she had spent Merlin's childhood at work, trying to forget him. How he left her, with this child who was so like him it hurt, how he left Merlin when he had the money to take care of Merlin but she didn't. Hunith had always wanted to be a Mother, had dreamed about it, she didn't expect to be left. She didn't think that the lose of her lover could kill her like this, could send her spiraling into work-sleep-work so she didn't have to think. She knew she was a bad mother, and it was her fault. She was not strong enough, she was not compassionate enough. After they cut off contact she had awake up call, she saw his obituary, Balinor Dragonlord committed suicide. When it later came out one of his competitors had threatened Merlin if he didn't back down Hunith wept. She wept and wept, Balinor had backed down, he had left them, to protect Merlin. And what had she done? Neglected him, left him to his own ways, hadn't talked to him. She started going to therapy, and how it hurt. To be told she had neglected her child, how she should wait for him to make first contact. It hurt, but it was honest, so she stayed and waited and hoped he would forgive her. She wanted to do something, to send him a birthday card or gift but her therapist told her it would be unwise. So she left flowers for Will once a month, Camilla flowers.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Arthurs angry voice "If that god damn Dr. Pai forgot to tell Merlin's god damn mother because of a bit of money I swear to god! I'll call him-" everyone in the room looked furious, ready to fight any physical foe of Merlin's they could get their hands on. All they wanted was for him to get better, to be better, it's terribly frustrating to watch some you love fight enemies you can't see. You be and you beg to have someone or something to blame, something physical so that you can destroy and fix them. But depression is a ghost, something that affects a persons life but you can't kill it. It's there and it's battle they have to fight on their own, you can patch them up and help them get the courage to pick up the sword but, what they are battling only they can battle.

"No, this is Merlin's choice. I understand why, please don't bother Dr. Pai. I'm just going to go. Please tell Merlin I love him. I love him so much and I'm not going to leave." With that Hunith left all strong and brave until alone were she cursed out her passed self in a slew of tears and self hate so strong it rivaled Merlins.

Back at Arthur's condo the atmosphere grew tenser, and tenser still. They now had one more hour and everyone wanted a piece of it. After one terse conversation it was decided that Merlin would choose who he'd give the time to. And that Arthur would go second to last.

[-]-[-]

Gwen first felt the inkling of love towards Arthur after she wins her first Academy award. They had been dating for 6 months and while it had been rocky, Gwen could see herself with Arthur. She lived for their time together, even though it was often not alone, seeing as Merlin never left Arthur's side, it was amazing none the less. Arthur was such a good man, as hard as it may be to tell, Arthur cared for people. He gave more than ample time to his employees for vacation time and was incredibly generous in the medical leave he allowed. And while this could have all been taken advantage of in a large way it wasn't, the environment he created was fun, he hired people who loved what they did. The only person he never seemed to give a break was Merlin. Merlin worked tirelessly, always fluttering about, never a sick day not even when he had a bad cold, only a week of vacation time. It was a disgrace! Oh and what Arthur was paying Merlin! That was just unjust, Gwen was sure it violated some labor law! She insisted he get a raise or at least more vacation time. When Gwen heard that Merlin got standard vacation time (a month) and standard medical leave (5 days for contagious, one for cold, 14 if a family member was sick, and indefinite if chronic or deadly) she was a bit shocked. Why would Merlin.... he seemed so miserable that day that he had that cold, if he could why wouldn't he.... Gwen puzzled over this day and night, and didn't come up with an answer. So she decided to watch Merlin, see what made him stay.

-/-/-

It was 11:30 and Merlin doesn't think he can eat his lunch. This is a problem because if Merlin doesn't eat his lunch he could get labeled as too sick to talk to. So he leans into Lance and eats the sad excuse for lasagna. Lance shuffles closer still and rubs Merlin's back. Lance knows why Merlin is so nervous, and he doesn't approve. Lance is the soppy romantic sort of man, he believes in love at first sight and the power of true love. The idea that someone could be loved by someone as good as Merlin and love someone who hurt Merlin oh so badly...well it doesn't sit right with him. Lance has this idea of Arthur in his head, no matter how much Merlin has tried to shake it out (and he has) that Arthur is a obvious dolt or a manipulative bastard. (Merlin thinks those are apt descriptions but he knows there is more to Arthur than that) So as soon as Lance learned that Merlin as going to talk to Arthur he began to try and mentally prepare Merlin for this encounter. Lance offered solace if anything went wrong in his solid arms. He tried (tried being the operative word) to convince Merlin that there was other men in the world, as to lessen a rejection. Lance prepared for any reaction out of Arthur, Lance had done what he can to fix a wound that wasn't even there yet.

=/=/=

No one was eating the take out Arthur ordered, they all just stared at the Chinese containers with unhidden disgust. One container in particular, the pork dumplings, Merlin's order. Arthur didn't know why he ordered it... it was just a reflex.

"So just to be clear it's Freya, Elyan, Percy, Leon, you, then me?!" Gwaine said outraged to a frustrated Arthur.

"Yes Gwaine." Elyan said his head flung back onto the couch, eyes closed, sounding exasperated.

"Why?" Gwaine demanded again, for what seemed like the millionth time.

"Freya first because she saw him and she needs it more than we do, "Arthur rolled his eyes at internally, No way Freya could need Merlin like he did. He need Merlin like he needed the sun, but he could wait but she, she saw him bleeding out every time she closed her eyes, she needed to know he was alive. "Me second because he needs to know that even though Gwen did this and I love my sister I know she fucked up and I am here for him. Percy and Leon because you're an asshole and go demoted to last. Arthur afterwards because there is no way in hell we are going to wait the 2 hours Arthur's going to get. So seriously fuck off Gwaine." Elyan said with all the anger that he had been hunting at all week in full throttle.

"What no Elyan we agreed I was going second to last." Arthur protested. All ready adamant and ready to threaten phone time. There was no way Arthur was going to go a minute more than he had to without Merlin.

"Well I figured it would get Gwaine to stop being such and asshole and you could get both hours seamlessly without having to wait." Arthur paced, he knew this was probably a good idea, that it would take away Gwaine's reason to be angry and it would take away the break but..... he missed Merlin and the idea of... it hurt.

"Fine." Arthur said tightly, he could concede but only for the sake of his own mental sanity, he was this close to ending Gwaine. Too close.

-/-/-

"Merlin Emrys, you have call time." An orderly called out, Merlin nearly fell out of his seat trying to follow, he sent a cautious smile to Lance, and Lance bless his heart, attempted a encouraging smile but really it just looked like a grimace. Merlin let himself be lead by the orderly to the hall of phones, he sat at the one she pointed to and took a deep breath. Then he picked up the ringing phone.

=/=/=

"You should call now." Leon suggested. It was 11:50 and everyone looked apprehensive.

"No I'm going to go to the park and call at 11:59." Freya said steadfast, already putting on her coat and grabbing her phone. A noise of protest left the group but quickly died down. This was private, and everyone would have their time with Merlin. No one liked the others seeing how torn up about his they really were. How weak they were. Events like these either brought people together or ripped them apart. They either all put aside their differences and focused on the one sick person or they let it tear into them, let it poison their friendships, ruin their partnerships and cause more bitterness then a lemon orchard. Gwaine seemed to have a particular taste in lemons. Although Gwaine did have his reasons, he had more love for Merlin then he knew what to do with. When Merlin came into his life, a life filled with posturing and egos, and he bloody complemented Gwaine all flustered and sincere, and maybe just a little bit awed Gwaine just fell. Face first into a platonic love for the ages, he could just think of Merlin and feel happy. All this love, it was so intense, so different from what he had felt before. He mistook it for romantic love, and he pursued Merlin like there was nothing else left. It ended up with Gwaine pushing Merlin into a wall and making out with him, trying to stop feeling like he was kissing his brother, when Merlin broke down crying. All I just lost my life long partner and now I'm in love with a straight man sadness. Gwaine held him that night, and still sometimes would hold Merlin. He promised himself he would never let Merlin be that sad again. Never let the sadness capture him. Gwaine figured out pretty quickly that Arthur was the 'straight' man and just as quickly decided to try and find someone else as soon as possible. Arthur was besotted with some actress who turned out to be Gwen, even if Arthur was a very, very, very in the closet bisexual, as proven by the few sexual interactions Gwaine's had with him, and the later denial of all the happenings. Arthur would still probably reject Merlin, and/or keep him as a side fuck. Gwaine didn't know Arthur very well but he seemed the type. Oh how wrong he was.

-/-/-  
-M€+£!N-

"Hello..." Merlin said timidly, sneaking slightly fearful glances at the orderly. She just shrugged as if to say, you tried to kill yourself, now you've got to face the music.

"Merlin?" Merlin breathed out, he wasn't expecting Freya. Her voice was so small, so quiet. They sat in silence for a minute, Freya on a park bench, Merlin in a hospital, just listening to each other breath. Freya was already as crying silently as she could.

"Did you like the flowers?" Merlin said the words rushing out all gawky and large. Like the wrong keys for the right lock. They tried to fill in the space to make it less big but they only emphasized the vastness. Now it was Freya's turn to breath out as she wiped the still flowing tears off her face.

"What?" she said startled a like bewildered laugh letting loose. Merlin chuckled a little crazily as well. The orderly looked suspiciously at Merlin's watery eyes, trying to gauge if she should take the phone away. Merlin gave her what he could of a smile. She eased up but still didn't look convinced.

"What I said when I found out you called the Ambulance, it was awful. I'm so sorry. I should have never had said those things, it's not your fault you found me... I sent you a bouquet of snapdragons and Alstroemerias. Did you not get them, I had them delivered to your apartment? I didn't think my bank account-" Merlin said words all jumbled, he hoped, he really hoped she didn't go around for the last two weeks thinking what he had said was true. Merlin felt a large wave of self hatred.

-F+€¥@-

Freya felt so much relief she didn't know whether to cry or laugh. She gripped the metal of the park bench railing with conviction, emotions demanding one of the responses. In the end she did a little bit of both. It was just so Merlin for her to send her flowers when he was the one in the hospital. And specific flowers too, not basic Lilly's or roses, god damn snapdragons and what ever the hell an Alstroemeria is. It felt do weird to here him, his voice made her feel like he was near somehow. And in away he was, she could feel his presence through the phone, she could feel his warmth. She had spent the last two weeks with the words "I hope you can love me up there, I really want to feel love once, even if I'm dead." engrained her head with the image of Merlin all gawky legged in the the bathtub, looking so small get so big in tailored pajamas no doubt from Gwaine, wrist red like roses and a sad smile on his face. It was such a mockery of everything Merlin had ever meant to her, he had been this quirky loved idiot who smiled at dumb things, had tailored pajamas, and said oddly poetic things at oddly the right time, the whole situation was so Merlin, but not really Merlin was life and this...this was as lifeless as possible.

"I have been staying at Arthur's, I'll go get them today and I'll see if I can spruce them up, even if they're a little wilted." Freya said already texting Arthur letting him know she would have to stop by her apartment afterwards. Their was an intake of breath on the other end of the line and Freya was immediately on guard. She was right too, Merlin was sitting in the phone hall, his hand clenched on the telephone. Were they already forgetting about him, Merlin had always thought that that the group dynamic would be better without him. He was all common peasant, a mere servant in the presence of royals, but still to think that they moved on in just two weeks it was unbearable. Arthur rarely let anyone sleep at his house, other than his partners as Merlin had regretfully seen every one of Arthurs morning afters off, Merlin had only slept there once and that was because he passed out. It didn't hurt in new place, Merlin had aways known he was the kink in their social circle, without him Arthur let Freya stay at his place for 2 weeks. That was monumental, and like being tortured for hours then being forced to work.

"Did you call Esperanza's Cleaning Service, she is the best? She got herself out of the slums and built an empire, I really admire her for that. I know Arthur prefers the building cleaning staff, but they really don't get the job done right." Freya got more and more confused with each word out of Merlins mouth, cleaning service? Esperanza? What was Merlin talking about.

-M€+£!N-

Merlin sat rigid in his chair. He was terrified that if he even allowed himself even a bit of leeway he would break down. It hurt to think about, all those parties that Arthur has to celebrate the new year, Freya had been invited to all of them, and had stayed over after each one! Merlin had only once been kind invited to one of Arthur's parties. It was a total surprise, he was just going to leave a file for Arthur on his counter when he saw the glam, the girls and a more than slightly drunk Arthur pulling him in to join the madness. Merlin remembered how he didn't fit in, how his friends didn't want to b seen with him, how his presence was a buzz kill. No one wanted to talk about the rates of domestic abuse when there was a gogo dancer, no one cared to here the lowly PA's Opinion on politics. Merlin ended up retreating to an abandoned guest room to stew only to be kicked out a few minutes later by a couple. Even if Merlin was more real, less broken, even if Will was here, he still wouldn't fit in. He would be a hell of a lot happier but they wouldn't fit in. What hurt the most was that Merlin didn't get invited anymore after that, he knew every time there was a party because he had to take care of the cleaning but he never got invited again. Merlin had wanted to beg Arthur for a second chance, wanted to tell him that he had enough connections some wouldn't be embarrassing, that he would be the life of the party, but he refrained. It hurt being left out, all your friends off and you alone. Merlin spent those nights with either working or talking with a multitude of people, building connections, hoping one day he'd be important enough to attend. Merlin had so many connections after those nights, he was considered a connection but he still didn't get invited to the parties, then he realized it wasn't power that made it so he didn't get invited again, it was just who he was. Merlin the buzz kill, Merlin the party pooper.

"Merlin what the hell are you talking about?" Freya asked, confusion clear in her voice. Oh how that made Merlin ache, of course Freya wouldn't trouble herself with things such as the cleaning company Arthur hired. Only a PA would concern themselves, not a friend.

"Oh sorry, It was silly of me to think you would know what cleaning company Arthur used after the parties. Ah." Merlin said apologetically, wincing at how his voice cracked at the word parties.

"What parties Merlin what the hell do you think is going on?" Freya was still completely confused. What parties? Why would Arthur have any parties? Was Merlin daft?

-F+€¥@-

"Arthur always has 6 to 7 parties after the new year, one for business partners without wives, one for ones with, another for ones with families, a close friend party, a uni mates party, a family friend party-" Merlin said listing all the different types of parties Arthur threw.

"Merlin, Arthur hasn't been out throwing any parties after you tried to off yourself!" Freya shouted getting some unkind looks from the mothers. She didn't care ow could Merlin think they could just go on with their daily business after what happened? More so how could Merlin think any of them could party while he was... What had they done that had suggested that as an actual option to Merlin.

"Then why did you sleep at his place?" Freya's mind goggled. Merlin hadn't jut thought she were partying, he thought she was partying hard, to the point where she sleep at Arthur's. That would never be right, Freya couldn't fathom touching alcohol if someone she had talked to once died much less committed suicide. How did Merlin think of himself of less than a person to her.

"Because we all needed someone, after what happened Merlin. We all couldn't be alone after hearing you tried to commit suicide." Freya started to cry "We were all so stunned, so hurt, Merlin we needed someone. One of Our best friends tried to off himself. Did you really think different?" while Merlin is trying to ld in his tears, knuckles white around the phone, Freya is letting them flow, holding the phone loosely.

"We?" Merlins voice was so doubtfully hopeful. It was so so sad to Freya, that he really didn't have a clue how much he mattered to them.

"Elyan, Leon, Percy, Gwaine, Me, and obviously Arthur since its his flat."

"Really?"

"Yeah Merln, really."

-€£¥@N-

"Hello?" Elyan breathed in deeply, Merlin's voice was rough as if he had been crying. How had his little sister done... this. Elyan was the master of screwing up, he had built his fortune on it. All of his world traveling, avoiding home, taking photos, the photos sold, and so did his travel blog. Elyan had run away right when things were the hardest for his family, his mother just died, they were in debt and suddenly Elyan couldn't breath. So he left, he left it all on Gwen, it took him years to earn her back, but he never screwed up this bad. He never pushed someone to suicide because of jealously. That was a whole different league of screwing up. Especially Merlin, Merlin was so loved by everyone she loved, how could she be so stupid.

"Hi, its Elyan." There was a pause and then an a silence, no not a silence a void. A silence was something, this was nothing, this wasn't even breathing. This was the sound of someone who didn't want to be breath. Merlin shuttered, he closed his eyes waited for the yelling, or the disappointment, or the anger laced pain to be thrown at him. For Elyan to defend Gwen and throw him away. He hadn't prepared for the but he knew it was bound to come. Blaming the patient is always easier the disease.

"Merlin are you there?" Elyan asked, unsure. There was a sniffle on the other side of the phone. Elyan took that as a yes "I know you might not want to here from me, but I thought you should know that I'm on your side. Whatever you need I'm here for you. I can't defend what Gwen did, it was mess up and so is she and that's mainly do to me. I'm sorry about that I truly am, I wouldn't have left she would have been different,better probably. I'm so sorry, oh gosh I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back." Elyan sated to cry in earnest.

"I don't." Merlin said his voice quiet. Elyan heard him perking up.

"What?"

"Well you wouldn't be you then. I'd die a thousand deaths so the world could enjoy you."

-M€+£!N-

"Hey Merlin, its me; Percy." Merlin let a faint smiled out. He missed Percy, he was always so quiet, so calm. Merlin needed that after the last 2 calls. It was so hard pretending, he had gotten used to letting it all hang out, or soaking it in ink and writing it out. It showed in every aspect of him, to pretend after not having too. It was like asking someone to leave the place they feel most at home for a dessert. With Percy he didn't have to pretend as much. Percy wouldn't break like the others, he wouldn't blame himself, he would do what he had always done, sit listen and comfort. He never let anything touch him, it was from being a professional athlete, he could score 2 with cramps and continue going. Merlin fumbled with the telephone cord and glanced at the orderly, she looked just as bored as she had for the last two calls. Which is to say really bored. She was a sports fan, particularly a fan of Percy's team, she had little earrings with their mascot on them.

"Hey P." Percy tensed, that was their word when he was incognito, and Merlin saw a fan.

"Merlin I'm alone in my flat, their are no fans lurking about." Percy said looking down at his hands. Merlin looked again at the orderly who seemed to be counting the ceiling tiles now and then at the phone.

"Yes but I'm not." Merlin said a little bit of bitterness in his tone. There was the sound of a chair falling on the other line.

"Oh."

"Yeah." Merlin inhaled, suddenly all the tension left his body, he felt so tired and this was Percy.

"You could have come to me, you know?" Merlin sighed, as he pressed his head to the cool metal of the table.

"P it isn't like that, I didn't... it's not like someone just flicked a switch and decided I would be suicidal. It doesn't happen like that." it happens slower. You get sad, and sadder yet. Then your numb, and number yet. Then the idea of suicide comes up, you say you wold never do it yourself but you understand why someone would. Then the first glimmer of a thought comes to mind and you think it would be easier if you weren't here. Then that thought gets loud and louder yet. Suddenly you don't care about anything, and the thought crosses your mind again. Sometimes you don't even think about it. You just do it. Other times when there are people in your life, you do it differently. You plan, you try to minimize the damage, or in some cases maximize it. You plan and then you die.

"Yeah, but there had to be a time when you realized you were bad." Percy's voice was insistent. He needed this, he needed a time, a moment. He wanted to be able to recognize it. Percy never had anything like this happen before. He didn't know how to react what to say, they never teach that in school. What to say when your friend try's to off themselves. There is no self help book for that. Percy poor Percy doesn't want to not see it again, he can't deal with another person trying to leave him.

"There is this time, when you know you wouldn't care if you died, that you know you're probably going to commit suicide. That's all I can think of." Merlin sad apologetically.

"Why didn't you go to me?" Percy's voice was soft, sad. He wanted to help so terribly badly. To know how to be the one who could help.

"By that point I didn't care. I felt, well the best was to describe it,as is a morgue. Cold, clean, useful, the place were dead things go, the place no one wants to go. It's a strange feeling, being detached from yourself. Like you feel emotion abstractly, you're so numb that everything seems dull. When you're not numb you're hurting, you're hurting so badly. It's the worst feeling P. It's so humiliating, because when you do care you care to much, but oh too often don't."

-£€0N-

"Hey Merls, how are you holding up?" Leon said trying as hard as he could to keep his tone light. Merlin was already depressed, there was no way he was going to let any more negative energy get Merlin. He had never believed in that weird voodoo energy stuff, always called it crap, but he wasn't going to take that chance with Merlin. He'd never take that chance with Merlin, call him stupid or paranoid but I'd there was even a chance it would help him, then he was doing it.

"I'm ok. My wrists are healing pretty nicely, the doctors are worried that I'll undone the stitching. They have my wrists checked every day." Leon blinked, remembering. He had never thought of the actually physical harm Merlin had done to himself, just what it meant. It would have been worse if Merlin had ODed, it would have meant constant reminders when ever he ate. It would be a somewhat physically painful reminder, the scars they would just be there. Maybe they would itch once and a while. They would fade though, and that was enough for Leon. That he would one day see Merlin's arms and not want to hold him. Or at least he hoped he would be able to, he honestly couldn't tell you.

"Oh?" Leon's voice cracked "But could you still get access to the cuts?"

"Leon you don't have to worry about me hurting my wrist again," Merlin said, "That would ruin my future tattoo plans." Leon let out a sigh. He had spent the last two weeks wondering if Merlin would try to hurt himself in the hospital. He kept on imagining, Getting the call that Merlin had somehow found a way to death. Death is ugly, so ugly, to see it is to be braver than Leon thinks he is. To follow death, to take it in hand, is a strength seen only in two types of soldiers. The ones with nothing to lose and the ones with everything. Those who die because there is nothing, and those to would die to save their everything.

"What do you plan on getting tattooed on your wrists then?" Leon asked.

"A bouquet of flowers for Will, and a sword for me." Leon paused at Wills name. He had heard the name before, it was the bloke that was Merlin's emergency contact. The one who died.

"Tell me about Will." Leon asked, with a hint of apprehension in his voice. The crash was ugly, Will was identified by his dental records his body was so torn up. This Man was important to Merlin, if his emergency contact was him, and he still hadn't changed it after he died.

"Will was my partner of 5 years before the accident." Leon was baffled he never knew Merlin had a partner, or that he was gay, he had just assumed Merlin... He never thought about Merlin's relationships outside of his friendship group "Will was rash, angry, very politically opinionated and would be considered a self righteous asshole. But to me he was perfect, he was so sweet, he talked to me like I mattered. He would hold me and write me terribly written love notes. Stupid things like 'You're aces at everything.' or 'God I love you' once he said" Merlin let out a wet chuckle "'Your hair is so black it's just really black, your eyes though, are well, fuck me, blue. Your so beautiful, your beautiful. He wanted to be a florist, he was majoring in botany, and design. Loved flower meanings, sent me tulips instead roses. You all would hate him, and rightfully so, he would be brash and say awful things about your money. I would be embarrassed but he would make it up to me. He was planning on proposing to me apparently. He bought a ring and everything. His parents tried to give it to me. Said he would want me to have it. I could never take it, I sent it back so many times before they got the message." Leon swallowed not expecting that answer, not expecting the pain that Merlin hide just too well. Merlin wiped his eyes and tried to make sure that the orderly didn't see.

"Why didn't you keep the ring?" Leon's words were thick like a clogged pipe.

"I didn't want to have to put it in my will, it would torture me to have that in my will, seeing as Will gave it to me. I wouldn't have been able to do it."

-M€+£!N-

"Hey Merlin." Gwaine's voice came across angry. Merlin was confused, why would Gwaine be angry.

"Hi Gwaine." There was a tense silence. Before Gwaine let out an angry huff.

"Couldn't you have just felt more happy or at least not try and kill yourself anytime something tough happens! For fucks sake Merlin, everyone has shit and you don't see everyone killing themselves." After that Merlin had it with Gwaine.

"You don't think I have tried! You don't think I have spent countless hours just trying to be happy, thinking if I smiled I'd be happy! You don't think I have tried everything, god damn it Gwaine! Depression is a fucking cancer, a fucking disease. Every day I see something that I could use to kill myself. A pen, a knife, a car, god damn everything! I look at and I think 'There is a way out' and I consider it. Every time I see sleeping pills I hold the bottle with shaking hands and have to force myself to put it down and move on. Every fucking minute of every fucking day, I can't... dealing with that is hard enough... I can't.... I'm constantly looking for an excuse to kill myself, constantly looking for ways. I have be in a god damn war for a fucking long time, I am so tired of the fighting. I just do it because that is what I'm supposed to do. I had shit dumped on me and I committed suicide, sure? But I was already 75% there. So fuck you Gwaine and your fucking ignorance." Merlin was barely holding back tears, he looked away from the orderly and sat straighter hoping that would stop him from crying.

  


(A/N This Fantastic piece of fanart was done by [This Amazing Person ](http://www.ellery3173.tumblr.com)and [This](http://ellery3173.tumblr.com/post/106783253428/a-means-to-an-end-first-personal-artwork-i-made) is the original post)

  
"I'm going to hang up now. When you call back you better not be an asshole." Merlin hung up the phone with a slam. In less than a minute The phone started ringing again.

"Merlin, I love you. I'm sorry, I just, I didn't understand. "

-@+T}{UR-

Arthur was alone in his flat. Everyone else had buggered off, Freya to the park, Percy and Leon to their own flats, Gwaine to god knows where. Arthur was alone, and he felt a loneliness he hadn't felt in years. It felt as if he had no one in the world who cared about him. This was a common feeling when Arthur was young, like it was common that boys liked girls, he lost that feeling when he went to college. He hadn't felt it at all since he hired Merlin, not even a second. With Gwen and Merlin gone and no one around Arthur felt the first bitter tang of the loneliness in the back of his throat. Gwaine's time was technically up, he should be racing towards the phone, trying to get to Merlin. He instead felt dread curl in the back of his stomach as he reached for the phone. What if Gwaine was right? What if he had pushed Merlin towards this. Arthur didn't know what he would do. So he pushed each number with a heavy heart.

"Hello?" Arthur choked up. That was Merlins voice. That was Merlin! And the loneliness seemed to fade a little bit. That was Merlin! He still existed, there was still someone for Arthur to love. For all his worrying about Merlin he was most worried that Merlin would be changed somehow. Hearing his voice it was a conformation that Merlin didn't completely change.

"Merlin." Was the only choked up response Arthur could give. Merlin started to cry in earnest when he heard Arthur's voice. Trying desperately to hide it from the orderly.

"Arthur."

-M€+£!N-

 

It took a few minutes before both of them where coherent. Those few minutes were strange for Merlin, he had heard Arthur cry before. All times had been when he was drunk after meeting with his father. Arthur had not meet with his father today, it wasn't on the calendar. Merlin was shocked that he incited such a response out of Arthur, he never before seemed to care this strongly before. Merlin had accepted his place as Arthur's former assistant, as someone he had rare thought of. someone he would forget about. For him to cry, it was a complete disconnect from what Merlin thought about the people who cared about him. The idea of him eliciting a response of this magnitude, it stunned him. Why would anyone care for him, he never had? Merlin took it as a lack of sleep and a loss of judgement.

 

"So who did you hire?" Merlin asked, hating himself as soon as the words were put into existence. He was such as Masochist, he always asked for the bad news, he asked around the question he really wanted answered. 'You have had a lot of relationships with Women?', 'How Far would you drive to see me?', 'How much could you add to my food account before it started to strain us financially?' etc. He always set himself up to fail, he always knew he was going to be hurt, but he did anyways. He made himself hurt in unspeakable ways. His question was now in existence and he could not bring it back. So he did what he learned to do, he waited for the hurt.

"No one, the job is yours Merlin. Whether you're here or not." Arthur's voice was a bit disbelieving "You bring a lightness to the place, you fit it better than anyone else. I could never find anyone better than you. I won't try." By the end Arthur's voice held a conviction that Merlin had not heard before. A decision Arthur mad or steel and embedded into his body. Merlin was confused, he never fit in, he was the weird guy. The guy that was annoying, the guy that people thought of as the one they didn't want to interact with. Just like Dr. Le Fay they didn't care if he was in the world, just their plan of existence. How Arthur interpreted that as bringing a lightness to the place, and fitting in, Merlin had no idea.

 

"How did you pull that off. You did people to pick out your clothes." Merlin teased. Remembering how flustered Arthur was when Merlin found out he had stylist tell him what not to wear with what, and he had a binder with instructions. How Arthur flushed this rosy pink and Merlin lost the air he was breathing. Merlin has never stopped teasing Arthur about that, he couldn't help but tease when he face turned all cute like that. It brought Merlin so much joy, to see him like that, to be able to love him fully in that moment. It was love without the pain. Then came the after taste, the realization that he would never get that, and then the realization that he didn't have the right to do that. Sometimes he thought the love was worth it, that bliss, but most of the times he didn't.

Arthur let out a light laugh, Merlin savored it "I have some sense of style Merlin, unlike you with your constant stream of sweater and scarves." Merlin let out an indigent squawk. He new that Arthur was teasing, but he still wondered what he looked like in the eyes of a man like Arthur. All bones, all pale skin, dressed in pauper's clothing. Gwaine always assured him he looked great, but Gwaine was also trying to woo him. So he couldn't be trusted. He felt like a fraud at a lot of the events, he was so common among all these treasures. It was odd Arthur even paid attention to his attire.

"I'll have you know Gwaine said my sense of style is amazing!"

 

-@+T}{UR-

 

The bantering continued as if Merlin had never been gone, and Arthur needed that. He needed Merlin's normal, he needed to feel as if he still knew Merlin. Arthur had known Merlin for many years, and in those years Merlin had suffered from Depression and anxiety. He knew the Merlin who was mentally ill. Still the idea that all of the sudden he just got ill and completely changed was Arthur couldn't force out of his head. When he called he half feared it would be a different person answering. It was still Merlin and for that Arthur was more than thankful. He just also needed to be serious with Merlin, he needed to be frank with him. Not because he had issues with the idea of Merlin ignoring what he did. He wouldn't have minded if he didn't need to tell Merlin.

"I broke up with Gwen." The words were small, but significant. On the other end of the line, there was a pause. It seemed like there was a void between Merlin and him. Like the connection they had always had was broken by the acknowledgement of what Gwen did. A sense of bitterness overcame Arthur, was it always going to be like this, did she ruin the one thing he held most dear.

 

"Why would you do that?" Merlin asked voice betrayed. He had spent years berating himself, saying that Arthur and Gwen would never break it off. They were the one couple Merlin was sure could survive. He had been so sure. Arthur for his part felt utterly crushed, Merlin thought he could just stay with Gwen after what she did? Did he really think that lowly of him. Had Gwen been the cause for this? Did what she say make him believe this? It felt like he was being stabbed in all over with needles, like he was being woken up to see his house was on fire. All utterly terrified, and sad.

 

"Merlin she hurt you." Arthur's voice unbearably small. Gone was his brashness, in this matter he was unfailingly delicate.

 

"But, You love her." Arthurs heart was crushed, the pain of almost losing Merlin it didn't compare to this. To be told by Merlin that he thought he loved Gwen over him. That he thought he would choose Gwen over Merlin.

"But I love you more." Merlin started to weep in earnest. Why? Why now? He must be lying, he must be.

"No you don't, You love Gwen more."

"No I really don't"


	4. Visiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur, Gwaine, Freya and Lance visit Merlin. I own nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think! I added some fluff and tried to make Gwen into a more sympathetic character. PLS KUDO and COMMENT. seeing COMMENTS make my day, like honestly I get so happy and then I right more. KUDOS do something similar.

"You get to see him this weekend. Visiting hours are from 6 am to 6 pm. You are going to have a cavity search. Bring a valid ID. Only 4 people on the first visit. You can bring him certain things. Ask him during your phone call." Morgana paused "And Arthur don't bring her. Maybe next visit; while she and Merlin worked it out he still hurts. Don't bring anyone who could upset him. He's doing better, he might be able to leave under someone's care in a week if he doesn't have another incident. Don't let him have another incident."

Arthur let out a breath "How is he, really? He'd never actually tell anyone if he was..." he trailed off.

"He's better, he's stopped talking about his death like it was soon. The calls they... He seems like he is starting to get a grip. He still is pretty bad, he doesn't eat enough, he doesn't socialize enough, the color hasn't returned to his cheeks. But... The calls, especially Mrs. Emrys and Yours... He looks the most alive then. The last few weeks, as soon as the calls started, he's getting better." Morgana said trying to stress how bad Merlin really was, but Arthur was always a soppy optimist.

"That's great! It means that I'll get my Merlin back." Oh how Arthur was relieved, It had been a month and a half since Merlin got admitted. The calls they helped, so much, the time no longer dragged like they used too. Arthur clears an hour a day to talk to Merlin, and if he can more. Obviously he doesn't always get call time; since he convinced Merlin to talk his mother, she also got an hour. Which with the others meant he didn't get talk to him sometimes. He hated those days, he spent them cleaning up his condo, trying to shuffle up the chaos. Everyone had left a mess, they had all dispersed except for Freya, who he was starting to think was his new roommate. Not that he minded he was always so lonely. The ghost of laughter still bouncing from the walls; warm kisses of days past leaving a chill where the memory once was. Oh how he missed Merlin, Merlin always filled up the space left empty in him. There was always so much Merlin there. It never felt as if he was ever lacking. Arthur was always lacking.

"He's not the same Arthur." Morgana cautioned.

"I know." but I am Arthur thought silently.

[-]-[-]

Seeing Elyan brought back so many memories. She had forgotten who she was: just a tired, poor, nobody, who's got a drunk dad and half a family that ran. She was finally not that. She was so much more she was strong and happy. Then Elyan: who was angry on the behalf of a Father he abandoned, who had the audacity to claim Gwen was hurting their father, to tell her she was a fake. She had called Arthur after Elyan yelled; he was the only one who could understand. He had said he had a client, but she heard Merlin laugh in the back round. She knew that meant it was one of their friends, someone who could be ignored. She had sat in her and Arthur's new flat. How her sobs ricocheted off the walls. How the walls that were once so warm were now cold, so cold. She left the penthouse. She wanted to find someplace that felt like home to cry. In her studio apartment she buried herself in pillows and cried like no tomorrow. Merlin's laugh at the word client hurting almost as Elyans poisoned words.

-/-/-

Merlin was Lonely. Lance had left yesterday. Of course he promised to visit but why would anyone want to come back here. Sure he had letters to Will to write, but he felt bereft without Lances warmth. Merlin sighed and sat down. His feeling uncomfortable wasn't going to bring Lance back. He had to move on, accept his pain, but not revel in it. He had to live. So se started writing.

Dear Will,  
I have learned to accept your death....

-/-/-

"I got a call from a man Lance Du Lac who wished to visit? Is that ok, he isn't on your list?" Dr. Le Fay asked. Merlin felt something akin to relief, Lance didn't forget about him. Merlin had been forgotten so much that it was so surprising for him to be remembered. Will always got so mad when people would forget he was there. He used to make a half assed joke about the benefits of being forgotten in gym class. How the bitterness of how insignificant he felt in his mouth, how Will would make sure touch him casually after that. To touch his shoulder, to stroke his cheek, grab his sides, anything to remind him that he was still there. He still existed.

"Yeah that would be great." Merlin said with a hint of melancholy.

"I took the liberty to tell Arthur not to bring your mother during the visit. Is their anyone you want to come in particular." Merlin just blinked tiredly. He knew he wouldn't have been able to handle his mother now, but.... He didn't know.

"Arthur, Freya and..." Merlin thought about who else. He wasn't that close with Leon or Elyan, and seeing Percy would probably make the orderlies faint. "Gwaine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"I'll call Arthur again then."

[-]-[-]

When Gwen meet all of Arthur's friends she was terrified. Gwaine a fashion mongrel, Freya was a model, Percy a footsie star, Leon, well being Leon, it was really impressive. The only ones she wasn't terrified of were Elyan and Merlin. And both she knew too well to be scary. Sure she was a famous actress but these people were even bigger than her. They had been in both the spotlight and Arthur's life much longer that she. When she did finally meet them, she pretended not to hear Gwaines' derogatory comment and not care that Freya rejected her handshake. She tired not to see how Percy ignored their conversation as he scanned the room, or how Leon seemed like he was just waiting for her to finish before he could leave. She pretended like she fit in, the fake it till you make it had worked for her thus far. She looked for Merlin, for someone who would feel just as uncomfortable at these parties as she was. And she found him, surrounded by Arthur and his friends. Gwaines' easy smile, Freya hanging off of him like he was a teddy bear, Percys huge hand gripping Merlin's free shoulder, Leon's head flung back in laughter, Arthur giving Merlin a look so tender it hurt her to look, and Merlin beaming. And that, that she wouldn't pretend not to see.

=/=/=

"So I just got off the phone with Merlins doctor-"

"Your sister." Gwaine interrupted.

"Step sister. But that's beyond the point, the point is that only Freya, you and I can go. Someone else has the fourth spot." Arthur finished grinding his teeth.

"Who?" Gwaine said with malicious in his voice, he knew Percy was really looking forward to seeing Merlin.

"I don't know!" Arthur bit back. That hurt him too, that he didn't know who this mystery person. That Merlin would ask for this person, instead of someone he knew. That Merlin had others, because Merlin didn't have to call Arthur his, but Arthur was sure as hell calling Merlin his.

"Come Arthur! You get a fucking hour a day! Shouldn't you know these things!" Gwaine yelled, throwing his hands in the air with exasperation, Arthur's hands tightened on the phone "With all that godamn time, you would have thoug-"

"Merlin and I are not one and the same, I do not know everything, Gwaine!" Arthur throw the phone at the wall hard "So stop assuming I do... I want answers as much as you do but it doesn't work like that."

-/-/-

"What are you planning to do with all... that, when your done?"An orderly asked gesturing at the stacks of letters Merlin had accumulated. Merlin paused. Who the hell would publish his letters? How would he do this? The walls started to crumble around Merlin. What would he title it? What name would it be written under? Should he change their names? Merlin paused, he would figure out when he was done, or maybe before that, but all that matters now is Will. He could sort through that for Will. Everything was for Will.

[-]-[-]

"Hey Arthur, let's go out tonight." Gwen said. She had tried to make it sound as casual as possible. She had worn pedestrian clothes and was trying her hardest to look like she was just reading a magazine. The truth was she had been there for an hour rehearsing this moment, it had been 2 weeks since they had gone out, and nearly a month since they had sex. And Gwen was so lonely, every night Arthur would come home at some later time and she would be left alone.

She had confronted him about it, had told him she was done with sitting alone at home. Arthur didn't even seem to care, he told her to go out then, as if it was just that easy to leave. After that the conclusion was that it was easy, for him. Gwen kept on feeling out of the loop as if she was the interloper in whatever relationship Arthur was in that took up all of his time. At first she thought it was work, and that she could understand, when she had important jobs she throw herself into it, work was something she could learn how to be an interloper in. Then she realized Arthur left work and got dinner with Merlin, when he wanted to watch a movie he called Melin, when Arthur wanted a companion Merlin was his choice.

She remember arguing with Arthur about it, how she had told him that he shouldn't force Merlin to spend time with him, and that Merlin wasn't being paid for this. She remembered Arthur's devastated face when he realized that to Merlin he was an employer before a friend. The drama that pursued was unlike any she had ever seen. Arthur was pining hard, wouldn't take comfort from her, wouldn't be friendly to Merlin, and Merlin was following Arthur around like a little lost puppy who had been kicked to many times, he was also pining hard. Then it hit her, she was an interloper in a relationship in which both partners were willing, she was Arthur's thing on the side, and Merlin was his true partner. She remember how angry she was, how could he do this to her! She loved him! Then Merlin left, his one week of vacation a year had finally come. She had heard the warnings from everyone about this particular week. How Arthur would turn to talk to Merlin and realized he wasn't there, how he would get angry and torture himself by not calling Merlin. How he would sit and stare at nothing for minutes at a time, and finally how one day before Merlin came back he would be as happy as can be. Gwen had though she was prepared for it, thought she could deal with this Arthur. She couldn't, Arthur seemed to skip the anger part completely and go straight to the depression, she couldn't get him to smile, and that hurt; especially since Freya could. When the last day came she found herself excited for a apply Arthur but was meet with the same sad Arthur. The worse thing was when Merlin came home and Arthur got worse. Then somehow Merlin fixed him, he had burst through the doors and demanded to see him. She had been cooking and had dropped her salad bowl when he charged in. Merlin opened Arthur's- ahm their bedroom door and promptly started giving Arthur hell.

Then Arthur said "You can't talk to your boss like that!" and the shouting stopped. Merlin whole body seemed frozen "I thought I was your..." his voice was rough as if he was trying not to cry "I'll go then Mr. Pendragon, I'm sorry to come into your home. The Cenred file will be on your desk tomorrow morning. Goodnight Sir." Arthur seemed at a loss for words, looking like he was bereft in his own house. Gwen was frozen, gripping her Salad bowl as Merlin approached, trying not to look at how her was on the verge of tears.

"Goodnight Mrs. Smith. I'm sorry about your salad, I could pay for a replacement from the place down the- from the restaurant Green Palace, since I startle you and made you loose yours." Merlin offered gesturing to the sad pieces of lettuce on the ground. Gwen ached at that, because she had caused Merlin this awful feeling, she had done this, and yet he was still trying to pay for a new salad, a salad that would be for a millionaire and a billionaire who could easily buy their own. Arthur was heartbroken.

It had been a week since the big fight and Arthur still had not spent much time with Gwen. So she tried to get him take her out. Had literally told him that they were going out that night. Her pose as casual, reading a magazine as if the drama hadn't happened.

"Gwen. What if he quits?" Arthur said sinking down into the couch voice defeated "I couldn't deal with it, any of it with out him."

"Then you get a new PA."

"Not just the business Gwen, being me Gwen without Merlin I doubt I could deal with any of it alone."

"I'd be there to help you."

"You wouldn't be enough." And Merlin was.

A week latter and one apology latter Merlin and Arthur are back together. And Gwen is yet again the secondary partner.

~/~/~

"You want to what?" Morgana asked. She's said it as if asked for her help teaching a fish to breath air. Merlin looked at her sharply, and shelled her hands up in a mock surrender "Ok ok, so you want to publish your letters to Will, why?"

Merlin paused "I want Will to... Will always wanted to make a mark on the world, but in a small way. He wanted to be known as the town florist, to be remembered fondly as the person who did that girls wedding bouquet. To be remembered that way, and I can give him that. I don't think many people will read my book, but those who do will be the mark that Will wanted to make. He will be remembered or at least recorded forever." Merlin fiddled with his hands, shoulders slumped. Will had painted him such a beautiful picture of their life together. They would finish studying and then Will would work at the shop and Merlin would work odd jobs till his writing career took up speed. It would be filled with Merlin getting flowers often even if they were the flowers that wouldn't sell, and Merlin fulfilling his dream. It would have been beautiful.

"Merlin, I researched Will, and he wrote an amazing book: The Victorian Flower Language a summary. It's brilliant, and his work is brilliant, he is seen as a incredible asset to that area. Even without you publishing your letters Will will be remembered."

"I know about the book. Gaius and Alice; Wills parents, told me they were going to publish when he died. They wanted to let me know that it was dedicated to me. That not the point, Will wanted people to remember him for what he was a politically active, painfully passive aggressive sweetheart, not just some guy who wrote a book. I know the book isn't going to sell well but the point is that the few people who do read it will know him by the end." Merlin tried desperately to stress how it was that Will got remembered for more than just his book. His book was never read by Merlin himself, he tried. The words were just too Will for him to be able to stand it really. He only could read one page before the tears started coming down and Merlin around with it. The only page he read was the dedicated to page. It said dedicated to forget-me-not. Merlin had just learned that forget-me-nots also meant true love. It fucking hurt.

"Ok, I understand what you mean. I can get you in contact with some publishing firms when your time here is done. If I were you I would start trying to organize the letters and come up with a pen name. Oh, also make sure you know how you want to organize it. I will do anything I can to help you get this published."

"Thank you."

=/=/=

He had 3 missed calls from Gwen, he stared hard at the phone. 3 voicemails he wouldn't listen too. Then a text notification popped up: Gwen - How is he? Is he stable? Are they putting him on meds? Elyan wont tell me and I dont have access. I wouldnt ask if I wasn't desperate. Pls Arthur. Arthur went to delete it with all the other of pleading messages begging forgiveness. Then he paused, it would be hell to not know if Merlin is ok, and not even she deserved that.

Arthur- he is ok. There is a chance he will be released soon. Im seeing him this weekend I will txt u updates

Gwen- I never meant to hurt him, I was so lonely and he always was you're primary partner- I never should have had gotten between that- and I lashed out at him. Im a bitch Im so sorry

Arthur paused at the text, his anger lessening only slightly.

Arthur- yeah you are a bitch

[-]-[-]

Gwen was away for 2 months, 2 fucking months. Arthur couldn't even... wouldn't even pick her up himself. She gave the cabbie a hundred dollar tip to keep him quiet about the fact that actress supreme Gwen Smith sobbed hysterically on the ride home from the airport after finishing filming Ashtree. She just wanted to be Gwen crying, to not have her sadness spread like jam for all to consume. The man gave her a toothy smile, and a tissue before she left the cab, and she gave him another hundred. Their apartment is empty when she comes home, she walks lifelessly to their bed and promptly passes out. She is awoken to the sound of giggling in the living room, so she creeps open the door and looks down at the very drunk Merlin and Arthur. Their bodies are so close, legs intertwined, a scene far more intimate than she's ever had. Merlin laughs throaty as Arthur's hand sneaks under his shirt and rubs his stomach.

"You're so fucking lanky Merlin" Merlin snorts and Arthur starts nestling his face into Merlin's neck "Like a fucking stick." And Arthur burst out in drunk giggles.

"Arthur how dar-" Merlin burped " you! I am no dildo!" and starts to fall off the couch to drunk Arthur's dismay.

"Come back" Arthur whined "I wanna cuddle." Merlin standing promptly fell on top of Arthur only to have Arthur wrap around him like an octopus.

"I never left you" Merlin yawns "clotpole." Arthur giggled.

"Everyone leaves but you. You never leave." Arthur says as he proceeds to burrow himself into Merlin's body.

"I could never leave you, Arthur, ever." Merlin yawns again a sleepy expression lingering on his face.

"Like I would let you." Arthur replied, his eyes closing as he drifted off.

Arthur was never this affectionate with her. Their was a gap in their bed from where he was to where was. That gap was never crossed. She had tried and he had told her he wasn't one for cuddling. She had a hard time believing that looking at this leech of a man latched onto Merlin. How he got drunk, even though he never did in her presence, how he swore which was a speech pattern he pretended to abhor, how he said he would never let Merlin leave him, and he let Gwen leave him. The man she saw cuddled up to Merlin was sweet and good and had all the traits Arthur did not. Well they do say the ones you love bring the best out of you. So she sat and for the second time that day cried. Only this time she got up and got her own tissues.

-/-/-

"Hey Lance!" Merlin said sunnily into the phone. It had been to long since he last talked to his friend. It felt so good when he was here, and now Merlin keenly felt the lack of his presence. Friends presence always felt like a warm breeze on a cold day to him. He always got so excited when he had plans with his friends in uni, he would dance around and get all happy because these really great people liked him, him, and wanted to spend time with him! They were all so nice and fun and cool, they were great and he basked in their light. It was very rare he ever felt unworthy. It was like a warm blanket to hot tea at hand, very pleasant but not very exotic yet some were still deprived of it.

Then his friends stopped being uni students and started being millionaires and famous in their professions and Merlin was just Merlin. He still basked in their presence but it wasn't the same, because that made Merlin commonplace, replaceable with an fan. Merlin knew that the reason people liked him was because they got pleasure from his attention. He noticed when no one asked about his day and wanted to know, how no one got him a gift that he asked for. His value was always in how he showered others with affection, and suddenly his friends already had that, and Merlin felt like he was one step from being left out. The truth of it is that you can't be friends with some one with being a fan of theirs. Whether its a fan of their sweetness or humor etc. you have to be interested in them and what that means. It is harder to do that when every one is a fan of that person it makes your devotion worth nothing. Merlin remembered how he had said the same thing a fan had said once to Gwaine "I love your new hair cut, very Italian." it hurt to see that his input was on the same levels as theirs. Your feelings are in the sea of thousands and it's hard to think what's special about your feelings for them. Obviously they like you more than their other fans but your friendship still less then theirs because they could find someone who cares about them just as much as you to do easily and you'd be left bereft without them. It hurts in a weary way, like weights on your ankles that get heavier and heavier every day. Merlin talked to Dr. Le Fay about it, and the only she offered was ask. As if Merlin could ask. Ask his friends if he was just the groupie they kept around to remind them they were famous and above human flaws. How stupid he would sound, all accusing and angry. He imagined their faces laughing mockingly, the resounding of course, did you actually think we cared about you. That scared the shit out of him.

"How is it in there?" Lance asked.

"Ok, I'm going to publish my letters." Merlin said pushing the words out as fast as he could. Lance was the only one who knew about the letters other than Morgana. He waited for a response breath held in.

"Wait really?" Lance asked laughing lightly.

"Yeah I know it may seem like a lot to do, and Dr. Le Fay is worried that I will crack under the pressure but I have to do this." Merlins voice softened in its conviction as he mentioned Morgana's admittedly perceptive prediction. He was all ready starting to get frustrated with how to organize the letters and the penname and fake names. It was all so overwhelming but Merlin swore if he could organize Arthur's life he could sure as fell organize a few letters or 340 letters.

"I don't think I told you this but that was my old job! I read and edited publications!"

"The same job that got you institutionalized?" Merlin asked all dry wit.

"Well yeah," Lance said noticeably less enthusiastic "I could still edit yours, since right now I'm still in my old job and they are starting me on one crap teenage angst book a month, when used to do 3 NY best sellers a week."

"How is it that I have been friends with so many really influential people for this long, and now is the first time I've taken advantage of it?" Merlin wondered.

"Merlin, this isn't... I a way I'm repaying you, I'm majorly fucked up. I have PTSD and horrible anxiety and around you it's less. Like I don't have to be so.... It really really nice Merlin. You wrote me out and you didn't look at me as less you just wrote me out and cherished the experience. It's not like I'm dependent on you but you make me feel better. It's not because you're fucked up either, well maybe a little I take solace that someone so great struggles like me and that I can help him. This is nothing compared to that." And Merlin understands that, Anxiety is the dread in your stomach and the panic in your gut and lessening it is amazing.

=/=/=

//Mr. Pendragon you have a meeting a six regarding the merger// Siri reminded him. Arthur hated these Siri alerts. Her voice was always on time, it always gave all the details, unlike Merlin but... there wasn't that smile in her voice, there was no bush against shoulder as he left or blues eyes sparkling with some emotion whether it be mirth or tiredness. It was just empty space and a box that talked.

Arthur visibly sagged, one more day till he would get to see Merlin, one more day.

[-]-[-]

  
"Merlin, you are not needed leave." Gwen said fury clear in her voice. How could Arthur do this on their anniversary, god damn it. Gwen didn't pause when she saw the devastation on Merlin's face. It had taken months for her to get so fed up that the sight of Merlin's tortured face would not make her stop. Gwen was not trying to hurt Merlin, she was not aiming to harm him, but god damn it if she was going to let him stand in the way of Arthur in her. She placed all the blame on Arthur, she tried time and time again to make him wish to spend time with her over Merlin, short of pretending to Merlin she had done it all. So now she ruled with a firmed hand, she would force him. Tell Merlin to leave and force him to love her.

-/-/-

"You talked in group today."

"I guess I did." Merlin said a half smile gracing his face. He had spent most of group therapy quiet, it was all they every did. He usually spent it smiling at Lancelot and making weird faces trying to get him to laugh. It was easier than telling a group about his problems. The idea of baring his soul to others was so scary. Merlin go the point it was freeing for those who had never been able to talk openly about their disease and pain. Merlin never hid ever shade of fucked up he was. If anyone saw or asked, he would tell them, he never volunteered information. People rarely noticed, he mainly told people when it was brought up in conversation. 'Did you hear Matt committed suicide?' 'Didn't he try to hang himself?' and he would as casually as he could say 'That's awful business, hanging, when I tried I took sleeping pills, they don't leave rug burns if you fail.' The. Their would be silence, and sometimes people would just move on awkwardly taking his lead and taking it in stride. Others would cry, most would say they never thought he could possible be...and they would trail off. Their were some who called him weak of mind, told him just to be happy, and rarer still some would insist he wasn't really depressed. Merlin took allow the reactions in stride, after years of telling he had gotten used to the reactions. The first few times he got the you never seemed depressed to me line Merlin Told them calmly that they should pay more attention. The looks on their faces made him never respond like that, because who was he to except them to see the anguish on his face when he didn't tell them. He desperately longed for their comforts but he could never ask because the idea of letter anyone let alone people he held in regard to him was horrid. He didn't want to be boxed in as the depressed friend, as the friend who isn't really a friend but an act of charity.

So group was not really his thing to say the least. But today he heard this girl, a new arrival, only 18 and with a smile with such a sunny disposition that it gleamed brighter than the sun. This sweet girl hair tied back in cornrows, skin warm like mocha spoke of how all she could paint anymore were bipolar symbols, she kept taking about her illness as if it was all her. As if when she was manic and thought she could gamble and win it was due to her. Not her illness. Or how when she couldn't get up and lost her art scholarship, how that was all on her. Like if she just tried hard enough she could be better. She was drowning in hate for her self. Hate that should be focused on her illness. But nowadays it's easier to hate yourself than admit that you are weak.

Merlin couldn't listen to her any more, how she hated herself for being bipolar. He just stood up and said "I have depression, and that is a part of me like my hair color. With the proper chemicals I can change it, it will always be part of me. And it will always be there, sometimes it will leak out and I need to re-dye my hair and that's ok. As long as I notice it before it gets to bad I can, I'll be fine. The same goes for you. The meds for you may be more complicated but you will find a mix that works and move one when it stops. Your mental illness isn't the only thing that matters about you, it can be thing you focus on or not, that is your decision." He Then sat down and spent the rest of group picking at his nails intently.

"I heard Samara benefited from what you said."

"Good" and Merlin felt it. He always knew how to talk to people about mental illness. He could never judge anyone because he had been there or was currently there.he could relate, and stop the loneliness that comes with mental illness. The stigma, the shame, the feeling that if you told someone they'd look at you differently, and that it was something you had to experience on your own. Merlin never had to experience it on his own, Will was always there so he could talk about it, but then Will wasn't there anymore. It was hard for him, is hard for him, without a person to talk to who wouldn't try and fix him or look surprised. He remembered how after Will died he seemed comfort in a group of friends, all of them with similar ailments. They all clung to each other, almost daring one of them to just go ahead and kill themselves so the rest would have an excuse. When Merlin was Ok enough to realize that wasn't healthy he ran liked bat out of hell. Anything that wasn't viewing the illness, as a just that an illness, is harmful; another reason to hate yourself, a characteristic, an invite to an exclusive friend group, a way to seem edgy and cool; all of of it is harmful. Merlin was glad he could help teach that lesson.

=/=/=

Arthur had been up since 4. He had taken the entire day off but their were still things he needed to take care of. He couldn't handle not working, it was a good way to pass the time. If he didn't Arthur was sure he would count every second down to 6. He hadn't expected Gwaine or Freya to wake up with him though, but they had. Freya flitted around and stressed cleaned, Gwaine just went straight to the gym. At 5:30 they all piled into Arthur's car. It was time to see Merlin.

-/-/-

Merlin wanted to talk to someone over breakfast, he was so excited and he didn't have anyone to tell. He thought about writing to Will but stopped short. He sighed looking down at his food. Then he heard someone sit down. It was Samara.

She smiled cautiously and asked "Can I sit here?" Merlin smiled back and nodded.

"So today is visitors day and my Mom is coming." Samara offered.

"Are you excited?" Merlin asked.

"I don't know, I miss her a lot, so much actually. My family in general, they are so great and this is the longest we have gone without seeing each other since we Skype a lot. I'm just, they're just... My father blames himself for this, my sister thinks it's a phase, and my brother is wrecked. My Moms father was bipolar so she knows about it. I'm so scared they will see my and be disgusted."

"Well..."

=/=/=

Arthur didn't know what to make of the other people in the visitors center. Most seemed tired or worn down, as if the weight of the fact that they were their had left them ragged. There were 3 families, two of the families seemed to know each other. The fathers talked among themselves as the mothers watched their children play. One of the others seemed to be constantly moving, her hand flittering, shifiting her weight. Arthur wondered how she she wasn't hot under that cardigan. When she first saw them he could tell she knew who Freya was, he could see how she didn't know if it would be worth it to tweet it or not. He was glad she decided against it. The other mother seemed almost serene in comparison, she only moved to scold her child with finger raised in biting Spanish. The other family seemed freaked out, their young daughter hoisted into her fathers lap more for his sake than hers, the partner if their was a partner absent. Gwaine seemed to know the man and said something to him about him keeping quiet about this or losing his spot in Gwaine's clientele. The entire room quieted when the clock changed to 5:59. Only one more minute.

☆/☆/☆  
All Merlin could think when he saw Arthur was how beautiful he was, Merlin had almost forgotten, his hair was so golden even in the dim lights, his eyes so so blue. His skin still golden, laugh lines and stress furrows both there in equal beauty, callused hands, teeth still charmingly crooked,he was so beautiful and Merlin was crying. He didn't even know what had happened before his arms were around Arthur, stroking his back. Arthurs warmth seeping through his suit and the thin hospital garb. Merlin had forgotten how much Arthurs warmth seeped into him, how good it felt to be next to him. He had missed this so much.

The great Arthur Pendragon, the youngest CEO, number 36 on times most influential people in 2015, the 3 times most eligible bachelor felt the core himself shatter one early morning. He didn't know what he had expected but it was not this. Merlin was still Merlin, he still had eyes that's shined with mischief, he still had a lean frame, and long knobby fingers and legs. His hair was still black as sin, and his features as angelic as David. But Merlin had bandages on his wrists and a haunted look in his eye. He seemed so small and weak, standing out green hospital grab against white walls. He found himself holding Merlin, his arms rubbing up and down Merlin's back. He felt himself break a little more when he felt the dampness on his cheek. He wanted to do more, to kiss his head or tell him it would be ok, that he would do anything to make it alright. That the world would comply or he would make it. But he didn't because he didn't have that right, he wasn't Merlin's boyfriend, he was just a friend and friends don't get to do that.

"Merlin! Oh my God Merlin!" Freya sobbed as she saw Merlin. She looked almost as wrecked as Arthur felt, she had collapsed on the floor and was sobbing. Gwaine was behind her his arms crossed as a way to hold his sides without seeming weak, his eyes betraying his true weakness with their gleam. Merlin left Arthur's side and knelt down to help Freya up.

"Hey babe, I'm sorry you had to find me like that, but I'm here sweetheart, I'm alive I'm ok." Merlin said hugging Freyas shaking form.

"But you were so sad, and I didn't know." Freya sobbed more, then got control enough of herself to say "And you'll probably try again and I can't help you." Both Gwaine and Arthur visibly tensed at the thought of another suicide attempt.

"Honey I'm on meds now, Im also in therapy, I'm not going to attempt again, if I do it won't out of the blue." Merlin punctuating this with a kiss on her head. When Freya calmed down Merlin hugged Gwaine.

Gwaine's hands were like vices on Merlins skin, his hands digging into Merlin's body. He nestled his head into Merlins shoulder. His face against the green fabric. Merlin ran his fingers through Gwaine's hair.

"You listen you motherfucker, if you ever let yourself get that far down the rabbit hole again I'll beat your awfully dressed ass." Gwaine whispered making Merlin throw his head back and laugh.

Arthur marveled at Merlin's laugh, at the ring and pitch, how it seemed to echo off the walls. He felt something akin to jealous that Gwaine could draw this out of him but at the same time he was so glad he hear it.

☆/☆/☆

When Lance walked into the room that held Merlin it was 8 am. He hadn't been able to get there until 8 because part of his therapy was establishing routines, so he got up at 7 and got stuck in traffic. When he walked in Merlin's face lite up, but he was the only one. The Rest of the people in the room, in particular a blond man Lance assumed was Arthur, darkened. Merlin gave Lance a hug and asked him how he was doing and how work was, all the while the blond man (Arthur?) and another man with long hair glared at him.

"Oh! Lance this is Gwaine, Arthur and Freya. Arthur, Gwaine, Freya this is Lance." Merlin said. Arthur and Gwaine continued to glare but Freya who looked blank face before smiled.

"Hi." Lance said awkwardly with a small wave that he wanted to abort as soon as he started.

"Hello." Arthur said as much distaste as he could muster into one word as possible. He was pissed, Merlin leaves his sight for a few weeks and he comes back with a boyfriend. Oh yes a boyfriend, Arthur wasn't dumb, he saw how those two hugged, how Both of them exchanged I Love yous. It's not that Arthur was per say jealous of a scruffy looking man named Lance of all things, why would he be jealous. He just thought Merlin deserved better, yes better. Someone who would come at 5 30 am to see him not stroll in at 8, someone who was stable, who could afford to care for him, someone high class. No one like this Lance character. Arthur had to soften his glare when he saw how Merlin smiled sunnily at Lance. Merlin may deserve better, but he didn't want better and even though it left a better taste in his mouth and an aching in his chest he let it be.

Gwaine on the other hand did not. Who was this man to take Percy's position? He had shown up 2 hours late, Percy would have been here at 4 am if he could, regardless of the schedule. Percy had enough stress, thinking about coming out as acesexual to the media, whatever they are starting, training, and now Merlin doesn't let him visit for this guy! Percy had a game this friday, he couldn't afford to be off especially if he was going to come out. He glared readily at this Lance character.

"Merls why didn't you put Percy on the list?" the 'instead of him?' was heard even though it wasn't spoken. Lance filched at the hard tone of Gwaines voice and Merlin instinctively grabbed Lances hand in his own and squeezed. An action that made Arthur want to scream, Merlin had never held hands with him, but Merlin held hands with this guy. He really wanted to pout and throw a tantrum but he didn't. Arthur held himself together and pretended like the idea of Merlin dating didn't hurt so much. Arthur had been thinking a lot about Merlin and dating. How Gwen called their friendship a partnership. He thought about why Merlin never dated and why he never took Gwen out on real dates. How on days when Merlin wore tight jeans or those god damn bowties he'd leave work hot and bothered. He thought about dating Merlin, he thought about taking him to fashion shows, and high society events, and balked. Not able to mesh the too ideas together, but then he thought about Merlin at Gwaines show front row laughing and smiling, his several walks down the red carpet with Freya when he joked with the interviewers and his constant celebrity appearances with Percy and Gwen in which he charmed even the paps. Arthur then thought about dating Merlin and longed in a way he hadn't in a long long time. He thought about sex with Merlin, guiltily and pretending he hadn't after, the things Merlin had hinted at, the things he could imagine. He thought about loving Merlin and found he already did. He thought about being in love with Merlin and knew that he was almost there. Arthur then decided when Merlin was better, he would pursue this, but only to find Merlin had gotten a boyfriend.

"A lot of nurses are fans of the team, it would be a PR mess for everyone. I know he could go incognito but there is still a chance he could be recognized. Plus I'm going to be out soon so I didn't think it was worth the effort." Merlin said. Gwaine nodded and guiltily looked at Lance abashed that he had been so rude to the man.

"Your getting out?" Lance said excitedly before Arthur could voice the same exact thing. That pissed Arthur off, that Lance got to speak before he did, it made him remember who Merlin would be putting first from now on. God did it suck.

"Yeah, soon actually. The meds are working pretty well, and now that I talk in group they think I could be let out soon. Maybe 2 more weeks. I could do out patient care where I live at home but come here for 4 hours a day for group and private sessions for a month, but I have to have a guardian and my mom was declared unfit. So it's in patient care, but it's only like 2 weeks more. So it's not to bad."

Before anyone could breath Arthur blurted "Does your guardian have to be a family member?" Every one looked at him, mouth agape, eyes wide. Merlin's eyes were the widest, his jaw the most slack. Arthur just wanted to grab him and kiss that surprised look off his face.

He settled for say "You took such good care of me, time for me to return the favor." and squeezing his shoulder. Merlin felt his entire universe implode around him. Arthur didn't see him as more than a nuisance why would he want to care for him? It wasn't guilt, Arthur whole heartedly blamed Gwen, it wasn't worry, Arthur thought the hospital was good for him, it wasn't PR, his name wasn't mentioned when they donated to the hospital. Arthur wouldn't do that unless he, unless, unless he cared a lot. It had taken a year of working for Arthur before he was even allowed to touch anything in it (he totally still ran his hands up and down Arthurs silk sheets), to invite another human meaning to live with him for a month. That was huge for Arthur, every partner he had, excluding Gwen, only saw hotel rooms. Arthur's home was his only, this, this act showed so much love Merlin hurt. Oh how he longed that it wasn't platonic, that Arthur would see him as more that wouldn't happen and Merlin was better now. So he smiled and pretended like it was hell.

"Yeah, my therapist has to clear you though." Arthur groaned and Merlin laughed. He could imagine how Arthur would fair against Morgana.

=/=/=

"Hello Mr. Pendragon." Morgana said gesturing towards a chair in front of a desk. Arthur almost laughed at the Mr. Pendragon he never expected to hear that from him. Dickhead, twat, Arthur, anything but Mr. Pendragon.

"Hi Dr. Le Fay." he said with a glint of amusement. Her face was stone cold expressionless, Arthur felt his confidence waver. He couldn't have her take away his chance to be with Merlin out of spite, he didn't know how he would deal with that.

"What is your relationship with Mr. Emrys?"

"He is my best friend, he is, was I don't know anymore, my PA."

"Why would a boss want to live with his employee?" Morgana asked grinning at Arthur's indignation.

"He is my best friend first." Arthur said with a hard tone.  
"What are your hours?"

"I can make them the 4 and work from home as well."

"Can we check police records to see if you have abused any of your partners?"

"Yes."

"Ok. So there is a bunch of paper work you will need to fill out as well but I'm sure you will pass. When you do he will be released into your hands you need to hide the meds, all the knives, any razors, anything sharp enough to cut flesh is out, for the first week. If he isn't settling well keep them for another week. You don't have to be with him every where but he has to be with someone, and Lance doesn't count. As soon as you turn in your form Merlin should be yours in 24 hours." Arthur didn't think he could get any more excited

-/-/-

"Hey Doc." Merlin said as he walked into Morgana's office.

"Hey Merlin, so you know how we were talking about out patient care, well Arthur volunteered to be you guardian. Do you still want to do it?" Merlin felt like he sucked up all the air in the room. He nodded furiously not trusting himself to speak.

"Good. Today's your last day here." Morgana smiled shyly, Merlin grinned.


	5. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin has to come and and deal with the real world and all that entails.

When Arthur got the call he felt a rush of emotions, he was so excited and so so afraid. He was happy and freaked out at the same time, this was nothing new to him. The first time he was on Times top 100 influential people, when he realized he had a sister, when he first got control of Pendragon Inc., when he first got more responsibility then he knew what to do with. This was different though, when he got all those other responsibilities people's lives and their families lives depended on him, but if he failed he could find a way to go on. Arthur didn't think he'd find a way to go on after this and that, well that terrified him. Terrifying or not Arthur knew what he had to do, so he closed his eyes and allowed for a moment of hesitation and doubt before he started preparing for Merlins arrival.

-/-/-

"You're leaving?" Samara asked. Merlin patted her back and pulled out of the hug.

"And so will you, soon. Now that you're on your meds you'll be let out soon enough." Merlin said trying to comfort the women. In truth Merlin was the real one needing comforting. He was safe in this hospital, safe from falling in love with straight men, safe from being reminded of Will, safe from himself. It was terrifying to think he would be living with Arthur. He didn't think he could trust himself. Seeing Arthur all beautiful and comfortable, he didn't know how he would resist. Once a hotel got over booked and he had to share a suite with Arthur, seeing him that week did something to him. After brushing his teeth next to Arthur, after seeing him sleep drunk hair all messy, after all that domestic bliss that felt like heaven it hurt like hell. He wanted to do it all the time, he wanted to be able to straighten Arthur's tie and play with his hair all the time. Merlin remembered the distinct feeling of lose when he entered his flat after that week. He remembered how lonely he was, how sad, and how it hurt that much worse in comparison to the lists he was feeling earlier. This time Merlin swore it would be different, he had to, or else what was any of this work he was putting in about. Merlin with a steely resolve it away his doubts as much as he could. He had to pack!

=/=/=

Arthur had everyone clear out of his penthouse after he got the news. He had made sure that every guest room was cleaned, his meds in a locked safe, his knives given to Freya, and every rope like cloth, toxic chemical removed. Arthur couldn't take any chances on this. He converted the Guest room closest to him into Merlin's room. He went to Merlin's apartment and got everything he thought Merlin could possibly want. His computer, phone, clothes, Doug&Phill his potted plants, and a few things Hunith thought were important.

Going to Merlin's apartment was not what Arthur expected. He expected to hate every minute of it, to want to leave as soon as possible, but he found that leaving the place were Merlin tried to end his life was hard. The apartment was just so Merlin, being in it felt like being with Merlin. The apartment was cute, and quant, nothing screamed anything special but Arthur knew differently. It was strange being there without Merlin, and for a long period of time. Usually he was only here because Merlin need to pick something up but never long enough to really look at the place.

Merlin had several Van Gogh Prints around the flat, The Bedroom in his bedroom, Almond Blossoms in his living room, The Drinkers in his kitchenette. Arthur didn't know how he never knew how fond Merlin Van Gogh. His family owned several Van Goghs and he wondered why Merlin didn't mention wanting to see them if he was such a big fan. Did he not feel entitled to ask Arthur such a simple favor? The thought that Merlin wouldn't even ask to see his favorite painter made Arthur's lungs constrict in a way that felt like a mix of choking and sobbing, like he both couldn't get enough air out of his lungs and enough air in. Arthur would loved seeing Merlin's face light up, all dimply cheeks and sparkling eyes. He wondered why he never tried to make Merlin like that more often. Arthur laughed at the I AM GROOT mug that Percy bought Merlin after they saw Guardians of the Galaxy together. Merlin and Percy were ridiculous after seeing that movie, they tried to communicate via the words "I am Groot" or more commonly soulfully looking into each others eyes and saying "We are Groot". Obviously they stopped but they're still their inside joke. Arthur smiled as he fingered the winter hat Freya made Merlin. Arthur secretly loved Merlin in this hat, his hair falling out his ridiculous ears warm.

Hunith came in when Arthur was trying to decide whether or not to bring the suits Gwaine made Merlin. Arthur didn't know if Merlin needed his suits or if that would be too much pressure. He stood there debating silently over it when Hunith came around the corner asking if he wanted a Cuppa, scaring the life out of him. She apologized and helped him pick up the suits he had dropped only to stop short at the label. Gwaine personally tailored suits costed a fortune, Arthur would know he had been paying the prat for this long, so it was normal for assume Merlin couldn't afford them. She was right, their was no way Merlin could afford even a quarter of the suits Gwaine made for him. Honestly even if he did have the money Arthur doubted Merlin would buy Gwaines suits. It's not that Merlin didn't like Gwaines tailoring, he just hated the idea of being a fashion icon, and anyone who wore personalized Lotley clothes became a fashion icon. Arthur didn't know why Gwaine continued to design Merlin a new suit every holiday when Merlin hadn't worn them once, but he had an inkling that it was how surprised he always was. He gets so excited and seems to ask 'For me?' as if no one would possibly put the effort in for him. Hunith's hands shook as she looked at the label.

"How did Merlin get a Lotley suit?" She asked her eyes wide. Arthur paused and continued folding, chuckling to himself. How could Merlin ever not get a Lotley suit, Gwaine practically threw them on him.

"He's friends with the prat. He gets one every holiday without fail, god knows why because he's never worn them once!" Arthur chuckled thinking about Gwaine's antics. As much as he complained about Gwaine, Arthur genuinely cared at him. Gwaine would always like Merlin more than him, but as long as he kept Merlin safe and sane Gwaine was one of his best mates. That was a hard thing to remember after their massive blow up but it was true enough.

"In his... In his email, he mentioned a tailor named Gwaine. Did he... Did he mean Gwaine Lotley?"

"Well, um yes." Arthur said it dawning on him what this must be like for Hunith. Gwaine to him and to Merlin was a mate, a generous loving prat of a mate. To other people Gwaine is this allusive artist, a huge designer, very untouchable in comparison to the Gwaine they knew.

"Oh...." Hunith said folding faster.

Arthur smiled as he finished packing the bag, he knew Merlin would be more than a tad bit furious that Arthur only packed his Lotley suits and didn't include his others but Arthur knew it was worth it. Not just to see Merlin in the suits but also to give him more equal standing with their friends in the public eye. Arthur didn't know what Gwen told Merlin when she pushed him towards suicide, but it wasn't hard to guess. As much as Merlin was good at hiding it, Arthur knew he was insecure in his standing with his friends. How he refused to get a twitter and when Freya badgered him until he snapped saying he didn't want to say random shit to no one. Or how he always took the Group pictures so he wouldn't have to be in them. Arthur noticed and it's not that he didn't want to do anything but he really didn't think he could. In many ways yeah Merlin wasn't as 'noteworthy' as they were, at least to the public. Everyone who knew Merlin knew that he was the best of them all, he was the smartest, the funniest, the bloke who kept everything together, and most importantly the kindest. Merlin had no real reason to feel insecure with them, but the thing is you can't stop someone from being insecure. You can try and make them feel secure but you can't stop them from feeling what they are feeling.

Arthur's train of thought was broken by Hunith saying "Before you pack up take this." holding up a worn book. It was a light blue hard clover book, stenciled in gold the words The Victorian Flower Language: A Summary, the cloth that covered the hard part was worn down. The result of some one running their hands down the cover as if to grasp something the can't touch. Arthur looked at Mrs. Emrys who was decidedly looking away to smooth out the bed covers. He opened to the first page and saw could barely make out who it was by the words were so blurry as if water had been spilled on the book, but when Arthur made out who wrote it he knew was tears that blurred the ink not water. Will Jones, Merlin's dead emergency contact. Arthur sighed, but flipped to the dedications page underneath Dedicated To Merlin, Arthur could make out a blurred Forget-me-not (Myosotis Scorpioides). Arthur flipped to the index in the back of the book: Myosotis Scorpioides Meaning: Forget me not or True love. Arthur shut the book sharply with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Will Jones was a good friend of Merlin's correct?" Arthur said hoping wishing he was meet with a yes.

Hunith paused looking up at Arthur then down again at the bed "Almost Fiancé, he died right before he planned on proposing and a few weeks before the book was due to come out." Hunith got choked up "Apparently the book was supposed to be an engagement gift to Merlin. The Jones, Wills parents, sent him a copy when it came out." Arthur closed his eyes, imagining a man Merlin was hopelessly in love with, hopelessly because that seemed the only way Merlin would love, and imagined the pain it was to grieve him. Arthur visibly deflated as he gently put the book in the open bag.

  
=/=/=

Arthur reflected in his car ride to the office, Merlins bag in the seat beside him, that he loved Merlins place. The only time Arthur felt even the slightest bit uncomfortable was when he was in Merlin's bathroom. It was obvious Hunith had tried to remove the stain but the tub was still tainted pink. He felt like he was going to be sick in that pastel colored bathroom. It put a damper on the whole morning. It's odd to look at a stop and to be able to say part of me could have died there. Arthur swore that he wouldn't let that happen again.

☆/☆/☆

Merlin rubbed his palms on his jeans. This was the first time he wasn't wearing a hospital garb. The denim felt weird, almost too rough and heavy compared to the smooth light hospital grab. He was waiting for Arthur to come through the door right in front of him, the stained pine seemed to mock him, the door handle taunting him with his stillness. Merlin was alone expect for the orderly, but she was not any comfort to him.  
He didn't know how he would feel if she were to suddenly notify him that Arthur wasn't coming, that he would have to stay here. Parts of him wanted that very badly, he wouldn't have to face him then, or face what he had done. Other parts, wanted Arthur to come, wanted proof that he cared. Merlin had always, always, shut down those parts of him when it came to Arthur. Today he didn't, today he couldn't, because today was too big of a deal. He never allowed his hopes to rise to far when it came to Arthur, he always expected the worse, so it wouldn't hurt when that's what he got, but he couldn't help it when Dr. Lee Fay said Arthur wanted to care for him. It was the first insance where the proof was so big he couldn't ignore it. Merlin tested everyone else all the time, see if his friends remembered his birthday (they didn't), or his allergies (they did), and hold them up as proof of his worth. Merlin knew it was unhealthy, but it was all he had some days. The proof that at least someone would miss him or knew him well enough to miss him could keep him here. Keep him from ending his life. Merlin never wanted to commit or attempt suicide, he always wanted to fight the urge. To try and live with the disease, and when he finally gave in to his desire it hurt him just as much as it hurt everyone else, because he failed.

The sound of the door handle turning stopped Merlins line of thought. The air seemed to grow still, the room seemed to freeze, and Merlin could swear time had showed down. Then suddenly or maybe it took a while, the door was open and there was Arthur. Merlin's breath hitched, Arthur looked... he seemed to glow golden, his eyes seemed to zero in on Merlin, and for just a second it was only them there.

When Arthur walked in the room his brain was useless. Here was Merlin in regular clothes sitting in a ugly magenta chair ready to leave with him to come home. It all seemed so fake, he didn't know how to process the way the atmosphere seemed to intensify as he saw him. Or how the first thing Arthur wanted to do was to take Merlin's face in his hands and kiss his chapped bitten lips. How he wanted be so intertwined with Merlin if Merlin left a piece of him would have to stay with Arthur. He wanted so badly to kiss Merlin in that moment, more than he had wanted anything else.

Instead of acting on it Arthur said "Come on Merlin, it's time to go home." Merlin shook his head, as if the act would clear it more, ran his hands one final time down his jeans and stood up.

"Right, yeah. I'll just um, go with you then." Merlin said glancing at the orderly as if she would keep him from leaving. Arthur felt a wave of endearment towards Merlin pulse inside of him. He was so cute when he was unsure, his fingers were constantly being wrung and his tone just past uncertain. He looked like a baby deer seeing a rabbit for the first time. Arthur didn't know what to do with all the cute. So he offered a hand to Merlin and Merlin took it, following him into the other room.

  
☆/☆/☆

The car ride to Arthur's flat was quiet. Arthur not knowing what to say, Merlin not knowing if he should talk.

Merlin was the first to break the silence "So um, do you know any good tattoo shops?" Arthur's head turned sharply to look at Merlin before snapping it back after almost crashing the car.

"Mother fucking hell!!!!" Arthur yelled as he turned the wheel sharply "This is why I don't drive myself places, the roads are a god damn death trap!" The tension in the car broke.

Merlin chuckled "The roads are a death trap, you're just a crap driver."

"Oh sod off, I'm a great driver." Arthur said right as another car beeped at them, making Arthur swerve the car to keep them safe "ok maybe you're right, but that's more the reason for me to have a driver." Merkin just rolled his eyes and smiled. Arthur was still a git.

"We're here" Arthur said as he pulled into his parking spot.

"I'm not blind Arthur!" Merlin said getting out of the car laughing. Arthur pauses as he gets out, frozen looking at Merlin with his head thrown back, eyes sparkling, neck pale and long, face full of mirth, and he couldn't help but think he had never seen anything as beautiful.

  
☆/☆/☆

As they walked through Arthur's front door neither of them saw something they expected. Arthur was shocked to see both Freya and Leon, more so Leon, putting on their coats freezing as they saw them. Merlin was shocked to see how the flat had changed when he left, the place was still sterile but it seemed livable. The couch had a fuzzy blue blanket on it, the kitchen table a vase filled with lavender and Forget-Me-Nots, it seemed like a happier version, a version Merlin used to fantasize about.

"Uh, I was just picking up my tea. I forgot it." Freya said gesturing the tea box she had in her hand.

"I was just making sure no one forgot anything." Leon said giving Arthur a hard look the Merlin couldn't decipher.

There were a few awkward moments before Arthur said "You can stay for the game if you want, I've just got to bring Merlin's bag in."

Leon took this all in stride saying "All right, I'll set the t.v. up, Freya can get snacks and you can get Merlin all set up." as he took off his coat and hung it up again.

Freya took a second to spring into action "Right, right, I'll go get some chips!" She said shrugging off her coat and heading to the kitchen.

Arthur and Merlin stood in the doorway awkward for a few more seconds before Merlin started giggling.

Arthur rolled his eyes fondly and said "Come on you're kipping in the room next to mine.

  
☆/☆/☆

"So this is it." Arthur said gesturing to the room, "I got some of your stuff from your flat, Your computers over there" as he pointed at the desk "Clothes in the closet, phone on the bedside table, and some personal stuff in the bedside table drawer." Merlin nodded not able to speak. It seemed ok in the car when they were teasing each other, it seemed so normal, but this, this was a wake up call. Things weren't normal, he had tried to kill himself and it wouldn't be normal ever again.

Merlin opened the closet and laughed at all the Gwaine suits and said pointedly "We're getting my old ones."

"No we aren't Arthur said firmly.

Merlin paused his inspection "Why?"

"You know why." Arthur said, and Merlin did know why Arthur wanted him in Gwaines suits.

"Prat." Merlin said grinning. Arthur tensed up when Merlin open his bedside table. Who knew what Merlin would say when he found his ring and The Victorian Flower Lanuage: A Summary in there. Arthur closed his eyes when he heard Merlin's sharp intake of breath.

"I'm guessing you know about Will huh?" Merlin said his hands fiddling with the ring as he faced Arthur.

"Yeah." Arthur said softly "I know." They stood their in silence for what seemed like hours.

"Arthur your T.V. is bloody confusing, I need some help in here!" Leon called from the living room.

"I got to-"

"I know." Merlin said cutting Arthur off.

-/-/-

Merlin stood there for a few seconds after Arthur left dumbstruck. He looked down at the ring again, it was a Jones heirloom, and after Will died and he tried to give all of Will's stuff back to the Jones's it was the only thing the took back. Dread sunk to his stomach when he realized they must of sent it to his apartment so he could wear it in death like Will wore his. Merlin closed his eyes and put it on. When he opened his eyes everything ached, his hand looked perfect in this ring, he could imagine the life he would have had with Will so well. He missed Will something terrible. Merlin opened his laptop wanting to write Will a letter.

Dear Will,

You left me scarred. Sometimes I imagine your death a knife that cut a chunk of my body. That it healed but there are parts still missing and I am scarred in a way that can not be called anything but ugly. Sometimes I wonder if that's why all my relationships after you ended with them telling me that I could never give my whole self away. Maybe that's true, you took so much of me with you when you died. I was given the ring you were planing to propose to me with me today, this is the first time I could actually look at it. I'm wearing it and god it hurts almost as much as it did when you died. I have never wanted to power to raise the dead more than this moment, I can imagine our life together when I look at this ring, our children, our house, everything. I mourn that loss when I see the ring and god it hurts, I mourn the children we won't have, the friends we won't make, I mourn the family dinners and everything we should have had. I don't want to take it off though, no matter how it hurts I don't want to ever take it off. I never want to forget you. I know I couldn't but sometimes I worry I will, that I will forget and you won't exist anymore and I'll forget what it is to feel loved. I know that is selfish. I also know I should take the ring off. I'm not engaged anymore, and I don't want anyone to ask me about it, about you, not now when its too painful. I'll still wear it don't you worry. I wear you every minute of my life. I wear you like a scar that aches when it rains. Maybe one day someone else will love me with this scar. I know thats what you wanted.

I can't write to you anymore, I think I have someone else who will love me with the scar, not in spite of it. I could never love anyone who looked at how you created me with spite. I will always love you. Even more when it rains, which is to say even more when I hurt.

  
~Merlin

Merlin cried a little bit more when he saved the letter. Merlin hard,y ever cried when he wrote, but this was different. This was his goodbye to Will.

"Merlin." Freya's sing-songy voice called from down the fall. Merlin shut the laptop and hurriedly wiped his eyes.

"Hey" Merlin asked as Freya walked in "has the game already started?"

"No! I just came in to see how you're doing." Freya asked emphasizing the how "So how are you doing?"

"I'm ok, I've got a few emails to send and I have to phone a Lance but after that I'll join you." Merlin responded absentmindedly as he went to email Gauis and Alice to tell him he's alive.

Freya walked up to Merlin who was fully engaged with how to word his email when she grasped his hands and said "But how are you really?"

"Freya I appreciate what you're doing, but right now I'm ok. I'll tell you if I'm not, I promise."

"What if you don't?" Freya asked accusingly "You didn't before."

"Freya... I... right now I'm ok. I swear. When I'm not you'll know." Freya sighed and nodded clearly only backing down for now.

"You'll tell me if something is wrong?" Merlin nodded "Ok, I'll see you in a few."

Merlin slumped over in the desk chair after Freya left and sent the email. He then called up Lance "Hey I'm out!"

  
=/=/=

Arthur couldn't sleep. Today was tiring and he should have just passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow but he didn't. All he could think about was Merlin. Seeing his face when he saw the ring and the book. How he wore the ring when they watched the game. How he cuddled in the chair and tried unsuccessfully not to fall asleep during the game. Arthur couldn't sleep because what if Merlin was thinking of a way to kill himself right now? What if all of Arthur's precautions weren't enough? What if Arthur did something that pushed Merlin off the edge? Arthur crawled out of bed to make sure Merlin was alright. He just needed to check. He sneaked into Merlin's room cursing himself for getting squeaky floors. Merlin, Merlin was ok, he was sleeping under 3 layers of blankets, only a tuff of hair visible under the downy hill. Arthur felt himself feel at peace, for the first time since he got that dreaded email, listening to Merlin's cute little snores.

'Yes' Arthur thought as he settled into his own bed 'Merlin is with me, all is right with the world' and he drifted off the sleep.

  
☆/☆/☆

"Arthur!" Merlin yelled angrily "Where are my razors?" as he stormed into the kitchen sopping wet with only a towel around his waist.Arthur sat their stunned for a second. What horrible thing had he done in a past life to deserve this? Merlin all wet, beautiful and angry, and Arthur not able to touch, to taste, it was torture!

"Merlin you can't have razors!" Arthur said incredulously. Why the hell would Merlin think he would near anything he could use to kill himself! He wasn't daft!

"Why the fuck not?" Merlin shouted.

"Because you tried to off yourself!" then Arthur said choked up, "Merlin you tried to off yourself."

"Arthur, did Dr. Lee Fay tell you to hide the razors?" Merlin asked softly.

"No." Arthur responded almost a mutter.

"Look Arthur, I get it, I truly do you want me safe, but I'm in a good enough place right now that I can handle razors." Merlin tried to make his words as comforting as possible.

"I don't think you do Merlin! You tried to kill yourself! I'm not trusting you with your life anymore, so no fucking razors for you!" Arthur said enraged.

"You've got to fucking trust me Arthur or I'm never going to be able to do anything! A life with kiddy gloves on is a life I would rather die than have!" Merlin yelled stomping back to his room to get changed.

When Merlin returned he was dressed this time. He angrily took his pills and ate in silence next to Arthur.

"I couldn't do it with out you." Arthur said conversationally, as if that was a casual thing one says to friends "That's why I'm so afraid." The truth in that statement shocked both of them. Merlin who was so full of doubt about his own worth, but even he couldn't deny Arthur that truth, even he couldn't say that Arthur was lying, and that shocked him to the core. It was strange feeling like he was worth something. Arthur, Arthur was shocked because he never needed anyone that much before. He had always been able to do it alone and being dependent on someone else, especially a suicidal someone else, is terrifying.

"You need to face your fears Arthur." Merlin said softly. They ate in silence for the next few minutes each pondering what the other had said. It was by no means a tense silence but more so a thoughtful one. If the mood was shifted just slightly Merlin could imagine this a domestic silence. Something he had dreamed of having with Arthur for years.

"I have a meeting this morning with Lance, and he'll take me to group in the afternoon." Merlin said as he out their dishes away.

"What time will you be home?" Arthur asked looking at his water.

"4ish."

Merlin gathered his bag and went to leave. All the while Arthur sat and imagined what he wanted to do. He wanted to wrap his arms around Merlin's waist, wanted to kiss his neck and whisper sorry into his ear. Instead he just gave a small wave as Merlin left and when Merlin was truly gone called Leon and told him to return all the stuff he had taken from the flat.

-/-/-

Merlin knew that everything would change as soon as he opened that door. He would have to face everything he had pushed away and deal with it or fail trying. Merlin knew what he had to do, so he did it, he opened the door of his old apartment. His mother sat there on the couch clearly shocked to see him.

"Merlin..." Her voice was a wisp of a sound, all hopeless, as if she thought he was a hallucination.

"Mom." Merlin said staring at the broken woman before him. She sobbing now, not in the pretty dainty way Merlin remembered her crying when Will died, but the ugly tears. The tears that leave your face red and splotchy, your eyes red and you body wrecked with the sobs.

-/-/-

It took a while for Hunith Emrys to clam down, but when she finally did she insisted on getting Merlin a cuppa & biscuits. Merlin stared awkwardly at the cookie and tea, this was all he wanted as a kid, for his mom to be there when he got home from school, for her to get him a cuppa&biscuits and ask him about his day. He remembered fantasizing about it last period, how he'd wait on the bus and convince himself she'd be there for him, how she never was.

"I can't stay for too long, I just came here to say thank you for making sure I got the ring." Merlin said, trying not to shift uncomfortably as Hunith gazed at him, as if he'd disappear at any moment.

"I knew it was important to you. I just hope it didn't bring up painful memories for you."

"Yeah, I was stupid to return it the Jones. I'm not going to take it off again, without the reminder of Will I get foolish." Merlin said stroking his scar.

Hunith's eyes flint to his hand then she asked "So wear are you wearing the ring?"

Merlin pulled out a chain from under his shirt "I got this at Tiffany's today. I'm still going to be with Will but I won't be engaged anymore, it feels right." They fall into a comfortable silence. Merlin drinking his tea, Hunith studying him.

It lasted a few minutes before Hunith suddenly asked "Arthur gave you the book right?"

"Yeah, he did. Did you read it?"

"Yes. It was quite beautiful."

"I didn't. I could never bare too."

"I'm sorry. The whole thing reads like a love letter to you. In his after word he talks about you a lot."

Merlin's placed his tea down and put his hands together "Oh, I plan on reading it after my book comes out."

Hunith squealed "Your getting a book published! Oh honey that's great! I scanned the best seller list everyday for your name!"

"It will be under a pen name. My friend Lance works in Publishing, we have some small editing to do, but other than that we got most of it sorted out." An alert popped up on Merlin's phone "Hey, I got to go, maybe in the future we could have some tea."

"I'd really like that." Hunith replied, knowing that pushing for more would be a waste of time.

Right before Merlin left he asked "If you care so much now why didn't you get in contact before?"

"I can't ask you to be in a relationship with me after what I did to you. I'm sorry for that, I wish I was better but I wasn't and that cannot be changed as much as I want it to be. The only thing that can be changed is whether or not you forgive me and you can't force forgiveness." Merlin nodded and walked out the door.

=/=/=

Arthur didn't think he got anything done today, and it was all because if Merlin. Merlin with his timid smile and stupid selfies. Arthur knew he shouldn't have asked Merlin to check in! Of course he would do something that would drive him absolutely crazy!

Arthur sighed as saved another one of Merlin's selfies to his phone. It wasn't a particularly attractive picture of Merlin, he had his cheeks puffed out and was cross eyed, but Arthur found it adorable. It was as adorable as the other 3, although maybe not the one were Merlin's caught mid laugh trying to make a peace sign while holding Starbucks .

Would it be bad if Arthur changed the background on his phone to that selfie? Some friends did that right? It's not that Arthur wants to be creepy it's just when ever he sees that picture of Merlin he feels warm inside. Like he has hot tea in his belly or a warm blanket over his shoulders, and it would be so great if he could feel that way every time he sees his phone.

If Arthur had it as his home screen then it wouldn't be as weird....

Arthur smiled as he changed the screen.

  
☆/☆/☆

Arthur was sitting in the living room when Merlin came home from group therapy. It was obvious to Merlin that Arthur was only there so he could greet Merlin when he got home. The thought of that did something to Merlin that hadn't happened in so long.... he got butterflies in his stomach. He came home to an attractive man watching shit Telly waiting for him to come home.

"How was your day?" Arthur asked trying as hard as he could to be casual. He spent his lunch break reading this women's blog trying to figure out the best way to make Merlin feel at home. Their was no book on how to help your crush get better after being in a mental hospital but this blog came as close as possible. Arthur really really didn't want to fuck this up. The main thing Arthur got from the blog was to be as normal as possible, but their was no normal here. Merlin was living with Arthur, it wasn't like they ever did that before!

"Ok, I found a tattoo place." Merlin said tossing his brief case on the counter.

"Oh?" Arthur asked. He wanted so badly to ask what Merlin planned on getting tattooed, not just for his fantasies, ok maybe for his fantasies, but imagine, just imagine, Merlin with tattooed fingers. Or a tattoo on his back.... Arthur tried not to salivate at the idea.

"Yeah, the tattoo artist I went to before moved to San Francisco." Merlin said grabbing him self a glass of water.

"You have a tattoo?" Arthur blurted out, his mind already racing.

"Yeah, it's on my foot so you don't see it but it's there. I've always loved tattoos, not because I could put art onto my body but because I could control my body in that little way. I used to only want one tattoo: a freckle. Got all poetic about controlling destiny. I was a weird kid." Merlin paused gesturing to the cabinets "Do you want anything while I'm over here?"

"Some cheese and crackers would be great." Arthur called. Merlin got the crackers, grabbed the cheese and out of habit went to go get a knife. When he opened the cabinet he stilled.

"You bloody bastard!" Merlin said grinning throwing himself at Arthur. Arthur laughed as Merlin fell on him with an ommpf, and grabbed him in a hug. He couldn't help but think this is how it should always be. He should always have Merlin here at his side, his warmth seeping into him. This is how it should always be.

"Thank you." Merlin said solemnly as he pushed himself up to look directly into Arthur's eyes "You didn't have to trust me or listen to me but you did." Arthur stared at Merlin, his sharp cheekbones, his eyes that could cut, his mouth that could rip, and he felt like a he was blessed.

"I... I don't trust you with your own life Merlin, but I know what I'm supposed to do. If you say your ok, and act ok, not fake it, that's all I have to go on." Arthur was stroking Merlin's cheek before he could stop himself "I can't lock you away or childproof anything if your ok because that would hurt you. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place but I have to choose the one that would be best for you. That's terrifying and it would be so easy to choose the one were I at least know you won't die but I don't think that's best for you."Arthur went to remove his hand but Merlin stopped him cradling it in his hands "Merlin I'm so scared. I can't fuck this up." Arthur closed his eyes "Please don't ever make me do this again Merlin." Arthur pleaded "Anything but this."

"I can't promise you I'll never be like this again, that's not possible. Even you the Great Arthur Pratdragon," Arthur let out a broken chuckle, a mix between a laugh and a sob " even you can't stop mental illness. All you can do is help me cope better this time. Yeah?" Arthur nodded "Ok. I missed 3 episodes of Game of Thrones while I was in there and I know you have on demand so teach me how to use this ultra complex future-tv."

Later that night cuddled up to Merlin, with dried tears on his cheeks and a smile on his face, and watching Merlin emote with every scene, Arthur thought this is definitely how it should be always.

  
☆/☆/☆

It was a peaceful morning. They sat side by side eating their omelets and making casual conversation. Merlin was giddy that he was able to shave and Arthur was glad he got Merlin's special brew first thing. It was comfortable and terribly domestic as conversations ranged from washing machines to what the other was doing that day. Merlin decided he would live forever in this comfortable domestic bliss.

Gwaine had other plans, as he rung the door bell again and again.

"Merlin, Mate! So you know Le Repas that french joint on 34th well I was supposed to take so models out and wine dine 'em but I decided that pinstripes were out so I have to find all knew models and now I have a 7 person reservation and I can't ditch on Le Repas so..." Gwaine said shrugging in a what to do fashion. Merlin knew Le Repas, everyone knew Le Repas, it was basically a French Landry that was ten times more likely to sell its celebrity clientele to paps. Merlin didn't dare look at Arthur, Le Repas was Gwens favorite place to eat. Their entire first month of dating and then some was documented via Paps with trips to Le Repas. Even as there relationship stopped being big news they still had a table ready there at any time. Merlin would know he always got the reservation, hell he knew the hostesses and hosts schedules and how to get the best seats in the house. Every time they went on a date it would be reserved under his name, according to Le Repas's log he ate there a lot. Truth be told Merlin never ate there and never wanted too. He had followed the media storm surrounding Arthur and Gwen's relationship, the idea of sitting across from Arthur there, and being compared, well nothing made him feel more sick.

Gwaine wouldn't have suggested they go just to hurt Arthur with reminders of Gwen. It made sense that Gwaine would eat there on business because the paps photos of him with the models would always stir up attention for his next line. As much as Gwaine was flippant and immature about a lot of things in his life he knew media, and he knew it well.

"You decided to invade our flat at ass o'clock in the morning to ask us to go out with you to dinner?" Arthur said from behind Merlin.

"Since when is 9 ass o'clock?" Gwaine said as he hung up his jacket and jumped on the spinning chair.

"Since I sleep in now." Arthur grumbled but never the less allowed Gwaine into the parlor.

"Arthur Pendragon sleeps in now!" Gwaine said throwing his arms up in the air as if waiting for a miracle, before then giving Merlin a smirk and continuing "Merlin, I'm sure you had a right old time removing the stick out of Arthur's posh ass!" Merlin blushed bright red his thoughts on what Arthur ass. Arthur gulped, his imagination running wild.

"Gwaine." Merlin chided.

"I know, I know, it's too early for sex jokes." Gwaine said shrugging "But will you come?"

"What time is it?" Arthur asked after composing himself.

"6:30."

"Great we will be there."

  
☆/☆/☆

Merlin had an hour before the dinner and he had no idea what he was going to wear. Usually no matter how fancy the place Merlin never changed. It was always to much hassle and he never cared enough. Of course Merlin had never ate at Le Repas either. Everyone wore designer there, even the servers and as much as Kmart was comfortable it wasn't designer in the slightest. Merlin knew he could just ask Arthur what he should wear, and he was sure Arthur wouldn't mind. It's just Merlin didn't want Arthur to see him and think of him as unworthy. Or maybe not unworthy but maybe as an outsider. Someone who knew so little about his world, and therefore could not possibly live in it. His therapy with Morgana was mainly trying to get past this inability to ask for help because of fear of rejection. It was so easy to see where it began for him, almost too easy. It's weird to think of yourself as a series of events that lead to a singular outcome, it makes your feelings seem less worthwhile somehow. For some people that's great, people with anxiety or people who blame themselves for there mental illness it's nice to have that burden lifted from them. Merlin knew though that the real weight being lifted was the idea that you didn't have to deal with it alone, that there were pills and therapist who would listen. Mental illness is a huge isolator, and Merlin definitely thought the majority of suicides could have cause of death marked as loneliness instead of gun shot to the head.

"Do you need help?" Arthur said interrupting Merlin's thoughts. Merlin paused for a second, did he really want to ask Arthur for help? Arthur who looked so casually flawless leaning against his door frame in an Armani sweater just to piss Gwaine off. (Gwaine had a bit of a feud going on with Armani)

"Yeah, I'd, uh, I'd really like that." Merlin replied.

"Ok great! So how do you feel about being daring?"

"What?" Merlin said laughing.

"Daring, you know, cheetah print leggings and sparkly boots." Arthur made jazz hands as if to mimic fame.

"Together?" Merlin asked incredulous.

"Well if you really want to out do Gwaine..." Merlin laughed imagining Gwaines face if he wore that. He doubted Gwaine would be mad at how bad it would look but more mad about Merlin being more outrageous then him.

"I'll stick to the low key stuff for now although the sparkly boots do sound tempting."

"Ok fine." Arthur fake pouted "How about this sweater and these slacks and one of Gwaines custom pea coats." Merlin looked at the shimmery white knit sweater that Freya bought him that he never planned on wearing, combined with the skinny slacks, it still looked like something Merlin would wear, a bit sparklier though. But the pea coat, the pea coat was midnight blue and incredibly ostentatious, combined with the sweater Merlin was sure he'd look ridiculous.

"No pea coat."

"Meeerrrlinnn." Arthur whined "Ugh ok, what about this one." Merlin studied the coat. It was a bit more fashion forward then the pea coat but at least this one wasn't so in your face.  
"Fine, I just hope I can pull it off." Merlin said heading to his bathroom to get changed.

"Merlin I'm sure it will look better on you than it did on the model." Arthur said as Merlin left his bathroom. Arthur was sure his heart skipped a beat. Merlin looked stunning, his skinny legs framed nicely by the black slacks, the sweater just too big so it looked like Merlin was smaller. The sweater complemented Merlins skin perfectly, seeming to give him a glow, his lips and cheeks were the same pastel pink and his eyes were sparkling blue. The best or maybe the worst thing about the outfit was that Merlin didn't have shoes on, his feet were bare and open and it felt like he was stealing this image from Merlins future partner. This domestic cute dressed up Merlin. There was one thing Arthur couldn't deny, Merlin looked like Art someone forgot to paint.

"Wow you look bloody great." Arthur replied his voice lower than Merin expected. Merlin ducked his head a blushed. It felt so good to hear those words, to know that he didn't imagine them.

"We have to go in like ten minutes, how about you get some shoes and all pick you up out front."

  
☆/☆/☆

It was a little surreal if Merlin was being honest, sitting here with his friends in public as more than just Arthur Pendragons PA. It felt good, it felt right. Gwaine had reacted very loudly to Merlin's outfit, saying he looked wonderful.

Arthur took this time to act like an arse and say "I'm sure Giorgio would love to here how much you love this sweater."

"Not you arse face! Merlin!" Gwaine said rolling his eyes as Arthur chuckled "Merlin you look fucking edible! I'm sure your boy toy, Lawrence was it, will be so jealous." Gwaine sent a wink at Arthur who was glowering at him.

"Lance is just a friend." Merlin said.

"Oh Merlin!" Freya yelled as she reached their table "Are you sure your ok to be out?" She said grabbing Merlins face "You look fantastic! Is that the sweater I got you? Wow!" The other patrons looked stunned as Freya gave him a huge hug, and Merlin would be too. Freya was a supermodel and a incredibly famous one at that, every man, woman or child that she is close too are always on public display, so for her to have someone she was so close to that she bought him sweaters and hugged him in public was a huge deal.

"Freya, I'm ok. I've been out and about fora few days now, I'm fine." Merlin said trying to reassure her "Thanks for the compliment although it's the sweater that looks so good not me!"

"Oi! What about the slacks mate, I made those personally for you!" Gwaine protested as the tables near by started to ignore there dinner entirely to stare at him. Arthur hoped this wouldn't make Merlin feel uncomfortable, because he really wanted to be able to go out in public with Merlin.... and the gang. To the park to have picnics, to fashion shows, etc. Merlin had been with him to high society events before but he had never been in the spotlight, and it's a huge difference. Arthur didn't know if Merlin could handle living life in the spot light. Maybe not now, but could he ever? Arthur would admit he wanted Merlin to have what it takes to deal with paps and bloggers, and he would admit that he wanted that for selfish reasons, he wanted to show the public how much he cared about him, he wanted to declare it to the world, but Arthur would never jeopardize Merlin's happiness for that wish.

"Merlin!" Percy said going in for a hug "I have to thank you! Knowing you'd be watching the game gave me that extra oomph to win!" Merlin laughed and now no one in the room was paying any attention to their meals. Really who would? If 3 time Super Bowl champ just claimed that some nobody watching his game made him win wouldn't you stare?

"You played great!" Merlin said pulling out of the hug to sit down "It's so good to see you!"

"Merls! You look fantastic! It's been to ruddy long!" Elyan said hugging Merlin. Merlin internally grimaced at the over friendly greeting. It was obvious that Elyan was trying incredibly hard to show someone, maybe himself, that he was not like Gwen. Merlin appreciated the effort he really did, but it was grating to have someone be so insincere to him.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" The waitress asked, not so covertly checking out Gwaine.

"We are still waiting on someone, he will be here in a minute." Arthur said giving the waitress his sweetest smile. Helpless the waitress left her eyes glazed.

"You know it's not to nice to do that."Merlin said half amused half annoyed.

"Do what?" Arthur asked.

"Flirt with the staff, they just want to do their jobs." Merlin said gesturing at the waitress who was giggling and looking at Arthur.

"I.... she doesn't seem to mind it." Arthur said weakly.

"Who doesn't seem to mind what?" Leon asked while coming up to the table.

"The waitress doesn't mind Arthur's flirting." Merlin said with a roll of his eyes. He wondered if Arthur flirted with the wait staff when he was on dates with Gwen. Maybe that's why she felt so threatened by Merlin. It was true that the woman didn't seem to mind Arthur's flirting but Merlin knew that he didn't say anything Arthur would continue to do that in front of him. Merlin knew it was a little manipulative to pretend to take the moral high road so he wouldn't have to hurt every time he saw Arthur flirt.

"Ahh, is she the dark haired beauty in the corner?" Leon asked gesturing to an adorable Latina Women who was blushing hard as she talked to the hostess. Merlin tensed, she looked remarkably like Gwen, all dark skin, warm eyes, soft curves, and womanly. That's Arthurs type, not pale, lanky, and male. Even as Merlin tried desperately to not care he couldn't control the insecurity that he would never be good enough. Never be what anyone wanted, that Will was a one shot deal, the only man who want to be with Merlin. It's hard to get rid of thoughts like that after they have been in your mind for a while, they seem to bury themselves so deep in your mind that they don't ever come out.

"No it's the one who's about to take our order." Elyan responded gesturing to their waitress.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" The waitress said and this time her eyes were only for Arthur.

"I'll have water." Merlin said distracting her from Arthur.

"Merlin they have great plum wine here, and I know how much you love plum wine." Freya said smirking. Merlin smiled thinking about how they used to get shit faced on crappy wine while gossiping and he would always complain that it wasn't plum. Then Freya got "discovered" and they had plum wine a lot but they rarely had it together. Freya would send it in over in nice boxes when ever she canceled get together. Merlin remembered debating whether it was ethical to set up a movie night so she could cancel and send more wine.

"I can't." Merlin said smiling with an amused edge to his voice. Arthur smiled, it had been forever since he had seen Merlin sound and act so indulgent. The last time they were at a fancy bakery in japan, and Merlin was went to buy expensive mochi saying he earned it. He looked so content and happy with himself as he was being charged some outrageous price. Arthur had offered to put it on the company tab but Merlin just smiled into his plate and tore up his receipt before Arthur could grab it. Arthur couldn't even be mad, Merlin looked so smug and self satisfied. Arthur kept Green tea mochi in his fridge ever since that day, and when Merlin first discovered this his smile was worth all the hassle it took to constantly restock. Arthur honestly hated mochi but god did Merlin love it. It's weird looking back on all the things he did to make Merlin happy that no one would consider normal.

"Come on Merlin! Have a little fun. You deserve it!" Gwaine urged Merlin.

"Merlin your such a Happy drunk! And God knows you need more happiness!" Freya chimed in.

Merlin glared at no one in particular "I can't, doctors orders." Merlin's smile felt like shards of glass. The table went silent, the awkwardness tangible.

"I'll have Diet Coke." Arthur said remembering the waitress. She seemed to come out of a daze, blinking several times before a delighted smile crossed her face and she nodded.

"Make that 2." Elyan said diverting the waitresses attempts to eyefuck Arthur into oblivion.

"I'll have a water." Leon said as the Waitresses eyes drifted to his.

"Make that 3 waters." Freya interrupted.

"You all are no fun I swear!" Gwaine muttered, "A pint of the best beer you have in this joint." The waitress left them hurrying over to fill there order.

"So you can't have Alcohol whats up with that?" Elyan asked.

Merlin smiled politely "Yeah, I'm at high risk for devolving substance abuse so for now I'm avoiding anything slightly mind altering. Plus my meds are strong and we aren't sure whether it's a right fit for me and alcohol would really mess up the whole process." It was one of the things he'd miss, what Freya said was true he was a giddy drunk, but he always crashed the next day and that was shit.

"Oh..." Elyan mumbled with no idea what to say to that. No one at the table really did, and that was ok with Merlin. He knew he couldn't expect people to understand, all he wanted was for the, to move on from the facts.

The waitress came up and gave out the drinks before asking if they were ready to order. And they went though the motions of figuring out what they wanted. Arthur ordered a steak, Gwaine a lobster, Percy a potato dish, Freya fish tacos, and Elyan a unpronounceable French dish.

When the time came for Merlin to order all eyes were on him "I'll have your house salad."

The waitress gave Merlin a condescending smile "Is that all?"

"Yes." Merlin said giving her bitch face right back.

"All right I'll be back with your orders soon."

"Merlin you can tell me if something's wrong you know." Freya said quietly do no one else could hear.

"Freya I'm fine, I don't need to talk. I told you this before. Why do you keep asking me that? I'll talk to you about that when I want to talk about that." Merlin said tensely. He understood that Freya was worried for him, but continuing to try and force him to tell his feelings isn't going to help him. Merlin understands that people will worry for him more now but Freya took it a bit far.

"You aren't eating enough Merlin!" Freya said angrily forgetting to whisper.

"Freya I love salads, ask anyone, literally anyone, I love salads. " Merlin addressed Arthur "What do I get for lunch every day?"

"Salad from Colbie's." Arthur said slowly clearly feeling uncomfortable.

"Right, so obviously I like salads, and me ordering a salad is not some way of keeping off weight."

"I'm sorry, I saw this documentary about anorexia last night, and I'm just worried about you." Freya said wringing her hands.

"Freya I have depression not anorexia." Merlin said in a pointed tone.

"They are pretty similar Merlin."

"No they aren't, or at least not in the warning signs." Merlin said hotly. Arthur stayed silent even though he desperately wanted to say something. This was Merlin's mental illness not his, he couldn't define it since it wasn't his to define.

Their food interrupted their conversation. Their waitress making sure to serve in the order of the most famous to least famous, or at least it seemed that way to him. Merlin was happy to note that Leon was served before him even though Merlin was in more pap photos then him. To be fair Merlin was always in the background and Leon was to responsible to be doing anything scandalous, plus his career as the worlds best lawyer depended on it. They all at in easy silence for the first few minutes.

Then Freya broke it "You know studies have shown being in lighter rooms and being in the light can help with depression."

"That's interesting." Merlin said curtly.

"Oi, did you know light therapy is a real thing?" Gwaine said trying to ease the tension "It's for acne. I had this gorgeous model cancel on a shoot once because she got it to clear away her acne, he face was dry and swollen for days! Her dermatologist knew what she was doing though cause damn did her skin clear."

"Was that Lucy?" Freya asked.

"Yeah! Doesn't she look great?" Gwaine said with a leer.

"Wait so are you saying being in light colored rooms makes you have lesser depression?" Percy asked completely derailing the conversation.

"No like having a lot of natural light, instead of being in the dark." Freya said. Arthur looked at Merlin he had his hands clenched his lap looking incredibly uncomfortable with the conversation.

"Merlin you should do that." Elyan said his voice full of superiority. Or at least that's what it sounded like to Merlin.

"Yeah I'll do my work on a laptop at the park. Can't hurt to soak up those sun vibes." Merlin said half sarcastic half sincere. Merlin had read those studies too and they held merit, and yeah he probably would keep the blinds up during the day and maybe he would work it the park. But that did stop him from getting annoyed at his friends. He knew they meant well, he truly did but having someone who didn't understand his pain and who never could try and say they know what he has to do. Well it's annoying.

"You should get rid of you blinds all together too. Maybe-" Freya suggested.

"Can we not talk about this." Gwaine interrupted looking rather uncomfortable.

"Thanks, It's not that I don't want to talk about my depression, just let me bring it up." Merlin said relived.

"Or we could just not talk about it." Gwaine muttered.

  
"No we are going to talk about but on my terms. My depression and me we are a package deal. Their is no picking and choosing. I don't need your advice on how to deal with it, but I don't want you to pretend it doesn't exist." Merlin said as calmly as he could. Which wasn't very considering how angry this made him. It sucks so much to have your mental illness trivialized as something anyone can give tips on but it sucks just as much when your friends just want one toe of you, the type that doesn't bring anyone down with their mental illness.

"Merlin that fair we were just trying to help." Percy huffed.

"Merlin I don't feel comfortable talking about this don't fucking make me." Gwaine hissed.

"I need to get so air." Merlin said getting his coat and pushing his chair in before addressing "I'll be home before 3 Arthur, don't like call the cops or some shit."

=/=/=  
"Arthur you can't just let him leave." Leon said shocked.

"Yes I can, if he isn't back by 4 I'll call the police but until then I don't need to do anything." Arthur said gritting his teeth. Why had he thought going out tonight would be a good idea?

"Arthur he's mentally ill you can't just leave him like that." Gwaine insisted.

"Yes I can. He knows what's going on in his head better than anyone else." Arthur turned addressing everyone "Also he's mentally ill can not be an excuse for you guys. Invite opportunities for him talk about his shit but don't force him, and avoiding the topic will make him feel like an outsider. Need I remind you what he did last time he felt like an outsider?" The table seemed to deflate at Arthur's words and part of him felt victorious but the other bigger part felt guilty. As much as he teased and ordered around he hated making his friends hurt.

"I just wanted him to know about that study." Freya Said looking down at her hands.

"Then just mention it in passing privately. I know I order him around but I'm me." Arthur said trying to lighten the mood and it worked, Gwaine was off telling a story about how he saw Merlin order Arthur around, and Everyone laughed, but it wasn't the same without Merlin.

-/-/-

The paps were a unfortunate. If he had more on his game he would have expected this, every night La Repas had Paps, and while they usually ignored him, what he currently was wearing wouldn't allow that.

The lights were annoying and slightly blinding, the shouting was deafening. Merlin couldn't make out anything they were saying and beneath the panic from the shouting and the flashes Merlin wondered. Did they think he was just some rich introvert, a gold digger, what was he defined as in there eyes. He knew he shouldn't care, no one else in his friend group did but... Merlin had never been an entity in himself. He had always been Merlin all that was left of Balinor, Merlin Will's boyfriend, and recently Merlin Arthur's PA. Its slightly flattering to be labeled as something,as well as a right of passage,it would make him someone in their community. Or at least that's what it felt like to Merlin.

Merlin walked quickly away and had only a few paps following him. After a few blocks and some badgering about who exactly Merlin was to no avail, they left.

As soon as Merlin was alone he called up Lance.

=/=/=

As the table went through the motions of figuring out who would pay Arthur thought about the first time he took Merlin to a pap restaurant. He had done it mean spiritedly, thinking that the bright lights and rude badgering would fluster Merlin. He was so surprised when half through the dinner he was enjoying himself. Merlin was smiling widely and Arthur couldn't help smiling back. It felt shy and dewy glow in its own way.

Merlin had been flustered but not by the paps but by the cost of the food and how good it was. Arthur remembered feeling a distinct feeling of fondness when Merlin moaned into his grilled cheese. Arthur didn't really like the restaurant but the food some how seemed better and the paps less of a hassle with Merlin there. Arthur had wanted to ask for a bite of Merlin's grilled cheese in the vain hope that it was some how better than the grilled cheese he had there a few weeks earlier, maybe just because Merlin had eaten it.

That had broken the feeling of ease that Arthur had felt. He worried about propriety of how he looked to the public, but with Merlin it wasn't about that. He could just be, which was hard for any man with responsibilities, but especially for Arthur. He cared about every employee and would do anything to make them happy. He could barely ever just be, he had to be Arthur Pendragon business mongrel, at least to the public so the stocks didn't fall.

The paps hardly even fazed Merlin, he just walked by them chatting normally as if the paps weren't screaming at them and trying to blind them with flashes. To be air it was him, that the Paps were screaming obscenities at....

"Oh fuck! The Paps!" Arthur said throwing his napkin on the table and running outside the restaurant. Almost immediately he was surrounded by light and noise.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouted looking in the crowd of Paps for him "Merlin are you out here?" When no one responded Arthur relaxed, Merlin got away. He turned away from the sours and back into the restaurant.

"Arthur what the hell?" Elyan said looked pissed.

"Merlin" Arthur panted bent over "had... to... face... the... paps alone." Freya who had just got there in time to here that ran out side.

"Fuck is he ok?" Elyan asked.

"I guess he wasn't out there so I assumed he got away."

-/-/-

"Hey whats up?" Lance asked.

Merlin ran his fingers through his hair "I really need a ride and a place to crash tonight."

"Sure, what happened?" Lance asked concerned. Merlin throw his hand up I'm the air and leaned on the building behind him.

"My friends... They either wanted to talk about nothing but my depression or they wanted to distance themselves from completely. Like it's a thing but do we have to talk only about this thing all the time, it only concerns me, like seriously it's not yours?"

"Merlin I love you , you know I do, but you tried to kill yourself. That fucks people up, and everyone has their own coping mechanisms,you have to understand just because it didn't work out when you tried to kill yourself doesn't mean they aren't grieving. Plus just because you're the one with depression doesn't mean it doesn't affect them. Like a Parent of a gay child is an be part of the community even though they aren't gay."

"You're right, it's just hard." Merlin said closing his eyes.

"I'll pick you up, where are you?"

Merlin looked around "I have no idea. A few blocks away from the restaurant La Repas."

=/=/=

The condo felt dead without Merlin, or maybe Arthur was just projecting. He didn't know why he had like this place enough to buy anyway. It was so cold and sterile. Perhaps he liked how powerful it looked it all of its force. Arthur couldn't imagine living here in the long term, he hadn't ever.

Or actually that was wrong. He imagined recently, and very vividly. The couch was no longer pure white but purple with colorful pillows on it. The walls were covered with funky paintings, maybe a few Van Goghs. He no longer had guest bed rooms because one was Merlin's office, one was Arthurs and the remaining 2 had a little boy and a little girl inhabiting them. This domestic vision came out of the view, Arthur was just at his desk and then boom. A family Arthur could never imagine himself having.

Arthur reckoned Merlin and him would be good parents. Arthur knew he would be always affection but somewhat stern. He would make pancakes and tell his kids he loved them routinely but he wouldn't let them slip up on grades. Merlin Arthur imagined would be the parent you didn't want to disappoint, he would be fun and loving but would punish harsher than Arthur would.

Arthur didn't know why he imagined this life for himself. It wasn't like that was the road he was headed down. Merlin and him weren't even in a relationship! Of course if they were Arthur imagined they would be a fucking great one. They knew each other so well, so well, they knew the others flaws and excepted them readily, they knew how to talk to each other, how to work in sync, how to live in the others constant presence etc. They would be so good together. They would make each other so happy. Or at least Arthur imagined that they would.

-/-/-

"How about this, I give you the keys to my flat and enough cab money, a loan mind you, to go where you need to go?" Lance offered glancing quickly at Merlin before looking at the street.

"That sounds great, can I use your laptop as well so I can work?" Merlin said giving Lance his best puppy eyes.

Lance sighed "Since technically your work is my work, fine."

"Thanks so much!" Merlin squealed, and Lance smiled definitely amused.

"You excited for you new tattoo?"

"Yeah."

=/=/=

Arthur didn't know what he was doing. He should probably try and get some work down, but intend he just sat on the couch and waited. He always seemed to be both endlessly patient and inpatient when it came to Merlin. Like he was willing to wait forever, but wanted Merlin back this instant. Merlin always made him feel like a conundrum.

Never in bad way though. Always in a surprisingly good way. Like how he never wanted to shower or bath with anyone because it would be too uncomfortable to be that domestic, but when he imagined it with Merlin he wanted it, he wanted to be that domestic, that intimate. Or how he could never binge watch a show but he could watch Merlin binge watch a show because he got so wrapped up in the story line. It was like Merlin changed him, but at the same time he was exactly the same. Or perhaps he only changed in regard to what he could do with Merlin that he felt comfortable with.

Arthur sighed and put his head in his hands.

-/-/-

"You know we don't usually take that many walk ins," Steve stated while doing Merlin's left arm "we actually moved our hours we take walk ins to this time to avoid getting a lot. You seem ok though, at least you had picture references."

"Yeah." Merlin chuckled nervously "You guys have a really long waiting list..."

"Walks ins cost more." Steve pointed out.

"I have the money." Merlin said shrugging "It's my treat to myself." They sat in silence for several minutes as Steve finished Will's flowers.

"I'm going to do the stems now and it will go over the bones in your wrist which will hurt." Steve informed him. Merlin just gritted his teeth and grimaced.

"I've seen grown men cry like a baby for an area smaller than that" Steve said impressed "You got nerves of Steel man." Merlin gave a pained smile at that.

"Not nerves of steel, just a high pain tolerance."

"Well we are done on this side. You know the rules about stopping infection?" Merlin nodded "Good. So what did you have planned for your second tattoo?"

Merlin pulled out a google image he had found "It's Excalibur I want this just black and the "Take Me" in welsh instead of" gesturing to the paper "this is, and I want the middle going down the scar like the other one with the stem."

"This will look sick man." Steve said looking at the image.

=/=/=

Arthur was going out of his mind with worry. He knew he said he would call the police only if he wasn't back by 4, but it was one and he's almost lost his mind. He has had made 3 teas out of stess, wasting 2 perfectly good tea bags. He has practiced sun salutations 5 times and he still wants to hit something.

Arthur never used to express his anger in hippy green earth ways, he used to go and hit it out, if he was lucky that meant a punching bag, if he wasn't that meant a person. It would never help him solve a problem but it always made him to tried to be angry, or to shocked. That was until Merlin. When Merlin realized how Arthur dealt with his frustrations he decided he was Arthur's new life coach. Arthur had threatened to hire Merlin 27 times that first week but it slowly it did help. Making tea was calming and let him have a little break from the stress and Yoga tired him out but also made him think, he still loves to box but it is less therapy for him.

Merlin seemed to do that a lot actually, take his unhealthy habits and make them into healthier habits. Like every night he worked late a week he took a late-ish morning, for every person he yelled at he had to compliment someone sincerely (when he first started this it was full of Arthur complementing Merlin because he was closest but getting so embarrassed that he stopped yelling all together), etc. good improvements. Improvements he wouldn't have been able to make with out him.

-/-/-

Walking into Lances apartment at 2 am quietly is like trying to not get passionate about your beliefs, it's impossible. Needless to say Merlin tripped over everything, made 3 load noises and swore loudly before finally getting to Lances computer.

The dim light of the screen light up as he opened it to see Lance was already logged on. Merlin quickly went to his file and started organizing letters. It was both deeply personal and incredibly clinical. The part of him that wrote these soul filled letters gave the lead to his editorial part of him that had worked for Arthur. The letters were situated so the reader would be drawn in and figure out what happened about halfway through the book, and the rest would be his letter about how he made it through it. The letters and the stories were out of date but Merlin didn't think that changed the purpose of book, to commemorate Will, but it made it more appealing to read.

He edited quickly, not focusing on anything but that.

=/=/=

It's 3:30 and Arthur s freaking the fuck out. He can't help but imagine Merlin somewhere dead, dead because Arthur failed, dead because Arthur wasn't there enough, dead because Arthur forced him to go to that dinner or at least peer pressured him into it, dead because of Arthur.

The worse part is Arthur wasn't just going to mourn the loss of Merlin and his friendship, but also the hope or maybe idea of a romantic relationship. Arthur had mourned Merlin and his friendship leaving this earth, he had comes to terms with that and it was painful, oh hell it was painful, but Arthur was sure that almost would kill him. You almost got him kissing you good morning very morning. You almost got weekend cuddles and movie marathon days. You almost had this beautiful wonderful thing, you could have, but you didn't, because you fucked up and now you've ruined every chance you ever had. And that's the thing about almost, it the saddest word, because no matter if you had it and it was taken away you still had it, you still had something to hold onto, with almost you had nothing to hold onto but a maybe.

Arthur had to stop himself from crying. The idea that he missed his chance with Merlin killed him inside. It felt like all the hurt was climbing out f his gut and into his stomach and throat. All he could do now was wait. So he breathed in and out and sat down on the armchair and waited phone in fist ready to call the cops the second it's 4 am.

  
☆/☆/☆

It was 3:58 when Arthur heard the lock click. Merlin shut the door and hung up his coat not noticing Arthur.

"Oh." Merlin said as he noticed Arthur sitting on an armchair looking stoic. Merlin didn't think Arthur would wait up for him, let alone past 12. Arthur didn't even have dates with Gwen that pasted the 10 pm make, he loved his sleep so much. It had never crossed Merlins mind that he would have to face Arthur that same night.

"'Oh'? Oh! Merlin I was this close to calling the cops to go look for you body in some river!" Arthur said standing up walking toward him furious

"I got caught in traffic. I left at 3!" This was only half true. Merlin left at 3:15.

"Why do you think I was waiting till four to call the cops, huh?" Arthur said poking his chest several times "You always fucking forget about traffic. Do you understand how scared I was? Do you?"

"I'm sorry" Merlin started raising his arms in pseudo surrender "I should have texted." Arthur's eyes caught the whit bandages on his wrists.

"What the hell is this Merlin?" He said holding one arm him his hand his voice soft but sharp.

"The tattoos I was telling you about." Merlin said yanking his arm back.

"I was worried out my fucking mind, and you're out getting ink?" Arthur asked grabbing Merlins arm again and shaking it "Is this even safe? Did you check with a Medical doctor to make sure it wouldn't reopen the scars? Did you even think before you got these? Is it bad for me to ok this when you just got out of a mental hospital?"

"I should have texted I know!" Merlin said pulling his arm out of Arthurs grip "It's safe I checked with my doctor before I left. Why the hell are you so fucking angry?" Merlin yelled "Are you mad that I don't fit into your little box? That I don't fit into your lifestyle? Well fuck you Arthur!" Merlin said turning away aiming to leave.

"I'm angry because I thought you were dead and that scares me more than anything in this world." Arthur said walking behind the still Merlin before facing him "I don't know what sort of person I'd be without you, what my world would look like with you out of it."

Arthur looked into Merlin's eyes there was a pause and Arthur felt this moment so vividly. Merlin still dressed in the designer sweater it looking soft in the dimly light room, the light coming from the window making him look ethereal and Arthur in flannel pajama pants and a Pendragon Inc. sweatshirt bare foot looking up at him with something like reverence. Arthur raised his hands slowly as if expecting to be rejected, one around Merlin's neck and the other cupping his face, his tan fingers looking right against Merlins skin, the touched gently almost as if they were gone. Slowly as if it were minutes instead of seconds Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's. It wasn't magical, there was no golden glow, or true loves first kiss moment. It was just soft slightly chapped lips pressing against red bitten lips, just skin against skin, but it was somehow incredibly intimate.

That was until Merlin pulled back and eyes blown, cheeks red, "What the hell is wrong with you Arthur?" his voice all irreparably broken but sharp like a broken glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Tell Me what you think!


	6. The Beginning again

Merlin was incredibly pissed off. How could Arthur do that? Did he think Merlin was so dumb that he wouldn't know it was fake, that Merlin wouldn't know that Arthur didn't felt that way about him? It was humiliating, that Arthur thought that Merlin couldn't handle his love being unrequited love he thought it was best to pretend for Merlin, that he thought Merlin would attempt suicide again if he didn't. Perhaps they all pretended affection for him after, to make sure he wouldn't try to kill himself again. The thought made him feel physically pained. He was just a play thing that broke after years of misuse after it fixed it was treated gentler but still a toy, not even the favorite.

"How could you Arthur? You know how I feel, so why? Why me?!"Merlin said his eyes sharp with grief stared at the shocked Arthur "You could play these sick games with anyone why me? Why me?" Merlin seemed to collapse on the the couch.

Arthur stood there shocked he wanted nothing more than to protect Merlin but he didn't think he could, he didn't even know what he would be protecting him from.

"Merlin, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh fuck you, you don't! Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to fucking kiss me." To torture me with what I can't have Merlin almost added.

"I'm sorry it was in heat of the moment it won't happen again."

"The heat of the moment Arthur?" Merlin said disbelief coloring every syllable "Straight men don't kiss men in the heat of the moment! Who the hell up you up to this?"

"Who the hell said I'm straight!" Arthur said getting angry, did Merlin really think Arthur would play mind games with him? "I'm fucking bisexual, just like Gwaine, hell, Gwaine and I dated once!"  
Merlin felt lost, so lost, Arthur was bisexual, Arthur felt attraction to men, Arthur and Gwaine used to be a couple. He could have a relationship with Arthur the way he always wanted to, that was possible, maybe, if Arthur like him romantically, which he didn't. Arthur could like Merlin in that way but he didn't not because Merlin was a man but because Merlin was Merlin.

"Still why the hell did you kiss me?" Merlin said his voice softer.

"I told heat of the moment, I was worried and angry and felt all theses feelings, I was so worried, and angry and..." Arthur said looking down before looking Merlin straight in the eyes " and Merlin I love you, a lot, you mean so much to me."

"You love me like a friend," Merlin said sighing "and while you and your so called "love" is great, I can't take it, at least not when you do shit like this." Merlin paused gesturing to his lips "I love you romantically,I love you and desire you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Not as a friend but In your bed and with our children. And I know you can't give me that, and it hurts like Hell Arthur. I've been in hell so long Arthur, I just want to leave, and you getting confused and kissing me because everything is incredibly intense right now and that's the easiest way to expel it is going to be so shit for me. And I can't deal with it. With you."

"Merlin I love you-"

"You don't love me how it counts, you don't love me where it counts. You can try but you don't. Even if you did I doubt we would work. And as much as you love me as a friend, to be around you now is a type of torture." sweet torture but torture all the same.

"Merlin I want to make love to you, I want to see you hold our baby in your arms, I want to hear Arctic Monkeys every morning while you shower, then join you in the shower. I love you in every way possible you fucking twat!" Arthur said grabbing Merlins chin and making him look at him "Just listen to me, You mean more to me than everyone else and anything else, I love you and I could live with out you, but I don't think I would want to." Arthur dropped his hand and softly said "If you don't want this and don't think you're in a well enough place for this then just tell me, but if you want this and can do this then there is nothing that will keep me away."

"Then what about Gwen? If you wanted me then why did you date Gwen?" Merlin accused.

"Because you're normal Merlin! And she's not!" Arthur answered angrily. Then there was nothing but the air conditioner hum in the back round. The silence gave a stillness that made Merlin feel as if he was going to choke. It's one thing to know you aren't good enough, but it's a completely different feeling to be told you aren't.

"I've never known you to lower your standards with anything, why would you start now?" Merlin questioned coldly. He didn't know why he continued to question Arthur instead of just leaving. It would be so much easier just to leave to grab his coat and leave the stifling truth in that room for at least a little while. To go to a bar or a cafe where the people there could love him without him having to be famous. Where fame, money, and power weren't requirement for him to matter. Maybe he wanted closure? Or perhaps a reason to hate Arthur, so he didn't have to love him anymore? Either way Merlin stayed.

"I didn't mean it like that Merlin!" Arthur said defending himself.

"Like hell you didn't mean it! Would you have dated me if I was rich and/or famous?" Merlin rallied back. Arthur was silent.

"If you were still you and the fame and money hadn't changed you? Then yes." Arthur raised his hands then cut off Merlins protests "Not because I value the money or fame, I swear, because that's what expected of me. By the media, the company, hell even Uther. The fact that it took you almost dying for me to realize it is a fucking travesty, but Merlin I don't care what they expect anymore. And I want this to happen, I don't care if it will take you years to get to a point where you're healthy enough to start a relationship, I will wait, and when you can we can be great." Arthur spoke with astounding determination.

"Arthur, I really don't know, this is all happening so quickly and I..." Merlin paused "I don't think we should move forward with this." It seemed too risky, what if it put Merlin back in the hospital? He didn't know if it was worth it. That hurt to admit, that this thing he had wanted for so long could be his but he wasn't strong enough to take it.

"At least sleep on it." Arthur pleaded suddenly desperate. He had thought, no assumed, that Merlin would want this. The thought that he wouldn't be able to be with Merlin ever strangled him.

"Look, I'll give it a few days." Merlin paused looking down and Arthur let out a sigh of relief,"I want you so bad Arthur, I want us so bad, I just don't know if it's worth the risk."

"It is." Arthur swore. Arthur would bring Merlin the world and back if it kept him happy.

Merlin then quickly kissed Arthur only for a second really "Goodnight." Merlin said breathlessly.

"Goodnight." Arthur said to no one touching his lips.

  
-/-/-

When Merlin woke the next morning he was still a in torrent confusion, about Arthur's feelings, what to do, how they would even work etc. He groaned and turned to look at the time, and was surprised to see it was 5. He pulled himself out of bed trying to be a quiet as possible even though Arthur was a heavy sleeper. He couldn't risk the slightest chance of seeing him, it would be to embarrassing, especially after what ever the hell he decided to do last night. He pulled on his most comfortable clothes and texted Lance asking if he could come over. His wrists ached under his bandages and the pain pill he took wasn't at its full effect. He knew he'd have to come in to finish the Excalibur tattoo later that week for shading and Merlin dreaded it. Shading hurt a lot more than the outline and Merlin for as much as he liked tattoos he hated the pain.

Merlin left a note for Arthur explaining that he was at Lances before heading out. He spent the cab drive in contemplation. Arthur wanted him, him! It felt like a day dream, Merlin got ill and suddenly Arthur realizes his feelings? That doesn't happen, or at least not in the universe that Merlin lived in. It felt fake, and fragile, as if it break and then be revealed as subpar quality, like some tragic event that would suddenly be explained and everyone would nod and say thats 'why that happened' staring at the wreckage only slightly affected by its violence. In the world Merlin lived, and had always lived in, terrible things happen; Vincent Van Gogh is killed right as he starts having success, Edgar Allen Poe died over a political feud he wasn't a part of, and Willem Van Alen never got paid for the Chrysler Building. In a world where these travesties happened Merlin couldn't over look them, he couldn't pretend Van Gogh wanted to die, that Poe died in a way as mysterious as his life, or that Willem Van Alen could live off his love for the building he designed. He knew the truth of life (and death) and the truth is nothing is a beautiful or as perfect as it seems in the moment, and that every moment after will be trying to reshape it in a way our memories can hold firmly, perhaps ruining it, until the next moment occurs. Still even with this truth Arthur seemed to continue to make him content, so much so sometimes the normal day felt blissful and the memory of it still ever bright. Merlin was startled out of his thoughts when he arrived at Lances house.

  
=/=/=

  
Arthur woke up alone, which wasn't a big deal, he was used to it. Even when he was dating Gwen she would always wake before he did. He rolled over and looked at the empty space beside him. Last night with his hand touching his lips he closed his eyes and imagined Merlin beside him. He imagined the warmth of the comforter was Merlin's body heat, and that the AC was Merlin's breath. The few moments he was able to convince himself felt like home. Arthur found himself, looking at the unused pillow, noticeably homesick.

  
-/-/-

  
"Merlin, what do you want me to say?" Lance said sighing. And Merlin felt bad, Lance needed a non stressful environment to continue to flourish and Merlin kept bringing all this stress into his life. At least Merlin was distracting him from his work which considering how hard it was to read Merlin's hand writing was probably a great gift or at least a well deserved break.

"I don't know, what would you do?" Merlin asked pacing around the room.

"Honestly?" Lance asked, Merlin nodded "I would date him but I'd wait until I moved into my own place. You both are consenting smart adults who enjoy each others company and you're illness shouldn't hold you back in exploring this with him, but you need to be independent. So spend the time you need to at his place then move out and start dating. Like normal dating no jumping in to fast. See how it goes, and if it is good enjoy it. Try not to get so attached so quickly, go into the relationship thinking even if it doesn't work you're going to be ok and you had a good time. Talk it over with Arthur, what he wants, what you want. It's not so complicated as you make it."

"But what if he can't deal with what I want, and I miss out on this thing that I've wanted so desperately for so long." Merlin pleaded.

"Then you miss it and you start looking for someone else to want."

"But.."

"You got to look out for yourself and advocate for yourself in a relationship Merls, it's the only way to be safe and sane in a relationship with this sort of risks Lance said shrugging as if to say what can you do "I've had people telling me this for the last couple weeks and the more you think about it more it makes sense, you have things that only you know the full extent of that can hurt you if mishandled, Arthur can't know the best way to have a relationship around that because he can't know what's going on truly, so you have to think in detail what are your triggers, your hard lines, what's wrong could go wrong with this relationship. And those aren't pleasant thoughts but you need to know what you need to start this and be open about it. If you don't Arthur is walking into a mine field that he doesn't know exists and that's not far to either of you."

 

☆/☆/☆

Arthur didn't know what to think, when he came home from work he saw Merlin sitting in an armchair looking grim. He seemed deep in thought wringing his hands as if somehow the action would remove what plagued him if he did it for long enough.

"We could start dating after I move out, but um with how I am we should take it slow." Arthur felt himself grin uncontrollably. Those thoughts about their life together, how happy Merlin made him feel, and all the feelings Arthur had for Merlin, those could be devolved and made grow or made real. He had countless nights ahead of him with Merlin to wake up beside, countless days to laugh with him, and forever to fall more in love than he ever had before.

"I'm up for it." Arthur said his face starting to hurt from grinning so much "I'm really up for it." Arthur could hardly wait to take Merlin to dinner and play footsie with him and make fun of him for blushing, or to marathon movies with him but this time cuddle up to him pointy elbows and all instead of on separate seats, Arthur couldn't wait for any of it. But he had to, because he couldn't mess this up. With this person and this relationship that wasn't an option he could choose, or even think about.

Merlin was grinning shyly looking up from his hands to Arthur again and again "Yeah?" he asked his voice hopeful

"Yeah." Arthur responded. And the moment was warm, Arthur could feel it in the pit of his stomach and so could Merlin. The warmth traveled up in to their throats and seemed to stay there. The moment comfortable and warm and Merlin felt a blanket of content-ness and excitement cover him.

 

☆/☆/☆

 

The first thing Arthur realized was that the next week was going to be a test of his will. He couldn't kiss Merlin goodnight, he couldn't even kiss Merlin's cheek, because they weren't dating and even if they were taking it slow, as Merlin put it "super duper ultra mega enormously slow", and that meant that it was basically going to go at the same pace Merlin's high school relationship went, meaning first kiss on the 3rd week of dating, sex way off in the future so don't even think about it, slow, unlike Arthur high school relationships which included a large amount of sex with in a short amount of time.

It was strange because Arthur had never been in a relationship this hypothetically slow and for Merlin this was incredibly fast for seriously dating some one considering the only time he had done that it had taken them nearly 4 years to get to the sexual part, to be fair Merlin and Will started dating very young. When they left the living room because when the comfortable feeling slipped out of the air and they were left staring oddly at each other, it showed Arthur how truly he was fucked for the rest of the week. Seeing someone you are really into who is into you open the door to sleep right next to you without so much as a good night hug feels wrong. Like they were reading the script for a different show.

For Merlin it was less hard. He had lived in open acknowledge of his feeling for Arthur for years. It became easy to push down the need to brush the hair out of his eyes, or hold his hand when he knew if he really wanted to he could. That one day if things worked out he wouldn't have to think about things like this and they would be second nature. That thought made him squirm with giddiness. It still was hard, seeing Arthur all beautiful and domestic made him ache with a longing that now he knew he could fill, begged to be filled.

They both handled their affections and tried to make it as normal as they could. And they succeed for the most part, they still teased each other and tried to keep the flirting to a respectable level but Merlin blushed when Arthur touched him and Arthur sometimes wouldn't looking at Merlin with this look that Will had perfected years earlier, the one that's a mix of delight and awe. It was a courtship in too-long-touches and longing glances.

 

☆/☆/☆

  
"Hey sleepyhead, the gang has called at least 5 times since last night, you want to call them back?" Arthur said from behind the counter in the kitchen to Merlin. He turned back around reaching for something on the other side of the kitchen and Merlin sleepy appreciated the view.

"Ugh." Merlin said into his arms. Arthur couldn't help and think Merlin looked particularly adorable like this, all sleep soft and droopy eyed.

"Is Earl Gray ok?" Arthur said pushing the tea across the counter. Merlin looked at it suspiciously before sipping it and a let out a sigh.

"Remind me to take you to a tea bar." Merlin said eyes closed tea up to his mouth.

"What does one wear at a tea bar date?" Arthur said leaning across the counter smiling at Merlin.

"Casual Cute." Merlin said opening his eyes and smirking from behind his cup.

"But you're the cute one in this relationship." Arthur joked.

"Mmm, lies. But you can do Casual Comfy, which for you is basically then same." Merlin said grinning putting his tea down.

"I'll let you know my sweaters are very manly, and not cute at all." Arthur said fake affronted.

"But you look so cuddly!" Merlin said fake shocked.

"Oh really?" Arthur said smirking, "You want to cuddle me." Merlin blushed and went back to sipping his tea.

  
☆/☆/☆

  
"Oh come on Merlin it's only one tabloid." Arthur said annoyed "It's really not the end of the world."

"It's the bloody Sun Arthur, a bunch of people read this piece of shit!" Merlin said flopping around the tabloid Gwaine brought after he had called him back. That was tense, all apologizes and carefully worded jokes. Merlin really didn't have time to protest when the gang came over to dinner that night at Arthurs place. It was slightly awkward but no sensitive topics were brought up, only at the very end when Gwaine showed him one of the picture of him in the Sun did Merlin start to get a little freaked out. The article was headlined "Is this the Mysterious Merlin?" with a picture of him and Freya and Arthur and yelling faster him.

"It's not saying anything negative about you Merlin!" Freya argued.

"Yeah, but they talked about what I ate that night! Like seriously that's super creepy!" Merlin said clearly distraught. It was as if their whole dinner was filmed and put on t.v. for anyone to see, and anyone could see it. The article talked about how they argued, what they ate, and especially how he acted in reference to his friends.

"Merlin I admit that the food bit is weird, but you have to understand when we start dating it's only going to get worse, you know that right?" Arthur said very concerned what if Merlin couldn't handle the press and everything he wanted to have with him couldn't happen

"You too are getting together?" Leon interrupted whatever Merlin was going to say. Merlin blushed and Arthur nodded.

"Is that smart?" Elyan questioned looking between them questioningly.

"Yeah, Arthur are you sure?" Leon asked concerned.

"Oi, Leon fuck off. Merlin's a fucking catch and Arthur's a grown ass man with eyes." Percy interrupted.

"Merlin's great I agree but Leon's this isn't the time for Arthur." Gwaine said.

"Says who?" Freya asked angrily.

"Says the fact that he just got out of a long term relationship." Leon responded.

"And the fact that Merlin should focus on his own health." Elyan agreed.

"Merlin and I don't need your concerns it's our relationship so fuck off." Arthur said gritting his teeth bringing the conversation to an end.

  
☆/☆/☆

  
"You're home late, Arthur remarked yawning as Merlin stumbled in.

"Yeah me and Lance hit a " Merlin yawned "a good uh a good streak." Merlin said flopping down on the couch dropping his bag on the ground.

"What are you two working on anyways?" Arthur asked curious. Merlin was gone most days all day with Lance, but Arthur had never questioned it.

"Ask me in the morning." Merlin mumbled falling asleep. Arthur smiled fondly at the sight. Merlin all long limbs and angelic elegance, he looked like one of Gwaines ads. Arthur smiled and took a quick photo on his camera. His long legs in well fitted black pants sprawled against the white sofa, his black hair and pale skin, without the pastel blue sweater he was wearing and the slight pink in his cheeks the photo could have been seen as black and white. There was a certain personal touch that wasn't the ad that made it seem somehow better, made him more likely to look again, the wine glass half full on the glass table next to a book, the way Merlin was positioned naturally not forcing himself into uncomfortable angles, etc. It seemed like art to Arthur, but then again Merlin always felt like art to Arthur.

  
☆/☆/☆

  
"You're doing that?!" Arthur said shocked Merlin nodded, "Really?" Merlin nodded again laughing a little this time "Oh man that's so great! Wow! We need to celebrate! What do you want to do! Anything you want! Holy shit Merlin Congratulations!"

Merlin grinned shyly and said "I'm really excited about it, we finished the process, we're aiming for it to be in print in a few months."

"Merlin that's fantastic! Can I read a copy now?" Arthur asked, and Merlin felt the giddiness turn into dread.

"It's about my relationship with my former partner Will and his death and I... It's not something I want anyone I know to read, especially you since we are going to start dating and that's a huge thing to put on someone." Merlin hadn't thought about this, he hadn't thought anyone he knew would want to read it, and he never wanted anyone he would meet to know it was him that wrote it, that's why he had a pen name A. W. Dragoon. Now that he thought about it maybe Arthur could read it someday, when there were no secrets between them anymore, but even with the massive editing they had done to make it so Arthur wasn't suspected and it had a hopeful ending, the sort of ending that was Merlin's current beginning.

Arthur, well Arthur was hurt, he had thought, well he had thought that he and Merlin were as close as two people could be. They spent almost every minute of everyday together, had opened up to each other in waysArthur had never done before, and Merlin didn't trust him enough for this part of him, of his history.

"If we last 5 years I'll give it to as an anniversary gift." Merlin offered weakly trying to comfort Arthur who looked distraught. The mention of their hypothetical 5 year anniversary cheered him up.

"But what are we going to do to celebrate now?" Arthur challenged.

"I guess we could... Marathon Avatar the Last Airbender." Merlin said grinning knowing that he had at last trapped Arthur into watching the show he refused to watch on principle that children's shows aren't good.

"You sneaky little devil." Arthur laughed "I guess it's a date."

Merlin laughed "I guess it is."

  
☆/☆/☆

  
"Oh my god Merlin I have to show you this picture!" Arthur said suddenly shooting up "I took it two days ago when you fell asleep on the couch, and you fell asleep in the same exact pose that Gwaines model posed for look!" holding up the photo of Merlin to Merlin's face.

"Psh, I look nothing like that model, sit down." Merlin grumbled, and truly he couldn't see the similarity between him and the model except for the fancy clothes, and the fact that they were forced to wear them, him for his job, and Merlin because of lack of options (hint hint Arthur being a dickhead).

"Let's see what Gwaine and Freya say about that?" Arthur challenged and Merlin was after him in a second trying to make sure he didn't send the photo. Gwaine was constantly joking about making Merlin model his clothes so he would be as famous as the rest of them, and Freya kept calling him editorial, which Merlin googled and was told via urban dictionary that it meant ugly, and they would hop on any chance to get them in their industry, whether he liked it or not. They claimed that with there power over the fashion world they could make anyone a hot commodity in minutes, and Merlin didn't doubt it. Gwaine could call Merlin artistic not ugly, and Freya could call them a package deal and only take jobs if he got the same offer. The simple picture that made him looks slightly artsy would only renew their efforts.

"Haha! It's done! There is nothing you can do to stop it now!" Arthur laughed. Merlin tackled him into the couch.

"Prat." He mumbled into Arthurs warm body.

  
☆/☆/☆

  
#MancrushMerlin was trending on twitter and Merlin was about to kill Arthur. After he sent that photo and both Gwaine and Freya plastered it all over their social media, and demanded more. Merlin made sure they didn't get anymore, but low and behold as soon as his so called friends went all nuts about it (literally they retweeted both Freya and Gwaines tweets, tweeted and instagramed #mancrushmerlin and decided to @ him, he now has 2million followers and one tweet 'Is it still binge watching for 10 hours if with the time difference I was only watching for 3') the Paps photos of him were every where, he was also picked out of the background of countless other photos of his friends. People kept calling him Dad, and asking him to do weird things like cut bread with his face.

"Arthur you peace of dog shit!" Merlin yelled storming into the kitchen, Arthur just burst out laughing.

"Oh come on this isn't funny, MancrushMerlin doesn't even make sense!" Merlin pouted.

"Babe it's the Internet when has it ever made sense." Arthur laughed "They think you're some sort of upcoming celebrity or something, people are actually waiting for you to release an album or announce your new shoot with Valentino. It's funny because for how obsessed they are about you they don't know who you are,but I guess they might start looking if you don't say something soon." Arthur said the last bit as if it was a warning, waving around his spatula and his voice grim.

"What the the hell do at say?" Merlin said panicked.

"What happened your friends are assholes who spread a picture of you online and you didn't expect anything like this to happen." Arthur said scooping eggs onto two plates.

Merlin E. @magicmerlin

Ughh, I can't believe my friends posted that pic of me! I was just trying to nap. #inapwithsuspicion

  
☆/☆/☆

  
The day Merlin moved out Arthur was trying not to panic, and he was failing, miserably.

"You know you can call and move back in anytime, right?" Arthur asked pacing around Merlin's apartment after helping him unpack.

"The next time I move in it will be because we are at that point in our relationship." Merlin said flushing.

"Oh, yeah." Arthur said smiling at Merlin "I can take you on a date tomorrow."

"Oh yeah you can." Merlin mocked.

"I'll pick you up at 6 tomorrow, we are going bowling." Arthur smirked.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

  
☆/☆/☆

  
The next day they went bowling and made doe eyes at each other and flirted and fell in love. Then the next day after that they tried tons of different teas, and teased each other, and bought each other gifts, and fell more in love. And every day following the fell more and more in love. There were still problems to work through and fights that hurt but they never stopped falling in love with the other. And they never would.


	7. Epiloge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ITS DONEEEEEE

 

Mmm I love every part of You." Arthur said as they lay in bed.

 

"Yeah?" Merlin said his voice still carrying the hint of sleep.

 

"I love this curve right here" Arthur said as he flipped over half laying on Merlin stroking his muscle "And this one" he said kissing Merlin's nape.

 

"Ummhmm?" Merlin mumbled.

 

"Yeah." Arthur replied smiling into Merlins neck before straddling him "Do you know what curve I like best?

 

"My ass."

 

"Nope, all though that curve is fantastic." Arthur said rubbing his hands up and down Merlins sides.

 

"I give up." Merlin said laughing.

 

"It's this curve." Arthur said tracing Merlin's smile with his finger "I could look at this forever."

 

"You are the cheesiest fucker I have ever meet." Merlin said looking distinctly unimpressed.

 

"Mm, you love it." Arthur teased collapsing onto the bed "Can you stay for breakfast today?" Arthur said rolling his head over to see Merlin grabbing some clothes out of the drawer Merlin claimed only a month before, and began to step into his pants.

 

"You know I can't." Merlin answered leaning down to kiss Arthur chastely before buttoning up his shirt and closing the door.

 

Arthur sighed and wished, not for the the first time, that Merlin wasn't so insistent on this sloth like pace when it came to their relationship. It had taken 3 months of going on dates nearly every day before Merlin stayed the night and 2 more months before he had a drawer. At six months Arthur and this intense of a relationship on Arthurs part, Arthur almost worried Merlin wasn't interested anymore. Almost. Arthur knew Merlin was scared, had listened to him talk at their prescribed couples therapy, and couldn't doubt that Merlin didn't love him when he read the poems Merlin sneaked into his office everyday miraculously. So Arthur didn't concern himself with anything but enjoying Merlin's company.

 

-/-/-

 

"Give some good news." Merlin said greeting Lance as he left Arthur's building tea in hand, and glaring at the morning light. For the 3rd time this week, Merlin was really not sticking to his slow dating plan, or at least not to the level Morgana wanted.

 

"What's wrong?" Lance asked concerned. For the last couple months they had become even more close. Lance became part of the crew, he watched polo with Leon, went to bad action movies with Percy, went to art museums with Freya, literally modeled for Gwaine once when he needed clothes after the drunk marathoning Jurassic park and somehow him and Arthur became BFFs behind Merlin's back and had began doing legit everything together, but, like Gwaine, Lance still valued Merlin over anyone else.

 

"I'm leaving Arthur's place, and I really wish I could have stayed." Merlin sighed, taking a swig of his tea. Truly regretting his choices as an overly enthusiastic women in a red coat pushed past him to get into Le Petit Déjeuner but was stopped at the door.

 

"Merlin you wanted to take it slow," Lance said starting to lecture.

 

"Look I know, I know, I'm here so we can discuss this over breakfast." Merlin said hanging up and pushing through the line of people trying to get into Le Petit Déjuener. The woman in the red coat laughed when she saw him go up to the man at the door but stopped laughing when he got let in.

 

"Mr. E right this way." the hostess said leading Merlin to his table, "Mr. P sent the yellow acacia, red chrysanthemums and Corchorus, they are on the table waiting for to along with Mr. D."

 

"That little shit." Merlin said grinning as he entered the back room that lance and him were eating in. The bouquet in the middle of the table, beautiful. Lance was sneezing behind the bouquet, and glaring at Merlin as if it was his fault Arthur never minded his pollen allergy.

 

"What does this one mean?" Lance snarked.

 

"Sara could you please store that for me, and order a bouquet of Saffron Crocus, Garden Daisies, and Honey flower to be shipped to Mr. P's office. Thank you." Merlin said waving off the hostess, who carried the flowers off.

 

"How do you know they mean anything, maybe he just thought they looked good together?" Merlin retorted eyes full of mirth.

 

"After I told Arthur it would be romantic that you wanted to bring an aspect of Will into this relationship, You both have been sending each other a fuck ton of specialized flowers, Arthur almost had an aneurism when he couldn't find some Amarath Globe for your 3 month anniversary."

 

"It's Amaranth, and bundle yellow flowers, the acacia's, mean secret love, the red ones mean I Love, and the single yellow flowers, the Corchorus, means impatience because of absence. I sent back mirth, the return of his sentiments, and love sweet and secret." Merlin said grinning thinking about adding the flowers to his already flower filled home.

 

"If you two weren't so cute you'd be sickening." Lance teased, Merlin just blushed and smiled, then Lance got more "You know you don't have to monitor how fast your relationship with Arthur is going so much, there haven't been any warning signs, Morgana thinks you could go faster despite her distaste for the relationship, and hell you to practically dated for 4 years before officially starting."

"Lance..." Merlin sighed they have had this conversation before, hell Merlin had this conversation with multiple different people again and again.

"Look Merls, you two are so in love and so sickeningly cute about it and it's beautiful to watch. Want to know what's not beautiful to watch, seeing him doubt himself before cuddling up to you on the couch or see you freak out when you accidentally spent the night at his that first month, that's not beautiful to watch, honestly that sucks to watch." Lance sounded tired "And frankly I'm not the only one watching, Arthur's called me 6 times this months about the press spotting you two together and wondering if now was the time to ask you to go public and not just because he wants too, but also because his PR team is going to miss a story one day and he knows you couldn't deal with waking up one morning and see you face and name all over the media."

 

"He wants to go public?" Merlin said in a timid voice "He wants the world to know he's dating me?"

 

"Of course he does, just ask him about it, he will be honest." Lance said smiling, Merlin looked like he had jut been handed the world "So books sales are up after the good NY times review, I held off the book tour stating the book was too intimate and raw for you to do anything like that, but they want you to run a blog" As Lance continued Merlin started to think about other much blonder and pratish things.

 

=/=/=

Arthur grinned when he got the flowers. He considered briefly sending a reply but stopped short, Merlin and Lance would tear him a new one if he messed with Lances allergies that severely. Oh well. He could give Merlin flowers when they went to dinner, he was excited about dinner he was planning on giving Merlin a key to his place. Merlin already a set of keys to his place but Arthur knew how important this would be to Merlin. When they had first started dating Arthur had not done all the first date things, he didn't think it was necessary since they were already so close. He had to find out from Freya that Merlin thought Arthur was pity dating him and used the lack of normal dating things to prove it. Now he did literally every dating cliche, and he consistently talked to Merlin about their relationship, even though Arthur was sure Merlin wouldn't tell him if something was bugging him.

 

Regardless they were in a good place now, not that Arthur didn't want to go to a better place, a shared living space perhaps, so it was a surprise that Merlin called him sounding freaked out asking if they could meet.

So now Arthur was waiting in his home office staring at the flowers Merlin had given him and feeling rather out of place.

 

"Arthur," Merlin said breathless from the door "Do you want to go public with our relationship?" And whatever Arthur had been expecting this was not it.

 

"Of Course I do." Arthur said quickly, knowing Merlin would freak out if he didn't answer quickly "I love you and I want the world to know, but I was waiting for the go ahead from you. Merlin are you alright, what happened, why are you bring this up now?" Arthur continued concerned.

 

"I want to go public." Merlin said a little breathless.

 

"Ok, we can go public." Arthur said still confused but much more willing to let it go seeing as he had an armful of Merlin on him right there and then.

 

☆/☆/☆

"Merlin it was released to the public like 3 minutes ago, there aren't going to be any articles for another hour or so." Arthur said trying to pacify Merlin who was currently pacing around the room iPad in hand.

 

"I know, I know. I just can't control what they say and it freaks me out." Merlin admitted, still refreshing google.

 

"We can make it harder for them to say bad things." Arthur said walking up behind Merlin who had frozen at his words.

 

"How?" Merlin said tense.

 

Arthur grinned cocksure and began giving Merlin a massage, before brushing his mouth against Merlin's ear "Ever heard of the power of social media?"

◎/◎/◎

 

 

Arthur Pendragon @Arthur_Pendragon

I'm so glad I could go public with my Partner @mermys today, don't be rude to him, he's to cute for that just look (Cute picture of Arthur kissing Merlins cheek, Merlin is blushing hard)

 

 

Gwaine Lotley @Gwainelotley

@Arthur_Pendragon @mermys Congrats, u 2 are some best pple I know, also does this mean I can use those photos of u 2 for my next line?

 

 

Merlin Ermys @Mermys

@Gwainelotley No, I've told you again and again I don't model

 

 

Gwaine Lotley @GwaineLotley

@mermys spoilsport : p

 

 

Freya @Freya

@mermys @Arthur_Pendragon I love you 2 and wish you the best!!!

 

 

Percy Efrawc @Pefrawc

I'm so glad 2 of my best friends are together, wishing you the best @Arthur_Pendragon @mermys

 

 

Elyan Smith @Esmith

@Arthur_Pendragon @mermys I call picking the honeymoon destination when you two get hitched

 

 

Leon Bors @Leon_Bors

@Arthur_Pendragon @mermys You both couldn't have picked a better person, congrats

 

 

Gwen Smith @Gsmith

@Arthur_Pendragon @mermys I wish you both the best

 

☆/☆/☆

Merlin put his phone down and snuggled into Arthur's chest. Everything was falling into place, and he couldn't be happier.


	8. Epiloge/outline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote extra stuff! Its kinda just an outline, but what ever, it goes into stuff I didn't have time to earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONT EXPECT THIS TO BE GOOD IT IS NOT, ITS KIND OF A HOW DO PEOPLE REACT OUTLINE. I ALSO DONT OWN MERLIN. IDK WHY IM YELLING. ITS 1 AM

When Merlin woke up at morning he was greeted by the infuriating person in the world, who also happened to be the same person Merlin loved most in the world. Merlin couldn't help but feel lucky most mornings when he woke up on soft silk sheets and rolled over to that blond head next to him. This morning Merlin was decidedly very happy to roll over and cuddle close to Arthur. Merlin felt privileged to be able to do this, to press close and feel Arthurs warmth, to see Arthur sleep soft and stress free. Most days he couldn't believe this was his life, that he had Arthur and was a published Author, 2 years since he moved in with Arthur and he still was surprised by the mere fact that Arthur wanted him, that it was him here not Gwen, and his book while it hadn't been a best seller it did ok, and it was still out there which is all he really wanted.

"Mm as much as I appreciate the view, staring is considered rude to most people." Arthur said opening up his eyes and kissing Merlin briefly before sitting up "Ugh what time is it?"

"5 am, and as your boyfriend, I get special staring rights, so deal with it." Merlin said putting special attention on boyfriend. Arthur grinned and kissed Merlin again this time longer.

"You mean as my partner, and I never complained about the staring I just saying most people find it rude."

"Oh I'm sure." Merlin laughed rolled out of bed.

"Come back." Arthur said making grabby hands at Merlin.

"I've got work to do, and so do you." Merlin said as he got dressed. Arthur pouted for a second before getting out of bed himself, but rather than get changed as he intended he stared at Merlin looking stupidly happy.Arthur let out a long whistle when Merlin changed his underwear, to Merlin's amusement, before he got ready for work.

-/-/-

Merlin didn't know whether to sigh or to laugh when he began to write that day. It wasn't what he was writing, or his mood, but rather the decor. Arthur had insisted that they hang a giant prints of the shoot Merlin did with Gwaine benefiting a HIV/AIDS research lab. Merlin had succeeded for years at dodging the bullet that was Gwaine and Freya's determination, but it was to good of a cause for Merlin not to agree. It wasn't that Merlin didn't like the pictures, he really liked the pictures, and so had rest of the world, and there in lied the problem.

When they had gone public, it was a media circus. The media didn't know what to make of him, and for the first year everywhere they went they were papped. What shocked people more than their relationship, was Merlin's wealth of powerful friends, and their lack of knowledge of him. To the main population it seemed preposterous that an unknown regular guy had gotten to the creme-de-la-creme of elite society. Everything Merlin did was suddenly important to the public, his fitness routine, his taste in clothes, Merlin had fans, and it was weird. He also seemed to continuously astound people with things he didn't know were that miraculous. The most notable was when he mentioned that Gwaine had designed custom clothes for him for christmas, but mostly they were the casual name drops that he didn't mean to do. He was constantly being asked for interviews and being offered deals to publish a tell all. That was it was found out that Merlin was Arthurs PA when he was dating Gwen.

Merlin went from self made man to power whore in 3 seconds flat. No matter how many times it was stated that they had only gotten together a year ago, and no matter how many different people confirmed it, it was widely believed Merlin had seduced Arthur away from Gwen. It got bad, Merlin was assaulted by one of Gwen's fans, Pendragon Inc. stock began falling, and the online harassment was so bad Merlin made all his accounts private. Merlin could deal with the hate directed at him, he had hated himself more than anyone else for so long that hatred had no sway over him, but he couldn't deal with what it was doing to Arthur. Arthur was losing sleep worrying about the company, as well as getting taking all the insults to heart. Merlin tried to leaving him 3 times during this period hoping to "set him free", but was talked sense into by the gang. After the third time they took to social media, and became, as Merlin dubbed them, the Merthur defense squad, if any thing negative about them was said they'd stonewall the person, but if anything that just fueled the fire. It all came to a head when Elyan decided to cut off communication with Gwen until she spoke out about what was going on. The direct harassment ended when Gwen confirmed their story, but the implications didn't.

It didn't take long for Arthur and Merlin to decide to go into depth about their relationship after that. Merlin didn't want them to throw Will in his face, and Arthur figured the more power they had the less the media had. So they went on Ellen, and the world had an aneurysm. The actual interview didn't seem overly crazy to them at the time. It was emotional for sure, anything that involved Will and Merlins mental health problems were, but it wasn't groundbreaking, it was just them. They left out Gwen from the story, after she confirmed their story they got back it touch. Things were tense, but Arthur had realized, with some help from Merlin, why Gwen got jealous, Gwen had tried to make amends and got help, and Merlin was willing to forgive her if he could get his old friend back. The world saw their story, even without Gwen, and was utterly fascinating.

Cue the photoshoot and the craziness that came out of it. Now sitting there and looking at the photo its so obvious how Merlin has changed from the man who slit his wrists those years ago, and that change scared him. He had been that man for so long, and it was strange and frightening to see such a huge physical manifestation of that change staring at him. Nevertheless Merlin was happy with the picture, and happy with who he was now.


End file.
